whining ahead

Aw man, I’ve gone and got myself depressed again. I know, I get like this every three months or so with the exception of this summer which saw everyday as down & out day. Bear with me, family.

Back in the spring, deciding not to take the bar exam gave me a brief moment of peace. I had been struggling with how to pay for the costly bar-prep courses and support myself while doing so, but when I reminded myself that I didn’t have to take it right away, I felt some pressure dissolve. There’s no time limit on the bar. Sure, you’d probably rather take it sooner or later so that you’re not too far removed from the subject matter, but otherwise take it 10 years later for all anyone cares.

Anyway, like I said, it was only brief relief. Soon after I got back to the States, folks wanted to know if I was a lawyer. I had to explain that I had a law degree but that I was not, in fact, a lawyer. It’s not as easy as you might think to explain how the bar works or how long it takes to study for it, even how much it costs. People were confused. After a while the questions became annoying and something I tried to avoid. Nearly impossible. Even if I am able to dodge questions (“When are you going to take the bar?” “Do you EVER want to practice?” “Why did you go to law school?”), I can’t escape the constant reminder that I have unfinished business out there. Contrary to what some might think I am NOT content with not taking and passing that exam. My addiction to social media is only exacerbating the problem.

Through Twitter, Facebook, Gchat and whatever else, I am privy to the life updates of many of my law school classmates. Without SM, I wouldn’t know what Joe in California was doing or what Sue in Pennsylvania had going on… but I do. And don’t get me  wrong, I like knowing. That’s why I stay logged into FB. Also, let me take this opportunity to say that I am genuinely, sincerely happy for and proud of all of my friends who have come through school with me and passed the bar. As of late, many folks have had their swearing in ceremonies. I just think that is so freaking cool. I remember when we were all taking 1L courses and now these folks are real life,  certified, licensed attorneys! Sweet. Or more like bittersweet because I’m just disappointed in myself that I am not celebrating with them.

So now I’m weighing whether it’s worth it for me to try to take the 2010 exam. Even one of the deans from law school has contacted me like “what’s going on? How come I don’t have you on the list of folks I need to certify for the bar?” Ugh.

DO I want to practice? Does that even matter though, because there are reasons to have that W under your belt even though you don’t plan to practice at all.
Do I want to take the summer off from my part-time Master’s degree program, pushing back that graduation date?Do I want to pay for it? (I can now, by the way).
Do I want to take on the burden, stress and work of studying for this via iPod (yes) after I finish 8 hours at my full-time gig?

I think I do. Knowing the kind of person I am this is only going to eat at me more and more. Why do I do this to myself?

* facepalm *