Bros before Hoes?

What’s the female equivalent of that phrase? Chicks before Dicks? Ugh, whatever. I think by the time I’m done you’ll get my point.

Whatever you call it, I haven’t always been true to that credo. We say it all the time, never put your man/woman over your friends. The thinking is that relationships come and go, whereas friendships are constant. I get it, I really do and for the most part (about 98%) I’m with it. On the other hand, what if you believe you’re in a relationship that’s not “come and go”? Does “chicks before dicks” extend to your husband? I doubt it.

Anyway, like I said, I fell short once. A situation concerning myself, my girlfriend and my boyfriend ended up with me not talking to my friend anymore. For convenience (and privacy), let’s call her Faye.

Faye and I met in middle school. We weren’t super duper close during those years but in high school she was definitely a close associate. I had other girls who I would consider more friends at that time. When high school came to a close, however, we kind of banded together. We were up for some of the same scholarships. We were like our very own sorority of black chicks who were going to good schools, getting up out of our crap towns. We bonded in our burgeoning bourginess (points to me for alliteration!). During college, we became closer. Although we went to school in different states, I would often visit her campus for X-mas or other breaks and we’d hang.

After college was through, I was supposed to go straight to law school in New Orleans. I changed my mind, however, and decided to work a little bit and live in NYC. I linked up with Faye who was planning on staying in the city and we got a place together. Around the same time, I was in a relationship with a guy I’ll call Jason. Jason and I met my last semester in college. We were bonded instantly and when I left to go to NY, he moved up there to, staying with family.

Faye and I made cool roommates. We both worked a lot and really just relaxed in the evenings. On the weekends, she’d either go out of town or chill on a date. I’d hang with Jason who’d take the train from the ‘burbs to see me. Occasionally we’d all be in the apartment together. From the start, I could tell that Faye wasn’t too crazy about Jason.

After a few months, Faye started telling me that she didn’t trust Jason. She thought he was shady and not good enough for me. I was of the mindset that Jason and I would be together for a very long time and Faye didn’t HARDLY know him like I knew him. I told her I appreciated her looking out for me, but that I thought she was off base.

Another time, Faye told me that Jason tried to holler at a friend of hers online. How she knew this, I have no idea. We didn’t run in the same circles at all. She didn’t have an email or inboxed pic to show me. I heard her, but I wasn’t listening. Faye didn’t let it go, though. Everytime Jason was over, she’d get an attitude or leave. She didn’t come out of her room when we were watching movies in the living room.

One day, she blew up at me. She told me that he was an asshole and that I was stupid for being with him. She said she knew he was a cheater and that he was an evil person. She never gave me any proof or details though. The argument escalated and she got really pissed. She said she didn’t want him coming over to the apartment anymore. Now, I felt like that was unreasonable, mostly because I paid half the rent and utilities. Faye thought of the place as more hers, though, because she found it (we moved in right after her mom moved out) and she was the only one on the lease. At that point, I felt like she was attacking me and it wasn’t about Jason anymore. I didn’t want to be in a position where someone could just dictate how I lived my life. Totally BAN my man from the place I call home? Where I pay rent and bills and buy groceries that YOU eat? You wipe your ass with toilet paper that I buy? I found it really unfair.

To be honest, I made my next moves out of straight up stubbornness. I told her I wasn’t going to live like that, like she was my mother or something. She told me I’d have to deal with it or get out. I got out. We didn’t speak for days, only about necessary shit. I packed up my stuff and had one of our mutual friends come and get me. It was super inconvenient really, because I had just started going to school again (short-lived) and now I had to move and add about an hour and a half to my commute every day. I could go on, but that’s another story.

That was back in like 2003. I haven’t spoken to her since. I miss her. Sometimes things happen that I know she would find funny or crazy and I wish I could call her. I don’t have her number. Her old email doesn’t work anymore.

Oh, and of course, Jason and I broke up. Truth be told, he was the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had. He probably WAS cheating. He was definitely into some shady shit (more of which could be another post). At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing. In retrospect, I let some dumb nigga come between my girl and I. I don’t even know how she feels about the whole situation. Our mutual friends from back home haven’t heard from her. She really doesn’t fuck with folk back there too tough anyway.

I’ve tried to Google her. I’ve searched her name on MySpace. I searched for her on Facebook. Nothing.
Until last week. For some reason last week I decided to put her name in the search box again at like 2am. BOOM. She’s on there. I couldn’t view her page because she has it set to “friends view only” or something like that. So do I. I sent her a message though, the text of which read like this:

Hey Faye,
I’m surprised to see you’re on facebook because, well I’ve searched for you on here before unsuccessfully. I haven’t had any way to get in touch.
I’m really interested to know what’s going on with you and how you’ve been doing. I miss talking to you and catching up.
I’m really sorry about the last times we talked and how things went down. I’ll be the asshole on that one. So much has happened since we last spoke.
It’s been too long to have gone without getting in touch.
I don’t know what compelled me to put your name in the search again, but I’m glad I did.
So hit me back and let me know what’s up.

She hasn’t responded. Did I not say enough? I feel bad about it, but I guess I can’t blame her.
No, wait. I don’t really feel like that. See, while I know I was wrong in the situation, that shit was like 5 years ago. I’ve been trying to get back in touch for years and now that I finally reach out, she’s still like fuck that? I’d like to think that the transgression wasn’t SO bad as to where she would just cut me off forever. I don’t think I would do that.

Then again, she might be one of those people who don’t really do Facebook like that. It did take her mad long to even sign up.

We’ll see if she hits me up in the future.


Filed under My Life

4 responses to “Bros before Hoes?

  1. She’ll come around…if she’s gotten the message by now she’s just internalizing and analyzing the SHITuation and how things went down.

    Y’all have been outta touch for so long that its probable she doesn’t even remember the true reason as to why y’all stopped talking


  2. triptych

    Bourgie! It’s between her and ME.

    More importantly, I think SHE was wrong. You just can’t make accusations like that without SOME sort of evidence. Let alone ban dude from your house. That shit is wild. What did she expect you to break up with dude like “Yo we can’t be together anymore cuz my girl don’t like you?” He would say you’re crazy and be right.

    And if she did have some evidence she wasn’t sharing, and just wanted you to take her word on it, I don’t think she was being much of a friend.

    Just my $0.02.

  3. Hopefully she will chuck it to the game. You were young, stupid and in love. Most of us have been there. The fact that you’re apologizing and genuinely care about how she’s doing….that speaks volumes. Hopefully she’ll come around.

    At some point in a relationship, you’ve got to put the d*ck before your chick. I mean, we marry the d*ck, not the chick, so at some point d*ck > chick, right? This doesn’t mean being an ass to friends, it just means putting your SO first.

  4. Bevlo

    Faye is hard to please but hopefully she has grown last i heard her father was sick but that was like a year ago. Maybe she is busy or just needs time to reflect on her feelings????? Wait N C

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