So Men’s Health Magazine put out these 50 things. Not like Men’s Health is, in my opinion, an authority on anything except abs and tanning. Still, I thought it’d be fun to go through some of them (you didn’t think I’d hit all 50!) and drop my two cents.
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you’re wrong.
Oh really? Seems like men get exasperated and squeemish if we express ourselves sometimes. So you mean to tell me that when you’re ignoring everything I’m saying, you’re really just beaming with pride?
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you’re not in the car.
That offers me no comfort, especially because you’re probably speeding in MY car.
5. If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
And if you’re truly interested in us, don’t act like you can’t tell us. You’re not less of a man if you say, “I like you.”
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me–once.
Nope, you can’t have it that easy. When I screw up, I’m going to tell you. As many times as it takes, okay?
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I’m inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
Funny, most men will use the bathroom with the door open and will STILL talk to you.
9. I’m hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
We don’t believe you, you need more people. Nah, you might not want to do it to them, but you have certainly noticed whether they’re hot or not.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
Your guy friends are my best sign that you have a heart of gold. Only a saint would entertain the mentally challenged on a regular basis.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.
Dude, have you SEEN an unkempt eyebrow? Unibrows ain’t pretty either. Take a hint.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
Ok, but I guess that means I’m responsible for getting you up every time too? How about when you’re playing Madden?
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you’re nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
Number 14 is incompatible with Number 13.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
I’m pro-self touch too but be careful, too much masturbation is going to screw with #13 and your ability to maintain erection through to ejaculation. It’s true.
19. There’s no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
Then why doesn’t it happen more often? Get to work!
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren’t looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
When you disregard my anger and belittle it as stupid and pointless, I question your respect for me.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
HA! As if you could tell!
29. When you call us at work “just to chat,” we’re not really listening; we’re checking our e-mail.
OMG. Mixed messages abound! I thought you wanted me to express myself! I KNEW you weren’t listening!
33. We love ponytails.
So confusing. I thought you guys like being able to run fingers through our hair. Ohhhh… nevermind. Ponytails are good for pulling. Got it.
35. The first time? We’re as nervous as you are.
That’s good to know.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we’re happy.
I could totally tell. But don’t think that’s going to get me in the kitchen ALL the time, slick.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
Baby, that’s not for you, that’s for me. How else can I get some peace and quiet?
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
I’m really just making sure your friends know I’m your girl.
49. Don’t rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
How patronizing. Let’s be real here, it is I who keeps YOU up on the news and everything else going on outside of your apartment.
To check out all 50 hit up Men’s Health.