whining ahead

Aw man, I’ve gone and got myself depressed again. I know, I get like this every three months or so with the exception of this summer which saw everyday as down & out day. Bear with me, family.

Back in the spring, deciding not to take the bar exam gave me a brief moment of peace. I had been struggling with how to pay for the costly bar-prep courses and support myself while doing so, but when I reminded myself that I didn’t have to take it right away, I felt some pressure dissolve. There’s no time limit on the bar. Sure, you’d probably rather take it sooner or later so that you’re not too far removed from the subject matter, but otherwise take it 10 years later for all anyone cares.

Anyway, like I said, it was only brief relief. Soon after I got back to the States, folks wanted to know if I was a lawyer. I had to explain that I had a law degree but that I was not, in fact, a lawyer. It’s not as easy as you might think to explain how the bar works or how long it takes to study for it, even how much it costs. People were confused. After a while the questions became annoying and something I tried to avoid. Nearly impossible. Even if I am able to dodge questions (“When are you going to take the bar?” “Do you EVER want to practice?” “Why did you go to law school?”), I can’t escape the constant reminder that I have unfinished business out there. Contrary to what some might think I am NOT content with not taking and passing that exam. My addiction to social media is only exacerbating the problem.

Through Twitter, Facebook, Gchat and whatever else, I am privy to the life updates of many of my law school classmates. Without SM, I wouldn’t know what Joe in California was doing or what Sue in Pennsylvania had going on… but I do. And don’t get me  wrong, I like knowing. That’s why I stay logged into FB. Also, let me take this opportunity to say that I am genuinely, sincerely happy for and proud of all of my friends who have come through school with me and passed the bar. As of late, many folks have had their swearing in ceremonies. I just think that is so freaking cool. I remember when we were all taking 1L courses and now these folks are real life,  certified, licensed attorneys! Sweet. Or more like bittersweet because I’m just disappointed in myself that I am not celebrating with them.

So now I’m weighing whether it’s worth it for me to try to take the 2010 exam. Even one of the deans from law school has contacted me like “what’s going on? How come I don’t have you on the list of folks I need to certify for the bar?” Ugh.

DO I want to practice? Does that even matter though, because there are reasons to have that W under your belt even though you don’t plan to practice at all.
Do I want to take the summer off from my part-time Master’s degree program, pushing back that graduation date?Do I want to pay for it? (I can now, by the way).
Do I want to take on the burden, stress and work of studying for this via iPod (yes) after I finish 8 hours at my full-time gig?

I think I do. Knowing the kind of person I am this is only going to eat at me more and more. Why do I do this to myself?

* facepalm *

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5 Comments

Filed under Routine Ramblings

5 responses to “whining ahead

  1. Moni

    I can totally emphasize with this. I’m currently a 3L trying to decide what to do with my life. I started law school with the intention of doing the whole BigLaw route (at my top 10 school, it was almost guaranteed), so I didn’t even sign up for barbri because I assumed they’d pay for it. Getting no-offered by my summer firm forced me to figure out what I REALLY want with my life instead of just going along with the law school flow. I’ve decided to head to London to try and work there (I figure it’s now or never), so I’m trying to decide what exactly I’m going to do there. I’ll probably take the NY bar, since its the most recognized internationally. Fortunately, my school has a great bar loan program, which means that I’ll be able to afford to do it.

    • Bourgie, JD

      GO TO LONDON!!!
      Not because there’s nothing here… I’m sure sticking it out will pay off in the future. It’s hard for everyone right now.
      I say go to London because after spending time abroad I am HUNGRY for it. I would love the opportunity to live and work overseas again. Right now, my life is too occupied but maybe in the future. I say if you can swing it, go for it.

  2. You prolly already know what I’m gonna say about it, so I won’t type it.

    You’ll make the right move. :)

  3. sincerelyserious

    Girl, I did the exact same thing after school in May, had to walk around and answer the EXACT same ANNOYING questions that people ask and constantly correct people who were quick to say I was a lawyer so I didn’t get in trouble with the Bar! I’m currently in BarBri for the Feb exam and wish I had gone ahead and taken it in July :(

    long story short…I feel you…

    SincerelySerious, J.D.

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