Continuing to post entries from my high school journal entries from 10 years ago. See the previous post for some background/insight. High School Confidential – I
Dec. 6: Right now I’m mad at Rick. A couple of days ago, he told me that he was staying at Rob’s house and was smokin + stuff. anyway, Jessica, the Puerto Rican girl was there and Rick woke up with hickies on his neck. Anyways, I didn’t believe him at first, but then I did because he kept up his story and really made me believe him, and since I trust him I thought he was telling the truth. I got all mad and everything and we had a discussion. He asked me if I didn’t believe him and I said that he’s never lied to me as far as I know so I believe him when he told me he didn’t do anything. Anyways, it all blew over and tonight he tells me it was all a joke or a “test” as he says. He said he’s been getting attached and wanted to make sure I trusted him.
This test backfired tho. Why? Cause now I have all these ?’s in my head. 1st, if he was “testing” or lying about this, how can I trust him? And he could be lying now, maybe this hickie thing really did happen and since I wanted to talk to Jessica, he might be trying to cover the whole thing up. I really wanna believe him. I wanna be able to wholeheartedly trust him. But it’s hard, ya know. I guess one reason is because I myself an insecure and I’m in love with him and I see why others will and do love him. So it’s hard for me to trust him wholly, because, how much can he take? How many pretty girls, girls who’ll do things I won’t do, friend who pressure him to talk to these girls. How much? Sometimes I have high self-esteem, so many people think that I’m conceited or very self assured, cause I won’t let anyone see me any other way. You can’t. But other times I’m really unsure. About my looks, the way I act, how others see me, how Rick sees me, and myself in general. It’s really terrible, dangerous, how much I love him. What would I be like if I lost him? So really, my mistrust is my protection. The more I trust him, the more vulnerable I am to him. I’ll get hurt more because I was more open. But he doesn’t know this stuff. He said he’ll call me back. I doubt it’ll be tonight. So I’ll wait and wait for him to call or page me. Sometimes it’s hard 4 me to sleep at night thinking of him, my stomach hurts during the say, a nervous sort of butterfly tingle. Why do I let people do this to me. I’d do almost anything for him, if he’d just ask./ The talent show was yesterday and the basketball game.
Wow. I sort of remember what was going down then. Man… me and Rick went back and forth over that Jessica girl for a minute. She was the BANE of my existence. And then I saw her. She wasn’t all that cute, but she was puerto rican and had long hair and was skinny. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that shit was money in the bank, yo. I was VERY jealous. I was going to have the crew ride out on that chick! The part about feeling weird in my tummy and not sleeping… so true. It would feel like I was going to burst sometimes just thinking about that boy.
I’m kind of impressed at all of that stuff I wrote about being insecure and hiding it. Also, the stuff about knowing how being too vulnerable can be dangerous. That really translates over time. I feel the same way sometimes, 10 years later. LOL at adding that sentence about the talent show and game at the end. Random.
Jan 27: It’s been a while, seeing as it’s January and all. Well here’s what went on. Me and Lynnece spent x-mas at Diane’s. It was cool. At Lani’s house, her mom had a x-mas stocking for me. They had a tree and everything. Rick was nowhere to be found on x-mas but he did get me a necklace and a ring. 4 new years, me, Lani, bev, Hass, Lossie, Boog, Jason, Cherelle, Charmaine and Tanisha all chilled. Jayson Lewis bought some drinks. Tanisha did too. Once again, Rick was nowhere to be found! Lately we’ve been arguing and stuff but I really love that boy, I’ve even been compromising myself, which, I do not do. That’s another reason we’re arguing, cause now I refuse to further compromise my principles. / Me and Lani went to teen night at Confetti’s it was nice until niggers started acting up! One night at Lani’s, Rick came over. Cora was gone so we was chilln’. This was around xmas vacation. Anyways, we was in Lani’s room and were getting into it when we had to stop, cause he didn’t have a condom. Then he was all like “let’s just do it” but you know I wasn’t going 4 that! Even though he WAS hittin’ all the right spots and made me think twice!!
There was also teen night at McCoys. Letoria and Charmaine, me and Alex went. we was chillin w/Rick’s friends from Ketcham… Oliver, Shane, Shelden and Charles. Oliver is madd fun! Saturday, Zack Martin (roast) was supposed to have this big huge bash. Well, he must’ve pulled the biggest joke in P.K.! First, me, Lani and Charmaine went to a party on Franklin St., Anthony (big nose) party, that got broken up, but not b-4 Lynnece had a chance to get drunk up and Charmaine halfway there wit her! We met up q/Alex and went to Mill St. to Jerry North’s house where Zack’s party was supposed to be. When we got there, Jerry looked clueless. There had to be at least 50 black PHS kids in the street. The police came and we all started to walk up Mill, cause Steve Thompson said there was aparty. Now, it was me, Maine, Alex and Lani, Kevin A., Dejan, Jayquan and Steve. We get to Morgan Ave and by the way, did I say it was a blizzard outside, snowing like HELL! There was no party there. So like idiots, we all walked in the snow to Confetti’s like we were getting in. We left there and ended up on Dejan’s waterbed chillin. Kevin was flirting that night and I took his lollipop outta his mouth and ate it. Hey, it’s not like I haven’t shared spit w/him before! At dejan’s Alex noticed that Kevin had pretty eyes and that made me notice. If I don’t go to the prom w/Rick, I’d go w/Kevin cause he’d look nice in the pictures. He might go w/Ebony though. Tomorrow or sometime this week, I plan 2 call planned parenthood to see about getting birth control pills. Well that seems to be all the news. By the way, I’m gonna go get my permit!
PS. A couple weeks ago, I came home w/a hickie! Rick was just playing, not even being on my neck more than some seconds, not even trying to make a mark. But i mark easily and it was big and red. My grandpa asked about it, but I told him it was a curling iron burn. Not like he’s stupid or anything. I know he knows the deal. Oh and that night me + rick were in Lani’s room, he started crying and he told me about how he almost cheated on me with Jessica. He cried in my lap and told me he didn’t want me mad at him and he cried how much he loved me. I was soooo heated. I really don’t like that puertoricanbitch!! Mess around and get her house put on fire!! o.k. just kidding. But when that boy cried on my lap and told me how he felt i loved him 100 x’s more.
Omigod. I was such a damn simp ass simp. And a racist. LOL.