Jeh-lie. Juh-lie. Jew-lie. However you say it, it’s July. Usually that just means finding a BBQ to crash and staying cool but right now July means the end of June. June really sucked right? Mad people died in June (Carradine, Fawcett, Jackson, Mays, McMahon…). The weather had NY looking like Seattle for something like 20 days straight! Vibe Magazine shut down. Oh, and of course my situation didn’t change. June came and went and left me still unemployed, still trapped with my crazy family, still trying to figure out what’s next. I like the idea of new beginnings though and with it being July 1st, I feel like this is a good time to be optimistic. Now, if nothing turns out right by the 15th, I’m going to be back on my woe is me shit so don’t be surprised. Until then, however, I’m going to try and keep it above board (unless I’m forced into depression by my family, which is not unlikely).
I’m not a religious person whatsoever, but either in a book or on television, I recently heard someone say somthing to the effect of: If you don’t humble yourself God will do it for you. That resonated with me a bit as I try and figure out what went wrong with my life. If I want to make sense out of this path I’m on, I could say that life is trying to humble me and what better way to do so than to drop me right back in the place where I started, where I least want to be. Or I could just be in a lull like a vast majority of people in the world right now and that’s all the “meaning” there is. *Shrug* I dunno, just thought I’d randomly stick that in there.
Speaking of random, I was on the train back from the city the other day and had the iPizzle on shuffle. This joint came on and I remembered how much I love the beat and the way you can barely understand wtf Rich Boy is saying. I miss the South.
Recently, someone told me that I must never have been in love before. Why? Since I couldn’t definitively say whether I had been or not, along with the fact that I don’t like holding hands, he determined that I had never been in love. Maybe he was right. I feel like when you’re in the moment, you feel like you are in love. You look at that person and what the two of you have seems to dwarf the relationships you’ve had before. Prior loves seem like phonies because you’re in the real thing now, right? But what happens when that relationship falls apart? Were you never in love in the first place or were you in love but just couldn’t make it work? That’s weird. That’s why I can’t say for sure whether I’ve been in love because each love (not that there were that many) felt like the only love until it was over. .. except for one. There’s one person I could say I was in love with above and beyond all others still to this day, but I’m not sure if that lingers as a romantic love or the love of an old friend. As far as that hand-holding shit goes… I dont’ think that has boo to do with love. Sure, I might let you hold my hand if you’re totally into it and I love you, but will I like it? No. I just don’t like having my hand all tethered and occupied while doing something as simple as walking down the street. Chill.
Yeah, that was random too.
I sure hope July is better than June.
bourgie, interrupted 
hmm I didn’t know that I was in love until after. I knew I was something but never identified it as love. Then after the fact I laughed bc all the signs were there, so I told him and he said yeah I knew it didn’t need to be said bc I felt it. *Interesting* Anyway all that is to say I never liked the hand holding/1 leg lifted while kissing kinda stuff either. Our love was knowing I only eat the white gummy bears and subsequently throwing all the others away for me lol…everybody is different :-)