RHoATL, Season 2 Finale: Wrap it up, B

But that choker's not cute.

We’re back and it’s over! I missed blogging last week’s episode but when I got around to watching it, it wasn’t THAT exciting to write about anyway. On to the finale…

What are Dwight’s qualifications as the director of a fashion show? He’s telling Sheree to trust him but um, what references is he rolling with? Sheree is the WORST when it comes to hiring help. She can’t hire models, party planners, seamstresses, nobody. For someone who had such a dreadful show last time, you’d think she would be on top of this. How the hell does Sheree have one vision (simple, understated) and she hired Dwight who is thinking “it’s better to oversell than undersell”????? More fur! More accessories! Mmkay.

The Hartwells are getting real and I appreciate that. Ed is truly being responsible saying let’s downsize this crib that costs $200,000 a year and move into our other crib that’s 9 acres. Still a great place to live, I’m sure, but a downgrade from where they are now. Lisa needs to get it together. I know she’s got a lot of things going on, but I’m not so sure she’s bringing in the kind of cheese that’s necessary for the upkeep of the home and everything else the family is spending money on. She wants to be wealthy, but um, it’s not like they’re moving to the poor house! Ed was TOTALLY on point when he said his home was in his family, not in the house. And no Lisa, you can’t build a guest house. You cannot build a gym. You cannot have a circular driveway. By the time you renovate the property with all those extras, it’ll cost damn near the same or more than the home you’re leaving!

RHoATL, s2e11: heel the world

Too bad this show isn’t live because I’d like to see how they all handled the death of Kandi’s (ex?) fiance Ashely “AJ” Jewell. It would be a refreshing change to see them deal with something real and weighty instead of the fashion shows and dreadful parties. We saw a bit of seriousness when Lisa’s family visited her brother’s grave, but of course this is television and wigs prevail.

Kim is the bestworst person on the show. SUCH a liar! When Kandi stepped to her and asked why Kim didn’t support her and attend her show, Kim tried to say she couldn’t attend because her kid was sick. Um… no. Let’s review: Kim has no job and has no skills or hobbies to speak of yet she has a nanny. I’m pretty sure it’s because she just cannot deal with children AS CHILDREN. Since those lil chunky kids can’t drink yet, Kim pretty much can’t be bothered. So why all of a sudden when one gets sick you want to stay at home? I call shenanigans. You all know that Kandi is sort of annoying to me overall, but I like how when the camera just gets on her, she calls Kim out on her inconsistencies. While shopping for clothes for Kim’s daughters, Kim whipped out her titanium AMEX card and made sure to say it wasn’t a joint account with Big Papa but her own money that funded the card. Kandi, knowing a bit about high limit credit cards, noted that you have to spend a certain amount to even get that card. Ok, where did Kim get $200,000 something dollars on her own? From doing what?! Shenanigans number two! Oh and FYI, I hope Mrs. Big Papa is watching ALL this shit so when it comes time to divorce his ass, she can get into those side accounts he has with his mistresses (plural cuz you know Kim ain’t the only one).

RHoATL, s2e10: better tardy than never

People always talk about Atlanta being notorious for having a large number of gay  men, but has anyone ever counted how many party planners/event coordinators, etc there are in that city? I bet it eclipses the gheys by a million! Of course we have one of the “housewives” throwing a party… KIM! And *shock* she’s not inviting NeNe. It’s a double birthday shindig for Kandi and Kim who both are on the outs with Ms. NeNe at the moment. Let Nene tell it, she doesn’t wanna go anywhere and neither does Lisa (since Kim is involved). As far as I could tell, no one missed anything. For all her talk about having a fabulous party with the best drinks, best food, best music, the party looked like a basement bash I had in high school. Oh well.

I am going to throw my computer listening to Kim try to get these Tardy for the Party verses down, ESPECIALLY after Kandi did a reference for her. This T4TP recording is not an exercise in in vocal acrobatics. It’s a demonstration and advertisement for the equipment that altered Kim’s voice to high hell.I don’t understand and I think it’s counterproductive for Kandi to be supporting this song. If Kandi is trying to come back out with an album and she thinks of herself as a “real” singer, why would she pollute the market and the industry with songs/singers that are simply a product of studio engineering? I think it just waters down people’s expectations. Who needs a “real” singer if we can just pull any old person off of the street and make them sound good with the right team behind them?

RHoATL, s2e9: Get yo hands out my pocketbook!

Tonight was the 2-hour season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy and I’ve never missed an episode so I had to skip the 10pm ep of Real Housewives and wait for 11. Still, as much as I love Grey’s, I HAD to get my catty chick fix and share my impressions of this week’s ep with you all. Don’t blame me for being tardy for the party!

Fresh from a trip to the Bahamas, courtesy of Big Papa, Kim is reevaluating her relationship. I learned something new, that “Security” is the new word for staying with a married man so he can put your kids through college. Oh, ok. Kim is schizo because on the one hand she said she didn’t care about Big Papa’s marriage since it was just a legal thing with no meaning. Then, not 4 seconds later, she says she wants him to put a ring on it. Will the other woman EVER learn? While waiting for her symbol of everlasting love, Kim will settle for Papa’s money and $32,000 gold necklace. When the jeweler remarked that the necklace was “red carpet material,” Kim said she’d wear it to the grocery store. See, heifer, that’s why you’re tacky. Cuz real classy women who don’t make a big deal about $32,000 pieces don’t go traipsing around the Piggly Wiggly trying to stunt out, either.

Sheree doesn’t do anything but plan dreadful parties and unfortunately, she’s blissfully unaware of that fact. She’s moving full steam ahead on the Independence Party idea to celebrate her divorce and her new found freedom. Go on girl! Always on her endless quest to include herself in this amorphous “elite” class, Sheree commissioned a portrait of herself. Wow, bitch. You are high off of the fumes of your own shit. It doesn’t help that Lawrence, your hairdresser tells you that you look like an 18 year old. Cue Joe Wilson…”You Lie!” Truth be told, Rossin‘s work is nice. He made Sheree look 20 yrs younger and 4x more attractive! Question: What is she going to do with that big ass portrait? Hang it in the bedroom? Yep, like I said… feelin herself.

RHoATL, S2E8: Mama I’m not wantin’ to sing

Snarky housewives on deck! Let’s go!

What is wrong with Sheree’s trainer? When he first popped on the show he seemed like a normal personal trainer, getting folks in shape while sitting on his ass. After the first commercial break, homeboy enters with a studded leather vest and a banana sling for his frank and beans! What kind of bootleg “fitness modeling” bullshit is this? Looks like Chippendales… for men.

These chicks will have a party for anything. After taking those alter-ego photos with Derek Blanks, the ladies are prepping for a black-tie event to reveal the pics. I’m going to let out a big who cares right here. I expect this kind of behavior from the likes of Nene and Sheree but really, who besides the women on the show is attending this party? I’ve been to Atlanta and every other week there’s a new hot spot opening up. Hell, it’s even popping at the mall. So why, folks, would any self-respecting person go to a fancy party to see some pics that will be up on Google Images in less than 24?

As expected, a bunch of nobody negroes showed up to this “party” to see some C-list reality celebrities’ airbrushed photos. Whoo. Walking through that “Who’s who” of Atlanta Society, Kim must have been too dazzled by all of the fabulocity in the room and she bust her ass down three patio stairs. It did look rather nasty with several scratches on her knees and shin but the party is not going to stop because some white girl done fell down the stairs. Or maybe it will. EVERYONE gathered around the SUV and moved the party outside! Wow! What a perfect opportunity to preview the new hit song, Tardy for the Party! Hahaha! Yall, that display by Kim was the worst, most pitiful bullshit I’ve ever seen. She is crazy. What grown woman acts like that? You fall, you get up. If it’s serious, well you have someone take you to the hospital. You dont get carried around like Cleopatra to view your subpar alter-ego photoshoot in the DRIVEWAY! Jesus be a gurney!

RHoATL, s2e7: Fashion Weak

Getting an early start on my Labor Day weekend caused me to miss blogging about last week’s episode. Before I get into this week’s shenanigans, here are a few thoughts from Episode 6 aka She Gotta Big Alter Ego:

• Aren’t alter ego photo shoots for famous people not just second-season reality casts?
• Argument between Kandi and Nene on who is Ghetto’er or Hood’er? Totally ridiculous and boring
  

  Lisa in a Closet Freak creation

• OMG why did Kandi do that SAME stripper leg move at the belly dancing class that she did on the youtube vid with Fantasia!? One trick pony ass.
• Why is Kim still running with the cancer lie and demanding an apology from Lisa for calling her out on it? KIM… YOU admitted on television that you were never sick about 2 minutes after saying you had cancer. Ugh!
  Don’t be tardy for the party gotta be the biggest joke on television. Who even says “tardy” anymroe? Teachers?
• How come Kim has to keep a “Black version” of herself around? First Nene was her Black alter ego. Then Sheree was her Black twin. Now her assistant, Myliek, is the Black edition of Kim. With all of this mess, why didn’t Kim want Nene to paint her in blackface for the photo shoot again? (FYI, I’m glad Kim realized that showing up on TV in blackface, no matter what the rationale, would have been the end of her life).
• Why the FUCK don’t Kim’s kids eat anything beside fast food? How is Monday Chick-fil-A day and Tuesday is Taco Bell day? Great mom, thanks for all of this cellulite and heart disease!
• Quote of the episode: “I’m not telling the world that I’m a singer, what I’m saying to the world is that I’m better than Kim.” -  Nene

On to this week. The Hartwells, in addition to all their other endeavors (baby clothes, real estate, jewelry) have entered the fashion design arena. I know Atlanta isn’t Milan, Paris or NYC but damn… between Sheree’s model casting and Lisa’s casting this week, ATL models look like they’re running away not rocking the run way. Boo. Just like Kim can’t stand Lisa’s success (for whatever haterific reason), Sheree didn’t seem too happy about another non-designing designer among the housewives.

RHoAtl, s2e5: this is for my homies

You're a Taurus? OMG me too!

CONTAINS SPOILERS - I swear, this show is about as fake as Kim’s hair or Kandi’s “happy family.” Still, it’s another week, another episode and I’m sitting right here with laptop at the ready to take down all the shenanigans for you!

The saddest thing to me is the state of R&B music as evidenced by Ms. Kandi Burrus. No doubt that Kandi was singing her butt off with Xscape and I’ve heard her getting down since then. Blame it on old age or a dated sense of music but Kandi just doesn’t sound as good to me anymore. Plus she’s doing this tacky music I feel is beneath vocalists with real talent (see Mariah Carey).”I fly above all the haters?” How old are you? Oh, and if you didn’t catch it, that song was inspired by Kim. Aw Kandi, how sweet of you! :/

How strange that Kandi and Kim are best buds now. They were all in the studio bonding and Kim kept bringing up her own recording. Um, that wig must be clouding her judgment because we know Kim cannot sing. She couldn’t even sing to Kandi on the couch! Nene still blasts her out of the water with “Don’t be tardy for the party.” LOL

RHoATL, s2e4: such a happy family

Lisa's gym face

Last week left me wanting for some serious wig snatching and not that tease of a tug Sheree gave Kim. Thankfully, the episode was saved by Dwight’s fabulous party and boob inspections. Bravo, don’t fail me now!

Question: Is it necessary for Lisa to work out in a full face of makeup and that hair all down her back? I know when I’m up in the gym (or when I WAS up in the gym), I didn’t have time for all of that. Mascara all sweating down into my eyes and that hair is like having a heater on the back of your neck. Hmph. Yeah, it’s television but I thought Lisa went hard on her workouts.

I know this is not the nicest thing to say, but Kim’s children are terribly boring. I don’t want to see them ever again on this show. Especially when I’m subjected to scenes where two adults and two children cannot come together and figure out whether “sightseeing” is an adjective or a verb (FYI, it’s a verb). After acting like dictionaries don’t exist, the nanny tells Kim’s daughter that she’s going to hell for rapping her prayer (you can’t make this stuff up). Nanny’s job wasn’t in too much jeopardy at that point, though, because we know Kim is the queen of empty threats. Just like she says one tihng to Nene and Sheree and never follows up on it. Kim could’ve axed the nanny right then and there and she probably should have because a little later, Kim got the heads up that the nanny had left the kids home alone to make a tampon run. Damn.
Question: why does Kim need a nanny? She doesn’t work, right? How come she can’t raise her kids?

Kandi attempted to get her family together for a photo shoot, a la the Sears Portrait Studio. You know, the ones where everyone is dressed alike? Wheretheydothatat? That’s still in style? No, it’s not. Kandi is just bass ackwards but we knew that when she signed up to marry some dude with 6 kids and 4 different mothers (and you’ve only known him for 8 months)? Who is she trying to convince with her “we are a happy family” spiel? I think she might say it 3 times an episode, every episode. We don’t believe you, boo. I know her momma doesn’t believe one single bit of it the way she removed herself from the “family” picture.

RHoATL, S2E3: Hair we go again!

Last week, Bravo hoodwinked us into watching as we anticipated a wig snatch-off of epic proportions. Who am I kidding, we would’ve been watching anyway!

This week picked up right where we left off… with Sheree, Nene and Kim arguing in a nice restaurant, causing a scene. After proclaiming “I’m gonna whoop her ass,” Sheree went after Kim. They shouted, got all up in each others’ faces and Sheree just TUGGED Kim’s wig. A tug?! Ugh, I’m so utterly disappointed! While Sheree tried to make a distinction between weave and wigs “I can’t take mine off like you can”), Kim called her out as a lazy gold digger trying to live off of her ex’s money. http://www.truthhurts.com. Real talk though… what kind of grown woman with class, status and self-respect gets into a shouting argument on the street? To deal, Kim called her friend (of 11 years), Jody, who drove from Alabama. I get the impression that Jody doesn’t want to be dragged into Kim’s madness and was focused on the free meal courtesy of Bravo (you know they’re treating!). How odd, though, because as far as we know, Kim has no friends outside of the Housewives.

I like Nene and all but I think she’s wrong in all of this. She’s trying to play all sides. Friends with Kim and then kee-keeing behind her back with Lisa and Sheree. She invited Kim out to talk and clear the air. Yet when Kim and Sheree were violating each others’ personal space, she made a lame attempt at breaking it up. To me it looked as if she was enjoying it, especially because she laughed about it with Lisa afterward. Anyway you slice it, it’s shady biz.

Always adding some much needed levity to the show, Dwight popped on screen planning a fabulous 50th birthday party with animals coming from the ceiling and half naked men and women painted like wildlife. In all seriousness, Dwight seems about his business when it comes to party planning. He wants his shrimp cold and crisp, his hot food steaming and the breasts pushed up! Sheree shouldn’t have been messing with that temper tantrum throwing planner she had and called Dwight! I love him so much!

Kandi (and that dreadful haircolor not found in nature) shows up at Dwight’s extravaganza, meeting him for the first time. He gives her the once over, felt up her boobs and inspected her feet. She passed. Kandi was making a first impression on Sheree as well who, for now, sees Kandi as a kindred spirit. I have a feeling that might change in the future.

RHoATL, S2E2: scared? say you scared.

YES! Back again after all of that dreadful drama last week! Did you know the season premier of RHoATL attracted over four million viewers? This is America’s guilty pleasure for sure.

In the spirit of working it all out, Nene wanted to get together with Sheree and Lisa to talk with Kim. While I think it’s good to talk it out, she wants to see who said what. Honestly, that’s some kid shit for real.

Is EVERY man in Atlanta gay? I have not seen these women with one straight male gay friend. Of course Dwight is the G.O.A.T. Kim has her very one gayboyfriend, Dean Pardue (aka White Chocolate) who is also a stylist. (Is any gay man in Atlanta NOT a stylist?) Yo, all I could think of when Kim was trying on her “custom made fashions” was what is wrong with her boobs? Listen, you can’t pretend to be fabulous with a botched boob job and a tacky blonde wig. You just can’t. Question of the episode #1: Why does Kim Zolciak need an assistant? That heifer is on that Tommy ish… she ain’t got no job!

Blog fam, can we be real? Do you really think Sheree needs a gun to protect herself? She’s not living in the SWAT ya know. She’s living in most people’s dream. That gun isn’t for protection. That piece is so her ex knows he better not let THIS house get foreclosed upon or it’s going to be some drama. WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO? On a related note, kudos to sidekick Tania for really knowing her gun/military stuff.