Overrated: A mini sex rant.

J.E.L.L.O.
Sex is natural – sex is good / Not everybody does it, But everybody should…”

George Michael told y’all and I’ll agree. Sex is good (when done correctly). The coolest thing about sex is that it can take many forms depending on who is involved, the mood, time constraints, location, etc. That being said, I don’t think it’s right to tell anyone how they ought to be having sex. I think the possibilities are endless (if you’re into all that).

Still, there are a couple of things sexually-related that I feel are totally overrated. The following things are cool to try, but once you’ve done it, any repeat performances just seem so… unnecessary.

-Combining Sex with Food

People, people, people. I KNOW you’ve been inundated with images and lyrics depicting chocolate syrup being drizzled, whipped cream sprayed, strawberries placed, honey dripped, and, well you get the point. Look, I get it. Enjoying food can be a sensual experience. You involve your sight, smell, touch and taste. Sometimes even hearing (sizzling skillet or crunchy texture). Some foods contain chemicals that stimulate pleasure.Occasionally, yes. If you’re a foodie like me, you know that experiencing a well-cooked meal can be almost orgasmic. Then there’s sex. Sex involves all of your senses, like food. Sex, if you’re lucky, is totally orgasmic. Seems like a no-brainer to combine the two. While I think food & sex can be fun and playful (always a plus in the bedroom), it mostly just turns out to be a mess. After you’ve poured, drizzled, sprayed, dripped and placed, now you’ve got to lick it off. A little here and there is cool. But after a while someone is tired of licking or worse, you never quite get all that stickyness off. So now someone’s covered in chocolate residue and spit. Ooh, sexy. What about my sheets, yo? Word up, don’t get chocolate syrup on my sheets. So yeah, I’d say food & sex is something you should definitely try a couple of times with your partner. A regular activity? Nah.

-Sixty-Nine/69-

I know folks are going to disagree with me. So what, get a blog and link here! If you read my blog, you should be an adult and already know what I am talking about, no matter how sexually experienced you are. Still, I’ll play dumb dumb with you. The 69 looks something like this little picture to the side SFW pic(all of the “real” pics were a bit too graphic) where you put your head in your partner’s nether-region and they do the same to you, allowing you two to simultaneously deliver some smokin’ oral sex. Usually this takes place laying down, but if you flip through the Kama Sutra, you’ll probably see some Southeast Asian folks tryna show the rest of the world up by doing it standing up. I think that the “69” position is seriously overrated. I have one simple defense for my position: If any one of the parties is doing a really good job of delivering the smokin’ oral sex I mentioned, the other party can NOT deliver a 100% smokin’ oral sex experience in turn. So what you end up with is mediocre “head” from all involved. Why not just take turns and give our full, undivided attention to giving (and getting) service? I mean, why are you rushing? Multitasking is fabulous at work. Micromanagement works best in bed, ya dig?

-Sex in the Shower-

You can’t fight me on this one, folks. Sex in the shower is totally overrated! Taking a shower with someone is sometimes okay on a rare occasion (like maybe if you just want to wash your sweetie’s back or you need to conserve water). Taking it up a notch and getting freaky in there? I’ll take a rain check (no pun intended). Let me tell you a short story: One day, back in the day, I was chilling on the stoop with my peoples.Steamy Conversation turned to sex, as it usually does and this guy starts telling us about the last time he had shower sex. He said that he and his girl were smashing away when, all of a sudden, the water turned shockingly cold. ICE cold! He was so surprised and startled by the temperature change that he momentarily forgot what he was doing and let go… he dropped homegirl. She hit her head on the side of the tub. No more nookie for him. Now, I’ll admit that’s probably a rare occurrence. Still, shower sex can be stupid if you have a tiny wack tub, It’s hard to feel hot in your shower cap and water can fuck with your natural lubrication. Besides, a lot of people PAY FOR WATER. Do you wasteful horndog heathens ever think about the children in other countries who haven’t had clean water since the last wave of missionaries rode through? SHAME! Besides, when’s the last time you got a GOOD shower while someone else was in there?

Feel free to dispute my claims with vivid tales of your sexual exploits or just name some other overrated sex-related crap.

5 Comments

Filed under Routine Ramblings

5 responses to “Overrated: A mini sex rant.

  1. • Public Sex
    I went to see “Black Knight” starring Martin Lawrence one night in 2001… prolly a Monday night, at 10p.
    It was just me and an older couple sitting a few rows behind me.
    5 minutes into the movie, the woman is nowhere to be seen, but I sure did hear slurping… and it wasn’t someone drinking a soda.

    • Them full leather-ass costume jawns.
    Like the dominatrix jawns where only the mouth and naughty parts are exposed.
    Or they be hanging off of chains and shit…

    I just can’t clap to that.
    Maybe a little whip is nice here, and something to tickle a jawn is nice there, but no one should have a battle suit just to get it in.

    • 3-somes, 4-somes, orgies.
    Umm… NAH.
    I ain’t trying to see another dude’s wang all up close and personal. And I gotta say, seeing two jawns getting it in sounds good on paper, but it prolly wouldn’t work out well in the end.

    ^^^That stuff^^^ might work for others, but not me.
    I prefer one-on-one intimate relations.

  2. ndenise

    You reminded me of another one…
    SEX IN THE CAR: Now, I’ve never had sex in a car so maybe I’m not qualified to speak on the matter. But I’m pretty tall and I can’t see how my long ass is going to be able to go in with any kind of comfort or pleasure in your standard-sized vehicle. Throw in trying to be discreet too? Not gon’ be able to do it.

    On public sex: not sure I can agree with you fully there pad’nuh.

  3. Yeah.
    In the car (especially my little go-kart) is super tricky and prolly hazardous. Plus it kinda falls into that “public sex” category unless there’s an enclosed garage or underground parking…

    Like, if I was out in a national park or in the woods and there were no other mammals watching… I might could do that.
    But like in the back of a taxi or in an airplane bathroom? Meh.

    I’d really have to be madly and deeply in love with a jawn to forget all my home training.

  4. ndenise

    You’re such a prude.

  5. :(
    I’m so housebroken.

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