I was thinking about how helpful my friend was the other night when I was inches away from alcohol poisoning. I also thought about how he doesn’t really have that much experience dealing with drunk friends (at least I don’t think so). So I figured I’d give a few tips on what one should do when entrusted with the care of a shitfaced pal.
1. Take a lesson from the folks in New Orleans and Key West. PREPARE!
In preparing for Gustav and Ike, the good folks of the coastal region know that even though it all looks good (calm before the storm), some shit is about to go down. They buy out the stores, board up their homes and, if they’re smart, they’ll hightail it out of town. You can do the same for you drunk friend. You can totally tell when somebody is heading down the road to DrunkAsFuckTown. This is a good time to start slipping them glasses of water and directing them away from the open bar. If they haven’t threatened to keel over yet, you might even want to take ’em to a diner for some fries. Mmm, fries. Continue reading
Friends, family, brethren and sistren,
Today is a day to rejoice. You can eat watermelon with reckless abandon until your shirt is soaked with sweet red juice …and in front of white people too! If they look at you funny, just take a moment to spit out your seeds and inform them that no, this is not a throwback to porchmonkies and pickaninnies. Today is National Watermelon Day. You’re just doing what good Americans do – celebrate national holidays. Party on.
Me for posting this
Or this woman’s ass for eating her pants?
I thought the entire WORLD was about to implode into her ass. What a way to go.
Earlier in the week, my girl asked me if it was pretentious of her to think it was odd that a box of wine was served at a bridal shower she attended. I told her that yes, it is indeed bourgie to turn your nose up at boxed wine, but that I understood. I mean, WHO does that? I asked a couple of questions to figure out the severity of this bourgie no-no: Was the event outdoors? Apparently, boxed wines are good for outdoor events like picnics and the like. No need to carry a corkscrew. No need to worry about disposing of the glass bottle. She said no. Were they trying to serve a lot of people in an economical way? Again, no. Well in that case, why not just get a few bottles?
I have never, ever had a sip from a box of wine before but I’ve been thinking on this for a little while and did a bit of research. Box wines cost less, keep longer and open easier than your regular glass bottle. They hold more wine than a single bottle, are light and recyclable, are resealable, chill quickly, and won’t break if you drop them. I guess I should probably relax my stance on boxed wines and try out one of the brands below. First, I need to get over my apprehension of even carrying one of those squares up to the freakin’ counter! I’m a DRINKER… I have a reputation to uphold!
ON: Picnics, Parties and Cookouts/BBQs
Listen up. If you’re invited to a picnic or party and you are asked to bring something, please do. Also, remember it is important to bring something that is in proportion to what you intend to gain from the event. For example, don’t show up to a huge cookout with a single solitary six-pack of beer when you’ll probably guzzle 12 AND eat!
Another important lesson about picnics, parties and cookouts is that once you do bring something, you gotta leave it. YOU HAVE TO. No, it doesn’t matter if you brought a bag of chips and it never got opened. That shit goes to the house. You leave it there for the person who threw the get-together in the first place. More than likely, they’ll have so many leftovers that they’ll be forced to have another, albeit smaller, function to which you’ll be invited (if you follow my rules).
I used to date a guy who was notorious for leaving with shit he brought to the party. Hell, he’d even leave with shit he DIDN’T bring. So embarrassing.
Finally, if you arrive to one of these functions early, you have silently assented to helping with the set-up. Go get ice. Move chairs. Put out napkins. Something.
Now, go forth in the world and be proper.
Please feel free to add on…