“I’m building memories on things we have not said” – Fiona Apple
While here in JPN, most of my classes have an international focus. When discussing international law and the hierarchy of authorities, treaties are right at the top. They’re like the supreme agreement between States. The thing about treaties, and it’s somewhat obvious, they cannot be unilateral. They have to be an agreement between two or more nations. A unilateral treaty is really just one nation’s forced will upon everyone else. You know, kind of like how Britain did to everyone else in the world with colonialism? After going to class for about a week, all of this international law is floating around in my head.
Couple that with what happened just the other night. Sitting around talking with the ladies, someone said that it was possible to fall in love with somebody all by yourself. Then last night, I fell asleep to the sounds of my iPod on shuffle and Fiona Apple delivering the line quoted above. What does any of that have to do with the other? Probably not much, but in my random-assed mind, it all came together like wow, it’s totally possible to have a unilateral relationship where you’re the only one involved.
Ever kick it with someone and they’re pretty indifferent to everything? They don’t all out reject you, but they never validate the relationship either. The more he or she stays silent and sits on the fence, the more your mind goes crazy. You start filling in the blanks on your own, projecting the feelings you have for that person. Since he or she isn’t telling you that they don’t think about you every night, you don’t necessarily see why they’re not thinking about you every night.
You daydream and put the two of you together in different times and places. Damn, it all sounds so good and fits just right in your head. Soon, it’s almost as if the two of you sat together and talked about those times and places while holding hands or over dinner. You really did just create a memory. Problem is, you did it all by yourself. You’re a freakin love colonialist! You tyrant! LOL, ok, I just laughed at myself for that.
My point is, it sounds obvious right now that one couldn’t have a relationship that was totally one sided. The part that’s not so clear until you don those retrospective lenses is that it was kind of you fault that things were so uneven and one-sided. You were the one who mistook silence for assent. You read between the lines in emails and listened behind the melodies of songs to glean some sort of indication for how he or she felt. The clearest thing, however, was how they stayed on that Switzerland while you were out there making treaties by yourself.OMG. My brain is broken. That made hardly any sense. It stays though.