Spotlight: Smitten

Glamour magazine online has a blog called Smitten. it’s alright but I mostly like the new feature which shares tales of awkward sexual experiences. Let’s face it, we’ve all had them. This had me literally laughing out loud. Can’t wait for more.

“My Horribly Awkward Sexual Experience.”

…First up is a hilarious 29-year-old editor in New York. Her steamy tale, after the jump…

One summer, I was interning in D.C., and I went out with a junior politician. He was a total pleaser–didn’t drink, very handshake-y, a really good guy.

At the end of the night, I went home with him, and we started hooking up.

So he goes down on me. I don’t particularly like that; it’s not my thing. But I have to throw a kid a bone because it’s nice of him, and he thinks he’s doing something fabulous. So I faked this elaborate orgasm. My fake orgasm had two messages: One, thank you, and two, you’ve done your thing, let’s finish up.

But obviously he was so thrilled—like grinning from ear to ear in this super goofy way, which only makes me want to end it so much sooner.

So we start kissing again and immediately he starts going down south–again. And I was like, “Whoa, that’s a little weird.” If you know anything about the female body…you don’t go right back, unless she invites you there. She’s kind of spent. You wouldn’t give a guy a blow job and go right back down. Unless you’re like 16.

Anyway, I was like OK, but I didn’t know what to do, I was young…I was still so awkward. So I kind of faked a mini orgasm again.

Then he looked even more thrilled…and, you will never believe it…he did it A THIRD TIME! I was perplexed. I may have made some noises out of pure confusion.

I was now like, “This is totally crazy. How do I make this stop?” So then I try to sort of pull him up and he puts his face right up into mine.

And, after this dramatic pause, he says, “So…how ’ya doing…down there?”

I had no idea what to say.

I wanted to say “Uh, not good.”

I said, “Uh, good.”

And he went down a fourth time.

I mean, I’m an idiot, I should have said, “Look I’m not that into this.” But it was like getting caught in a lie. I’m not going to be like, “Guess what? You spent the last 45 minutes munching box, and I’m not that into it.”

We fell asleep and I thought, thank God it’s over. But the next morning, he went right back down south. As soon as I woke up, my eyes were like starting to open, and I was like, “This is a joke.” I just wanted to get out of there. This guy thinks it’s like a gift from God, but it’s absolute torture. I never hooked up with him again; I was like, “I’m out of here.”

There’s a moral to the story. I have to say, I learned a lot from it. It was such a 19-year-old thing to do, to go with the flow–go with the flow, like you have no will of your own. At that point in my life, I was just taking my cues from him, and he was taking his cues from me, and it was a total clusterf***.

Ed. note: This woman is now older, wiser and happily married (not to a junior politician).

(Photo by Corey Arnold)

by Joanna Goddard