So I saw one of my ex boyfriends this week while visiting in North Carolina. Let’s call him Jordan. Apparently Jordan still has me on his AIM Buddy List and saw my away message that read: “In NC.” He IM’d me and suggested we see each other. At first I was a little hesitant. I was surprised to hear from him and one of the first things I wondered about was all of the other away messages he must have been reading. Second thing I thought about was why he wanted to see me anyway. We did not end well at all and there is no interest on my end to get back together. He said he just wanted to see me and see how I was doing. Fine, okay. Well my friends and I had plans to go bowling so I told him he could stop by the bowling alley. He originally wanted to meet at a “quaint bar” as he put it, but I figured it was best that we were with my friends instead.
He was all cheesing when he saw me, told me I looked good and sounded impressed when I talked about some of the things I have going on for myself right now. It shouldn’t matter, but it felt good that he “approved”. I guess there’s always that feeling of vindication when your ex is clearly still into you and you’re not into them. Even more than that, when they can see that you are better without them. I know for a fact that I am healthier, stronger, better (and thinner, lol) than I was when we were dating and it felt good that he could see it too.
We ended in 2004 after dating for just a year. It was a tumultuous year which found me graduating from college, moving from NC to NYC, starting school, quitting school, moving back to NC and other things. I made a lot of poor decisions at that time and I partly attribute that to my relationship with Jordan. Now, while I can’t totally blame him, I know that things would be very different for me today if I had not met him or if I had not stayed with him as long as I did. I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said he was controlling and emotionally abusive at times. I can really only see that in retrospect. That dude was totally toxic.
So why would I agree to see him? I don’t know. Maybe I was motivated by what I said earlier, that I felt like I had gotten back on the track he helped derail me from and I wanted to show off. I had also kind of started to forget what he looked like so I wanted to see that too. He put on a little weight. I laughed on the inside. To be honest, I’m not sure what really attracted me to him in the first place. I mean, he’s tall and he is a good looking guy but he’s not really my type. Maybe he’s not my type anymore since he helped turn me off from light skinned dudes! (Um, if any litebrites are reading, submit your pics and I’ll def give you a once over before totes denying your application, thanks)
It was clear that there was a lot of shit in the air for me because I started sweating and it had nothing to do with the bowling I was doing. We only talked for about 30-40 min and then he left. My boy told me that he didn’t get a good vibe from Jordan and I was like yeah, I can totally understand that. He’s pretty shady even though he comes off as very nice and sweet in the beginning. I guess that’s how I got roped in to begin with.
I glad I got that over with but I have one real issue with the whole encounter. I’m pissed that he interacted with me as if SOOOO much life changing shit hadn’t transpired between us! I like to think of myself as pretty open here, but I’m not even comfortable talking about it on my blog right now. All I know is, him asking to see me out the blue and just chit chatting about the holidays, school and work was kind of insulting.
In general, I’m friends with exboyfriends. Jordan was an asshole to me so I didn’t care whether we were friends or not. My most immediate ex refuses to speak to me (even though we are in the same room or sitting at the same table when I go to NC) and hasn’t talked to me since we broke up in 2007. Other than them though, I prefer to be cordial and friendly with the guys. Maybe that’s what I was going for with that impromptu reunion earlier this week, cordiality. Maybe closure more than anything. I didn’t get much closure, however, since the real things bothering me didn’t get addressed. But maybe that’s not necessary? I don’t know. I feel like I’m rambling now. My only regret about seeing him this week was that I was in bowling shoes and not my high-heeled boots!