I was thinking about how helpful my friend was the other night when I was inches away from alcohol poisoning. I also thought about how he doesn’t really have that much experience dealing with drunk friends (at least I don’t think so). So I figured I’d give a few tips on what one should do when entrusted with the care of a shitfaced pal.
1. Take a lesson from the folks in New Orleans and Key West. PREPARE!
In preparing for Gustav and Ike, the good folks of the coastal region know that even though it all looks good (calm before the storm), some shit is about to go down. They buy out the stores, board up their homes and, if they’re smart, they’ll hightail it out of town. You can do the same for you drunk friend. You can totally tell when somebody is heading down the road to DrunkAsFuckTown. This is a good time to start slipping them glasses of water and directing them away from the open bar. If they haven’t threatened to keel over yet, you might even want to take ’em to a diner for some fries. Mmm, fries.
2. Bulimia isn’t all that bad.
Sometimes it’s good to throw up. Unfortunately, you usually throw up when you least want to. It really is in a drunk person’s best interest to get that crap out of their system BEFORE going to sleep. As a good friend, you can help by convincing your pal that it’s okay to stick their finger in their throat. If you could hold their hat/purse, that’d be great, too.
3. Take the child safety lock off of your doors.
If you care about the interior of your car, don’t keep your ride locked down like Fort Knox. Having been in this position before, I can tell you that when the urge to vomit hits and you’re in the passenger seat, there’s little to no time to react. Fumbling for the “unlock” button is not what you want to be doing. That door better just fly open. Or you can just save the cleaning bill.
4. Don’t be a perv.
You might find it necessary to accompany your pal into their home to make sure they get settled alright. A good friend will help take off Mr. Drunkytime’s shoes. A best friend will help take of his pants. Don’t be a perv, though. This is not a time to be looking at your buddy as a sex object or, on the other hand, being disgusted to find out that they have holes in their drawlz.
5. Get more water.
Do you have any idea what happens when you’re really drunk? The morning after heavy drinking, the body is dying for water. Alcohol acts as a diuretic and since you’ve probably been pissing and vomiting all night, you’re pretty dry. Headaches result from dehydration because the body’s organs try to make up for their own water loss by stealing water from the brain, causing the brain to decrease in size and pull on the membranes that connect the brain to the skull, resulting in pain. Sounds funky, right? WATER.
6. Check in.
Once you finally get your drunk friend to lay down, place a nice trash pail, bucket or plastic bag next to them. Don’t forget a cup of water, too. If you can stay, find a place to lay down (but not next to your pal unless you want to wear those french fries on your shirt). Chances are, you’re pretty wasted too, but in this case you’re as pure as the driven snow compared to stank breath laid out on the bed. Try to drum up enough strength to check on you pal a few times.
7. Shut up.
This is the most important thing. Shut up about it. There is only one time you can talk about what happened and that’s to tell your friend about the things they can’t remember. Blackout is common, you see. Otherwise, you cannot bring up the events of that night ever again. Not to your friend and definitely not in mixed company. He/She knows what happened and they will never forget how you helped them. Do not ruin a nice evening out by mentioning that funny time he/she slept in the 4 foot space between the toilet and the bathtub. Do NOT take photos.
We will all likely be in a situation where we’ll need someone to take care of us after a night of poor decision making and lack of discernment. Don’t think it won’t be you the next time. Trust that your good deeds will not go unnoticed and that someday, your friend will hose off the Spicy Doritos you ate from the side of their car and not miss a beat. Nor will they post the damage up on Facebook. That’s what friends are for.