I obviously spend too much time in school

“I’m building memories on things we have not said” – Fiona Apple

While here in JPN, most of my classes have an international focus. When discussing international law and the hierarchy of authorities, treaties are right at the top. They’re like the supreme agreement between States. The thing about treaties, and it’s somewhat obvious, they cannot be unilateral. They have to be an agreement between two or more nations. A unilateral treaty is really just one nation’s forced will upon everyone else. You know, kind of like how Britain did to everyone else in the world with colonialism? After going to class for about a week, all of this international law is floating around in my head.

Couple that with what happened just the other night. Sitting around talking with the ladies, someone said that it was possible to fall in love with somebody all by yourself. Then last night, I fell asleep to the sounds of my iPod on shuffle and Fiona Apple delivering the line quoted above. What does any of that have to do with the other? Probably not much, but in my random-assed mind, it all came together like wow, it’s totally possible to have a unilateral relationship where you’re the only one involved.

Dating Personality

So I took this “test” today over at OKCupid and was LOL’ing at the result. It’s a bit lengthy but simple enough. Try it out and let me know what you come up with!

You are: Ghengis Khunt!
Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM)

We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture.

But we figured you wouldn’t understand, and rightly so. We don’t understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain–riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You’ve already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Personality-wise, you’re carefree and relatively easy-going. You don’t plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the ‘brutal’ tag we’ve given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.

Always avoid: The Slow Dancer (DGLD)

Consider: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Playboy (RGSM)

Spotlight: the heartbroke daily

I’m not just here to toot my own blog horn. I’m here to put you good people up on to some other good people out there with computers. Enter the heartbroke daily, a literary blog in which a serial lover named Knox Dupree relates the story of a different woman who broke his heart. Every day. Although a fictional character, Knox chronicles his “persistent lovesickness” with the hope that his escapades will shed some light on the “perplexing condition of humanity.”  Here’s one entry that I think illustrates the sad and funny nature of not only Knox Dupree’s life, but of Love itself.

Lowered expectations/just grow up/catching up with old friends

I’m wondering if some of us are looking for something in relationships that is just plain unrealistic and which does not exist? Maybe we need to get real and lower the bar a little. But how do you do that without feeling like you’re settling?

I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend tonight. My girl called me up and we talked for over 3 hours. We’ve known each other since 6th grade, but we became friends in 7th grade after she got into some fight with another chick who was beefing with me. She’s been married for about three years now. As we were catching up, the conversation got around to who I was seeing and all that. I said no one and we started talking about dating since my last relationship (which was nearly two years ago). All of that led to a discussion about what’s more important and what to look for in a partner.

I was telling my girl about a couple of really good guys that I know. These guys are what you would call the practical choice. They’re smart, independent, doing well in their respective careers, family-oriented, funny, sweet, and most importantly, they deal with my crazy ass. On paper, they stack up pretty well and if you were hiring for a husband, well you’d definitely invite them in for a second and third interview. Still, there is something holding me back from seriously trying to build anything with them. There’s a piece missing. I always say it’s a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess I mean there’s no spark. Isn’t there supposed to be a spark?

By that I mean isn’t there supposed to be some kind of passion there? I was having a similar talk with another close girl friend who was telling me about a guy she knows who just gets under her skin every time. He’s totally in her system. The problem is, he really ain’t shit. That’s when I realized that that is the way it always seems to go. I can definitely identify. I’ve met men who, just the thought of them, could get me excited, make me smile and make me think back to… well, shared moments. Usually, it’s the guys who really get you going (usually for some reason you can’t even explain) are the ones who lack all of those other practical qualities one would want in a partner. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to combine those men together? Can’t you have a man with all of those practical, stable, desirable qualities who you also can’t stop thinking about for a single day? A man that gets under your skin? A man that makes you feel silly and giddy and girly?

Kill the messenger

Chris Rock came back on the scene last weekend with his HBO standup special Kill The Messenger. The special featured footage spliced from Rock’s performances in Johannesburg, London and Harlem. I’ve heard mixed reviews, but I thought it was hilarious. I watched the show over a friend’s crib with a group of folks and they thought it was a riot as well.

As usual, Rock touched on lots of current events, like the election and gas prices, as well as racial issues. He spent a good amount of time talking about interracial dating. It was all funny, as he started out talking about how a Black man would date ANY white woman, even Rosie O’Donnell who is a lesbian and a biggun. Predictably, Rock went on about how Black women hate interracial dating and really hate seeing Black men “step out” on the sisters. Sounded like the same old joke until Rock “revealed” the real reason Black women hate interracial dating: Because Black women are not attracted to white men. Make that average white men. According to Rock, we’ll go for Brad Pitt or Matthew McConaughey, but we won’t think twice about George from Seinfeld. Basically, as far as Black women are concerned, pickings are slim among white guys.

“The Unavailable Man”

Ever have someone tell you something you already know to be true, you just needed to hear it come out of someone else’s mouth in a tough-love, “bitch get some ackright!” kind of way? Well, Collete just put it down. Colette, a dating and relationship expert, discusses the enigma of the “unavailable man”. Who is he? Why isn’t he calling you back? And most importantly, how do you move on, once and for all?

Why You Should Say Good-bye to The Unavailable Guy

By Colette

How many times have you thought you met the perfect guy? He’s intelligent, funny, successful, and sexy as hell. You want to date him, and ultimately end up in a relationship with him. However, Mr. Smart and Sexy is only willing to give you a ¼ of his time (if you’re lucky), and you want more.

Sometimes, he calls you. Sometimes, he doesn’t. He pulls disappearing acts for days at a time. He cancels on you at the last minute, and once in a while, he doesn’t even bother to show up. Yet, you continue to see him. You make excuses for him. You tell yourself that he really likes you, but he has so many other things going on.

These are some of the classic excuses when dealing with an unavailable man – and like many women, I’ve used them a million times:

I’ll just date my bus pass then.

I think I might have missed an opportunity.

See, I’ve been chatting it up with folks about how I haven’t been on a date in quite some time. I know the word date can mean a lot of things, so specifically I’m talking about the kind where you meet someone virtually unknown to you, someone decides they would like to get to know the other more and asks that person out to do some kind of activity. They talk and flirt, hopefully laugh and smile. Then go home and either chalk it up as another dating disaster or as a nice night out that they wouldn’t mind repeating again.

I’m not really out looking for someone to date. I just realized that I’ve been out of that loop for a little while. I guess it’s because I don’t meet people who I want to ask out (I have no problem asking someone out) and/or the folks who ask me out are not appealing to me at all. Besides, until you’ve made an agreement with someone to stop seeing other people you’re totally free to date, right? Hell, you better!

Today, though, I think I may have dropped the ball. I was waiting at the bus stop so I could meet a friend and head to a dance recital (blog on that to come soon). So I kind of had a schedule to keep. As I’m waiting for the bus, a car drives by, doubles back and stops in the middle of the street. Dude is on his cell phone leans out the window with a smile to say, “Are you waiting for me?”
Me: *looks around to see who he’s talking to. Realizes it’s me* “Uh, no.”
Him: “What’s your name”
Me: *contemplates ignoring him* “_(insert name here)_”
Him: “I’m Quan.”
Me: *Nods. Smiles just enough to be polite.*
Him: “Nice to meet you, _____.”
Me: *Gestures to big ass bus behind his car* “Yeah, same.”
Him: *Smiles. Drives off*

Ok. First let me say that yes, the guy was attractive. So why wasn’t I nicer? Attractive dude, interested… what’s the problem? Well you know I’m going to tell you!

1. First thing out of his mouth was “Are you waiting for me?” Negro, you are so corny. I’m waiting for the BUS. Just say hello. Has HELLO gone out of style?
2. Dude couldn’t even pull the phone from his ear while he was yelling at me from the street. Pull over or something. I hate people who block traffic to holler. Put the phone down. Are you talking to me or the person on the other line?
3. I felt like I had some bus rider’s integrity to uphold. Just because you roll up to my bus pass holding ass (look, my car is still on injured reserve, okay) in your Beemer SUV guzzling all the gas your heart/engine desires doesn’t mean I gotta swoon. It’s the principle of the thing.
4. The bus was coming. Maybe if I didn’t have to be somewhere and the bus wasn’t right there I would have entertained more of his chatter.

On second thought, I didn’t miss much at all.
Ah well. He was probably stupid anyway.

Goldilocks and ‘nem

I’ve noticed that this blog has become less about me and more about random pop culture, music, and stuff I see elsewhere that I find funny or interesting. My first few entries were about ME and the things I was doing. I think I want to get back to that, or at least include it in what I’ve been doing as of late. I guess the more people started checking Bourgie Adventures out, the more nervous and guarded I became. How could I write about my friends when they read the blog? How can I talk about dating and relationships when the guys I know might stop by this place every now and then? Hell, I think my family might even have stumbled over here. Anyway, I’m going to try and get back to basics.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend and he said “I think I want someone who’s passionate about me. Not indifferent and not obsessed.” I agreed. Then I thought we were sounding very Goldilocks – we want it to be just right. Well that’s like stepping outside for the paper and getting hit in the head with a bag of money. It’s possible, but not likely to happen. Most of us will just end up with a Papa Bear or Mama Bear, running too hot/too cold, too hard/too soft for our own tastes. We’ll tolerate it for as long as we can, learning to adjust our own preferences to suit what they’re dishing out. Eventually, we’ll get fed up and move on to the next bowl of porridge, the next chair, the next bed.

Is technology ruining dating?

What I mean is, are we too accessible nowadays? Used to be that we could only get in touch with that guy or gal by picking up the phone or meeting up. That way, the rest of your day was boo-free and full of work, spending time with friends or just spending time with yourself (a highly underrated activity).

But today…? Man, forget about it. There’s text messaging, email, and instant messaging. Oh, and don’t forget about MySpace, Facebook, Linked In, whatever. Blogs, Flickr accounts, Google! We are more accessible now than ever and it could be screwing up how we date.

Is it permissible to IM him/her just because you see that they’re online? What if you’ve already talked to her the night before, commented on her Facebook profile that morning, replied to an email and sent a “good morning boo” text? How much contact is too much?

And it’s too easy to fall into the techno-trap. We’re all out there, aren’t we? I’m totally plugged in to the matrix. I’d mostly rather text you than talk to you. I have email and AIM on my phone, which practically stays ON. Sometimes I forget that even though I’m logged on nearly 24hours, everyone isn’t. Shoot, even if they are, I KNOW it doesn’t mean that they’re available to me.

They (whoever they are) say absence makes the heart grow fonder. They (damn, there they go again) say that when dating, it’s good to let him/her miss you a little bit. Everyone likes a little chase, right? Is technology cutting out the chase?

Or is the technology helping? Perhaps texting and instant messaging allows us to send short messages throughout the day without an interrupting phone call (which is probably full of empty chit chat anyway). Then there’s the whole exciting world of the naughty text, which could only be a GOOD thing, right? The technology of today has expanded the dating pool. Now instead of relying on the clubs in your neighborhood or your friends to set you up, you can meet a guy/gal in another state or country.

Wait… scratch everything I just said about the positives of technology and dating. I just remembered one thing: The DRUNK TEXT. The drunk text has singlehandedly convinced me that technology is bad for dating. I, myself, have been a casualty of eight too many drunk texts (and emails as of late). Nothing like texting some dumb shit you can’t take back after a night of dirty martinis to make you consider logging off for good.