On: Divorce & the kids.

I have no concept whatsoever of what it’s like to be a child of divorced parents. I just saw this girl on the show Private Practice crying because she thought her parents were going to get back together. I really can’t understand what that must be like. My parents were never married to begin with. Where I grew up, I can’t recall ANY of my friends’ parents being married. Well, wait, I just thought of one, but that’s it. I can usually empathize with people on a number of things but that one I can’t.

I know it’s harsh, but sometimes I want to be like so what. In situations where your parents both still love you and still want to see you and likely don’t live that far away from one another, why does it hurt so much if they don’t love each other anymore? Maybe it’s not that deep. People love each other and get divorced. Perhaps they can’t get along or someone was cheating. Either way, I can’t understand why kids get so bent out of shape about it. I’m not talking about little kids either, because I can see why they might bug out. I’m talking 12-17 year olds. Hell, even adults bug when their parents break up. Folks end up in therapy for years over their parents’ breakup!

I’m not saying they don’t have a right to be sad or angry. Not at all. I’m just saying I have no frame of reference for that and therefore I cannot empathize or understand where that sadness/anger stems from.

I never wished my parents were together. Clearly they don’t even like each other that much. I just wanted them to be better parents independent of one another. My grandparents were married but ended up being separated. They never got divorced but saw other people. My grandad had a child with another woman. Nobody got bent out of shape. That child, my aunt, is just as much a part of the family as anyone else. It was just understood in my family and neighborhood that relationships don’t always work out. People have kids but don’t get married. Marriages that do happen are not long lasting.

I want to get married. I want to be married once and that’s all, preferably. I don’t think one should rush into divorce, but sometimes I do believe it’s necessary. Yet if I didn’t get married, no one would fuss. I have friends whose parents pester them about when they’re going to get hitched. My family has never ever ever asked me that question. Ever. They could care less I think. I don’t know why I want to get married or why I have these strong ideals set around marriage but I do. Maybe it’s a push in the opposite direction from what I’ve known for so long. I do a lot of things opposite from my family.

Are your parents divorced or together? What’s the big deal about it all?

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4 Comments

Filed under relationships, Routine Ramblings

4 responses to “On: Divorce & the kids.

  1. Jsac

    Well, I am a child of divorce and since the marriage was not a great one (pops was an alcoholic) the seperation was meant to be. However I sensed that my mom regretted, not that she divorced, but that the marriage did not work out. Lost dreams? Intense disappointment? Not sure but as a kid, I could tell that she was sad at times and that affected me too.

    I am going through the same and for my children (6 and 10) it was mostly that they got so used to 2 parents 24/7 that the idea of having only one and not having the one that was totally engaged with them (i.e., me) availible really affected them. Can you say both kids in counseling at various points?

    I think if you are raised and are taught (by example or the church) that this is the way it is supposed to be (marriage forever) then your world takes a hard right turn down a road you thought you or your parents would be going down, you feel unbalanced, out of rhythm, that from now on, something is not right and never will be.

    I guess you have to be in it, and have and accept a certain mindset, to really get it.

  2. @jsac: Appreciate your comment. Like I said, I can’t feel it because I have no point of reference for it. But I can still imagine that it must be difficult to change up your routine like that. See people who ar your models for relationships just split apart. Hope things work out for your kids.

  3. Peyso

    I am a child of a divorced couple. For me the hardest part wasn’t the divorce. Both parents worked and my mom was the parent at our beck and call so when we lived with her it was no different. My dad stayed very active in our lives so we saw him at least 3-4 times a week. And it helped that our grandmothers lived down the block from each other on the other side of town. The hardest part was when my mom went to re-marry. In my eyes I felt that someone was trying to replace my dad and that wasn’t something that I liked. Divorce aint that bad, DOUBLE GIFTS on Christmas and Birthdays

  4. whitraye

    bourgie, i feel similiar to the way you feel. my parents divorced when i was three, so i have no recollection of them actually being “together”. they raised me well, so i may have other issues..lol, but none related to them not being together. i remember being younger and thinking that have your parents living apart was the normal thing and that those other kids must be wierd lol. i know its prob not the best case scenerio, but if theyre happier apart, thats a good thing.

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