philly so crazy

Last night I was out and about, running around on a failed mission (but I won’t get into that). As usual, Philly never disappoints and I was able to observe/overhear some interesting stuff.

• On the Broad Street Line, around 7pm, headed southbound. A young woman and her two kids get on and sit behind me. These kids must have just fueled up on grape sodas and bubblegum because they’re bouncing off the walls. No, bouncing off the seats. My seat. One kid repeatedly hits me in the back. I’m trying to stay chill because kids can be stupid and I figure soon enough, the mom will put her in check. Nope. So now I gotta turn around in my seat and give that half smile which means “Bitch, control your litter!” Anyway, both of the kids continue to just make noise and wild out. Eventually, the mom gets fed up (I guess after dealing with them, her threshhold for bullshit is pretty high) and says to her son, “I swear I’m going to punch you in the face!” The little boy, unflinched, says “Mommy, I love you.” Without missing a beat, the mom replies, “I love you too.” Man, if that ain’t some kind of warped ass love, I don’t know what is.
• A gaggle of hoodrats boarded the subway. The weave quotient rose exponentially at that point. They were all chattering about some crap, I dunno really because I had turned my iPod up to deafening volume. The most interesting of them all was the oldest woman. Clearly, she was someone’s mother. What’s sadder than an aging hoodrat? She was beyond her prime but had a very youthful weave ponytail bouncing out the top of her skull. She was wayyyy to interested and involved in the young ass conversation the other girls were having. She was also going to town on what I think was a Jolly Rancher. That made me think of how no one on earth attacks candy like Black folks. Everyone likes candy but yo, Black people LOVE candy. You stand a Black person next to a white person and give them both a Blow Pop. See what happens.
• There was this homeless guy outside of the Market East Station. He was sitting on the ground with a Dunkin’ Donuts cup in hand. He was doing his best Obama impression (aka he was asking for change). That’s not strange in Philly. What was funny was that he was being all belligerent and hostile about it. He’d ask folks for change and when they said no, he’d curse them out! One guy called him a bum and he said, “NO SIR! I BEG YOUR PARDON BUT I AM NOT A BUM! I AM A HOBO. NEXT TIME GET IT RIGHT!” After another guy told him he didn’t have any change, he said, “YOU AIN’T GOT NO CHANGE? WELL WHAT GOOD ARE YOU? YOU’RE A WASTE OF SKIN!” I’m happy to report that when I walked by him, he didn’t even ask for change. He just told me I was a pretty lady. Ha!
• There must have been some sort of early Halloween party or something. I saw about 5 fairies last night. No, I wasn’t hanging out in the Gayborhood spotting trannies. I was near 11th and Arch. They were kind of like Goth Fairies too. It’s October, so I’ll let it pass but just barely. It’s October 12th! Be easy.
• I saw a straight up random ass whooping occur. This was pretty refreshing, actually, because usually people just shoot one another here. A good old street fight was kind of, retro. So I was sitting inside the lil waiting area for the Chinatown bus. That place has huge clear windows looking onto 11th street. Out of NOWHERE and I mean nowhere, these two guys are standing in front of the window. We can hear them faintly because the door to the station is open. One guy is white, shaved head, wearing a black hoodie and fairly large. Not fat and not really buff (hard to tell under the hoodie), but he had some size.  He was carrying a bag that looked like he had just gotten some Chinese takeout. The other guy was Black. He wore a jacket and kind of looked like that guy from the Wire who helped Snoop put those bodies in the abandoned houses. They exchanged very few words. That, I couldn’t hear. It looked like they had just met up and maybe bumped into each other or something. I don’t know. The point I’m trying to convey is that they only spoke briefly before the Black guy got into his fighting stance. Legs spread a little, crouching a little low. The white dude just looked at him a lil bit like “really?” But Black Guy just kept on talking shit. I don’t think he expected White Guy to do anything and was just trying to punk him out. I guess White Guy figured he would give Black Guy what he wanted and he put down his plastic bag of fried rice (or whatev). Black Guy swung and barely landed a punch. White Guy swung and landed a doozie. Next thing I knew, Black Guy was on the ground and getting STOLE. His skull was rocked a number of times. Then, as quickly as it all began, it ended. White dude backed off and picked up his bag. He turned to the window and saw a handful of us sitting in the waiting area and shouted, “I’M FROM SOUTH PHILLY. WHAT!!! FUCKIN’ PUSSY!” He then just walked away. Naturally, my attention turned back to Black Guy who was still on the ground. He looked bewildered! He couldn’t believe what just happened. Now, I was telling this story to a friend last night and he wondered if anybody did anything or if we went to see if Black Guy was alright. Um, no. First of all, the fight wasn’t THAT bad. White Guy rocked Black Guy and just went along his way. He wasn’t trying to bludgeon him to death. Secondly, from where I sat, Black Guy looked like his pride was injured way more than his body was. Finally, Black Guy learned a valuable lesson: Watch your mouth. He thought he was all big and bad and probably thought White Guy wasn’t going to do shit at all. He got a reality check like no other. Kind of like a kid touching a hot stove. Last night might have saved Black Guy’s life. Because in a city like Philly, where people will shoot you because the wind blows, he can’t go underestimating people like that. Maybe next time he’ll think long and hard before trying to start some shit in the street.

Philly so crazy, yall.