Tag Archives: AYDMF

Bridget Jones, grow a pair.

I’m watching Bridget Jones Edge of Reason and it sucks bawlz. Who liked this movie? Why did Rene Zellweger get chubbo TWICE to play this knuckleheaded chick? It was probably the reported 3.2 million dollar bonus on top of the 15 million for the movie itself, but that’s beside the point.

She’s sooooo annoying. The writers of this flick are trying to convince me that insecurity is endearing. It’s not. They also want me to think that this woman, who finds value in her life only when there’s a man involved, is cute. No. She’s so tragic.

THe only reason I’m still watching is because I haven’t motivated my ass to move from the sofa to my bed. IF anything, this is a cautionary tale on how not to act. I’ve certainly learned something. Watching Bridget get up from bed wrapped in a sheet after a night of sex simply because she didn’t want her boyfriend to see her “wobbly bits” was painful. I wanted to give her one of those shoulda had a V8 knocks on the head. It also reminded me that 9/10, if he wanted to screw you all night, he ain’t really thinking about your wobbly bits in the morning. He more than likely was all about those bits when yall was bumpin and grindin.

Cocoon of self-pity and ice cream

Then she proceeds to sabotage the relationship she lives and breathes for (a six week relationship, btw) by letting her insecurities get in the way. Listen, if you keep telling a man about all of the reasons he shouldn’t be with you, he might start to listen.

To top it all off, I just generally dislike Rene in anything. In this shit, in that shit with Tom Cruise and as herself in real life.

This movie blows. I do not want to see a lonely, crying, self-deprecating, co-dependent white broad boo-hooing after some mediocre English guy.
To all the people who paid to see it, read the books and (oh God) bought the DVD: GET HELP NOW. I’m turning it off.

2 Comments

Filed under I'm Judging You (reviews & criticism), Now I'm pissed

Dear Guy Dressed in Really Big Clothing,

You look stupid.

Let me preface this with some background. On the bus last night, I saw a dude who was wearing the biggest “shirt” I’ve ever seen in my entire 26.9 years on this planet. This shirt was so huge he could have, and probably did at some point, tripped on it. There was nothing attractive about that outfit at all. It had to be a 10XL and that’s a modest estimation. The arm holes alone could have made a loose skirt for a big-hipped woman! Where the hell did he buy that shirt? It was clearly made for those uber obese people who need cranes to remove them from their homes. Under this shirt/dress he wore some dark baggy jeans. On his feet, homeboy wore some fake Air Force Ones screen-printed with $100 bills all over them. I wish I could have taken a picture. If you need a visual, think of the Chipmunks.

This is not a blanket dis to the young kids out there. Sometimes I’m amused and appreciative of the creative ways in which these kids are putting together their outfits. The colors, the accessories. Fitted hat setting off the laces in your kicks, accenting the colors in your shirt, and so on. If you’re young and stylish, that might be totally appropriate.

I’m just calling out those clowns walking down the street. Old people, too. C’mon gramps. Your ass is 62 and you’re wearing baggy shorts, a jersey and dunks… and it’s not game day.

WHO THINKS THIS IS ATTRACTIVE?

That guy with the shirt/dress got dressed that morning and thought he looked cool. That’s such poor judgment or just indicative of a mental deficiency. Brother was deprived a few Flintstones Vitamins in the past, I guess.

So yeah, you… dressed like Jared in his “before” pants

You look stupid.

2 Comments

Filed under I'm Judging You (reviews & criticism)

I’m Never Drinking Again

Sike. I hate when people say that. Unless you’re an alcoholic, there’s no reason to go so far and proclaim abstinence from liquor altogether!

But I’ll be damned if I sure didn’t feel like that today. I had the worst hangover of my LIFE. I am still recovering. I won’t go into the whole story because it’s scary and at one point kind of disgusting. I’m just glad I’m okay and that I had a good friend to look out for me. Too bad the weather was so nice today (yesterday at this point) because I was stuck in bed the entire time. By midnight I was finally able to keep some food down. Thanks Alka-Seltzer.

Oh, and in case you ever wondered, you can indeed vomit through your nose.

:(

4 Comments

Filed under My Life, Um, ew

AYDMF: Bad days happen

I was pissed as hell yesterday. I don’t know what happened, but my brain took a vacation. Maybe it was shocked into submission after being tossed back into academia on Monday. I dunno. The entire week has been a bust thus far, but let me just run down Tuesday for you:

After I got dressed (lately I cannot find anything to wear. I spend a considerable amount of time staring at my clothes, trying on this and that, tossing stuff on my bed and still being unsatisfied), I gathered my things and started to leave. I was headed for the bus stop. I went down the stairs, out the door, locked it, and stopped – oh, I forgot a jacket. See, it’s freezing in my classrooms (all except one, which is sweltering) and I needed to carry a sweater or something. I opened the door, back up the stairs, opened the other door and grabbed a hoodie. Then, I realized that I needed a bigger bag to carry it in. See, I usually carry a bag that houses my laptop, a book, my planner, and other normal purse stuff. This day, however, I had 3 extra books to carry for keeping in my locker. I had put them in a tote bag. Adding the hoodie meant I needed a larger tote. I got one and went through the same routine down the stairs and out of the door.

Oh, I forgot something else. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Now I'm pissed, Routine Ramblings

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 4

Briefly, last night’s episode was about Diddy.com. The Diddster wanted the potential assistants to make viral videos for the site. Apparently, Diddy’s been making viral vids for a minute and they’re all the rage – an assertion that was strange to me because I’ve never seen, nor heard, of any of them… and I’m ALWAYS online.

Anyway, once they got started you know Poprah had some expertise to contribute. Let her tell it, she’s a expert in everything. She says she has video production experience but pushes Brianna into the leadership/producer position. I don’t know why Brianna couldn’t see it, but she was clearly being set up for the okey doke. Poprah’s smart because she’s going to make her teammates eliminate themselves one by one. Her Uptown team comes up with the idea of “What would you do for Diddy?” and sets about filming average folks doing dumbass shit (writing “no bitchassness” on their heads, eating a frozen fishstick, etc).

Meanwhile, Downtown Team starts out trying to exploit Laverne’s sexual orientation for laughs. Way to move the movement. She was acting all peeved about it (to which she’s entitled), but decides to take one for the team if it means winning. Laverne’s no fool, let’s face it – Trannies are funny. Still, the calls from her team to “Tranny it up!” and “Go Tranny on ‘em!” were a bit much. *Dials GLAAD* Finally, Downtown settles on an idea mocking Diddy’s love for organic Mott’s Applesauce by using Boris as the “Applesauce Bandit.” Boris (the originator of that idea) was on board at first, but then he started to feel like he would be degrading himself. Why? Because he’s fat. Now I find it odd that he’d be all for exploiting Laverne, but feels some kind of way about wearing a tight outfit. DUDE… we know you’re fat in your everyday clothes! There’s no difference if you put on a costume! Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under I'm Judging You (reviews & criticism)

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 3

Working for me is like a rollercoaster ride, or if you woke up and thrown into the middle of an action movie. You have to be ready to be dropped in the middle of the jungle. You have to be prepared for anything.
- The Tao of Diddy™

If they pull something out this beautiful and amazing, I will be shocked and RuPauled.
– Laverne

Oh damn. Talk about unfair. Only about a few of the contestants get called down by the RED PHONE (calls from which must be answered immediately) to pack their toiletries and get in the car. Once inside, they find out they’re headed to Paris, France! Pretty cool. Laverne, Boris, Kim and Suzanne head to Europe while the others chill back in NYC. I guess they can take solace in the fact that there will be no time for sightseeing or crepes. Just haulin’ ass for Diddy.

When they arrived, their assignment is to find a model, convince her to come to NYC and do a photoshoot. Oh, by 4pm. The NYC folks have to plan a “sexy, original” print ad for Sean John eyewear (hmm, I’m in the market for some new glasses).

In a city they don’t know, with a language no one can speak, my girl Laverne has enough Vogue, House of Ninja and Sashay Chante in her to set up a meeting with the model’s agent at a bakery. See, that’s why you need a Rainbow Coalition member on the team. Boris was just straight hating though. He really can’t get over his problems with Laverne being a transgendered woman.

I don’t care if I gotta walk to Zimbabwe, cut down some trees in a forest and jump on the back of a giraffe, but naked, with no money. If that’s my mission, I’mma come back successful.
– The Tao of Diddy
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Routine Ramblings

AYDMF: Man impaled on fence

Swiped from Philly.com

A 19-year-old man was impaled on a fence last night in South Philadelphia after he crashed an all-terrain vehicle into a police car and then tried to run away, police said.The ATV collided with the 17th Police District cruiser at 7:43 p.m. in 2200 block of Reed Street, police said. The man then ran a short distance with officers in pursuit.

As he tried to hop over an iron fence, the man was impaled. The Fire Department had to saw off part of the fence and leave the metal in the man’s body so he could be safely transported.

He was taken to Thomas Jefferson University Hospital where the fence was removed. He was reported in stable condition.

Police Internal Affairs is investigating whether an officer may have pulled on the man as he tried to climb over the fence, causing the impalement.

I saw this on the news this morning. Apparently, dude had like 22 warrants on him or something and tried to run from the police after crashing HIS ATV into THEIR car! This lil Nas ran, and tried to hop this iron fence. Not a chain link fence, but an iron jawn like this except higher.

Oh, and did I mention homeboy was um, portly?

To top the Nas-ery off, his family is screaming on the news that it’s the police’s fault. They say as he tried to hop the fence, police pulled his leg, causing him to come down upon the iron fence. Now, not that I think the police are above this kind of thing. They very well might have, on purpose or accidentally. But I’m more inclined to believe that this dude was running because he had mad warrants, knew he did something stupid and couldn’t get his tubby self up over that damned fence.

AYDMF!

2 Comments

Filed under Now I'm pissed, Routine Ramblings