Cabbage Patch Kids

After watching the entire “I Love Toys” countdown on VH1, I was inspired to write about Cabbage Patch Kids. The toys were so popular but pretty damn strange if you think about it. I used to get a CPK every year on Easter and maybe another during the year on my birthday or at Christmas. Definitely on Easter though. I don’t know why.

I liked the ones with the comb-able hair, not the yarn heads. They were such great dolls because you could always find a CPK that looked like YOU. They had different hair, skin and eye colors. Straight hair, curly hair. Cute outfits. Boys and girls. Freckles, dimples, whatever! They even came with little birth certificates that told you their birthdate and name. The fact that the dolls came with a “history” made them seem like individuals. I’m not sure how many were made with the same name but it sure did feel like you had a one of a kind baby. You didn’t just buy a CPK, you adopted him/her.

There’s a CPK legend:

One day, a young boy named Xavier Roberts wandered into a magic cabbage patch hidden behind a beautiful waterfall. He discovered busy little Bunnybees sprinkling cabbages with magical crystals. Suddenly, all different kinds of kids and babies peeked out of the cabbages! Each one had his or her own special look, personality, name and birthday. “I’ll call you Cabbage Patch Kids!” he said as everyone cheered.

In the real world Xavier Roberts, an art student used “needle molding” (a German technique for fabric sculpture) to create soft sculpture dolls we now know as CPKs.

I don’t know about this whole babies coming from cabbages junk. Cabbages sprinkled dust from some strange bunny-bee mutant? That’s worse than the stork story. Real talk, my kids gotta know about where babies really come from. I can’t even fix my mouth to say some of that crazy crap.

Then they want you to adopt the babies. I thought that was so cute when I was a kid but now? WTF? There are mad kids who really need adopting. How come adopting is fun and unique when you’re 7 but as adults people turn their noses up at it? You’d think if the CPKs were teaching anything, they’d teach us about how important it is that every kid have a home to go to.

Finally, what was up with the Preemie dolls? CPK Preemies look kind of cute, ya know. Basically they’re the same as other CPKs, they’re just smaller and bald. I have a big problem with that. Look, premature babies can come with all kinds of problems: low birthweight,  cardio-pulmonary problems, and risk for infection. With premature births being a significant medical issue, I don’t think they should be toys. We dont’ have HIV Barbie getting her daily meds or Diabetes Joe checking insulin levels, right?

CPK Preemie

Real Preemie

Another thing I didn’t think about as a girl, but find really creepy now is how Xavier Roberts’ name is tatted on each kids’ butt. Like, okay, so according to legend, Xavier found them in the magical cabbage patch, right? So what did he do next? Did he harvest the babies and brand their asses or was he more humane and took a sharpie to their sensitive baby bottoms? Freaky, right?

Still, you know I’m going to cop some CPKs for my kids and if they don’t want ’em, I’ll play with them myself! This is a toy that I feel will never go out of style. I don’t know why, but I just know that those little CPKs with their funny lil butts and individuality will go on and on. Just not with the preemies, though, I hope.

This is bad enough,

But this is ridic!


Filed under Routine Ramblings, Wayyyy back, What kind of fuckery?

7 responses to “Cabbage Patch Kids

  1. Like 3 years ago,My mom was moving and we were packing up her papers. I found my CPK adoption papers and I can’t believe I named him Mork Fromork and they let me. LOL

  2. My father was a cheap bastard when I was a kid. My mother told him to go out and buy my two sisters and myself a doll each. So we were all psyched about getting our first CPK. Eventually he made his way back from the store and handed us these boxes.

    We all gave him a WTF face, b/c instead of him going to Toys R Us, he went to this mom & pop pharmacy and brought us FAKE CPKs because they were cheaper.

    No stamp on the ass, no birth certificate & to make matters worst, they were white! I think we cried for a couple of days, but my mother finally went out and bought us the real thing.

    But did you also know, they had the giant sized collectible ones? Before he sold out to Colleco..they were the ugliest things and about 22 inch tall…I had a cousin who had about 10 of those. Now on Ebay, they’re going for about $200 a doll.

  3. “How come adopting is fun and unique when you’re 7 but as adults people turn their noses up at it?”
    That’s a great question; I definitely plan on adopting, and I don’t care who turns up their nose.

  4. bubblin' brown shuga

    i never got the point of preemie cpk’s until someone explained how much it helped her daughter who was born prematurely. apparently it helped her understand that she was unique.

    mine was named beverly janice. she came with that name. i guess she was the first supermodel cpk.

  5. So, I am sitting here in my home office working today and I look over at 2 Cabbage Patch Dolls that I have. I am wondering what the value of them might be.

    They are both Cabbage Patch Olympikids from 1996. One is a boy that is fro Basketball and one is a girl that is for Track and Field. Both are in the original boxes and have never been opened. Both of the boxes are a little bit faded from being exposed to the sunlight but all in all both are in EXCELLENT condition and I would like to see about selling them.

  6. Joy

    I always feel bad for toys that are “still in the packages”. They never got played with. What’s the point of being a toy it you never get to be played with?

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