My Tiger Woods Post

Do you know how there are some people, no matter what they generally do, you just won’t get upset with them? I feel that way about Sean PDiddy Combs. I feel that way about Beyonce. I feel that way about Tiger Woods. For now. There’s no telling how this story is going to develop, and it seems to be developing every 12 hours, but right now I really don’t see what the big honking deal is about Tiger Friggin Woods.

Yes. That man cheated on his wife. Can’t say that I’m surprised and no, it is not right. Let me reiterate, it is not right and I do not condone cheating on your spouse no matter who you are and how much money you have. When it comes to Tiger cheating on his wife and the mother of his children, Elin, I think she and their family should be very upset. Should *I* be very upset? Nope. Disappointed? Why?

Tiger Woods is a celebrity, yes. While I’m not one who looks to celebs and athletes as role models, I understand that many people do. Therefore I expect them to live up to that burden as best they can. But come on, humans are going to fall short EVERY TIME. Why are we so surprised that Tiger Woods has the same kind of vices and failings that most of us battle with on the daily?

I had to shake my head for real when I came across Ta-Nehisi’s blog today. I saw he posted an excerpt from the AP. Apparently, “journalists” say that Black people are pissed that Tiger didn’t cheat with any sistahs. Huh? One of the world’s greatest mysteries is not “why are we here” but “will white people EVER know what Black folks think about anything in the entire universe?” I’m no spokesperson for Black people (though I do have a degree in African-American studies which probably qualifies me for something, if only in my mind), but I’m going to take a stab at it and say that we don’t give a fuck.

When Tiger Woods first burst out onto the national scene, we were like, “yo, that’s a Black dude playing golf. Funky fresh!” (no, we didn’t say that last part). He was brown and his dad was clearly a Black man. His mom was Asian… so what. (See Wesley Snipes. Who’s blacker than him?). Even when he came out with that Cablinasian hulabaloo we still said, “whatever, joe. that fool Black,” and continued to cheer for him. Tiger’s victories were our victories even when we didn’t tune in to the Masters or the Opens. When he married a blonde Swedish nanny we were not surprised. Not because we thought he was some sort of self-hating sellout, but because that’s pretty much expected when you grow up around white folks in a sport dominated by white folks. Plus she’s hot (if you’re into that sort of thing). So I ask you, dear readers, why the hell would ANYONE be surprised that he was cheating with 7, 8, or 9 blonde white broads? What would have been a heart-stopper would be Tiger dipping out on Elin with a Jill Marie Jones, Regina Hall or Malinda Williams type (all beautiful, btw). No wonder new media is taking over if this is what J-schools are cranking out these days. Do better AP. Matter of fact, do better all traditional news outlets.

More on the news… I watch every morning as I get ready for work. I may as well turn to TMZ since that is where Fox5, ABC, CBS, etc get their info from. The news is full of speculation. Like Chris Rock said, they’re just making things up, not reporting what happened! I can’t deal. They were reporting this “story” before it was actually a story. They harassed Tiger to make him give a statement when one wasn’t necessary. They’re exploiting what ought to be a private family matter. Dude is losing endorsements. I could go on about those endorsements, but all I’ll say is that Gatorade, Nike, American Express and whoever else cuts him a check might need to check themselves before they riggidy wreck themselves. If wholesome family man is a requirement for an endorsement, they’ll have to pull out of business altogether.

Look yall, I don’t want to hear that Tiger and Elin had a violent relationship. I don’t want to hear that he hurt her emotionally or any other way. Nor her, him. If those things happened, I want the law to get involved where necessary and for use to be spared the rest. Must I know what Tiger says in nasty voicemails to his sidepieces. God no! Maybe I’m missing something, but why is this newsworthy? Why is this an opportunity to comment on how Black Tiger is? Le sigh.

focusing on healthy relationships

Today is “Taking it to the Streets” day for Strong Start, an organization dedicated to educating young people about healthy relationships and ending teen dating violence. Eleven organizations in Atlanta,, Austin, Boston, Bridgeport, the Bronx, Idaho, Indianapolis, Los Angeles, Oakland, Providence, and Wichita will be helping spread the message about healthy relationships. According to the website, Start Strong is also encouraging people to join the conversation online – “We are asking for your best thinking, your best advice, your best observations to get this country learning about healthy relationships, how to have them, build them, keep them and ensure that violence and abuse are never tolerated.”

It’s great that Start Strong is doing this work and even greater that they’re taking it to the streets today during Domestic Violence Awareness Month to help people see that teen dating violence is truly related to domestic violence overall. A lot of the time we focus on the negative when trying to create awareness by telling people what they should NOT be doing or by showing them how jacked up their lives and relationships are. This campaign builds off of what many advocates know already and what President Obama said in his official National Domestic Violence month proclamation on Oct. 1:

During this month, we rededicate ourselves to breaking the cycle of violence. By providing young people with education about healthy relationships, and by changing attitudes that support violence, we recognize that domestic violence can be prevented. We must build the capacity of our Nation’s victim service providers to reach and serve those in need. We urge community leaders to raise awareness and bring attention to this quiet crisis. Together, we must ensure that, in America, no victim of domestic violence ever struggles alone.

Even amidst all this positivity, I’m kind of saddened. As a soon-to-be 28 year old woman (Nov 1!), I realize that neither I nor many of my peers know how to articulate the characteristics of a healthy relationship. So few of us have seen them or been in them. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll see that this is a true statement. How can we be mentors and teachers to young people starting out? Start Strong’s target audience is 11-14 year old boys and girls. Good, it’s not too early. Clearly we all needed some help learning how to love ourselves and one another in a supportive, encouraging, uplifting and healthy way.  I’m going to keep an eye on this organization and I hope that you do too. Try following Start Strong on Twitter.

Here are ways that YOU can participate ONLINE on October 22nd.  It’s easy and will only take a few minutes of your time:

1. Give Start Strong your relationship feedback. They need to know what you know. Click Here to give your feedback!
2. Post a conversation starter to your Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/yfxr7yl) or Twitter profile. This will have a major impact.
   • For example:
     • (insert name) how do you start strong? Join the conversation http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets
     • (insert name) is on a mission to define a healthy relationship. Join the conversation http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets
     • (insert name) is wondering how do you define a healthy relationship. Tell us how to Start Strong before it ends wrong http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets

do you take this man (and his name)?

After a heads up from Feministing, I learned that the American Sociological Association put out the results of a recent study showing that about 70% of Americans believe that women should take their husband’s last names when they get married and 50% think it should be a legal requirement. Wow. Although I am not one to put too much stock into polls (I, nor anyone close to me has ever been polled about anything remotely significant so I have no idea where they get these people and their opinions), that’s a large percentage for something so traditional and antiquated. And BY LAW? Why?

I am at that age where more and more of my friends are getting married. I’ve noticed a trend among the women to keep their own last names to the complete exclusion of their husband’s or to take their spouse’s name name in addition to theirs (with and without hyphens). That’s not to say that the majority of women in America don’t take their husband’s names, but maybe it’s a generational thing that not too many of my peers feel obligated to take their husband’s name.

One common characteristic of the women who haven’t totally forsaken their own names is that they are extremely ambitious. Maybe they’ve already accomplished a significant amount in their lives and certainly plan to continue doing so. In my opinion, it’s just not fair to assume (or in the case of any legislation, mandate) I will change my name and erase this identity that has existed for 27 or more years. An identity that has been through a lot and accomplished much more. I agree with Jessica at Feministing when she says

What’s really distressing about this news – Laura Hamilton, the study’s lead author says that when respondents were asked why they thought women should change their last names, “they told us that women should lose their own identity when they marry and become a part of the man and his family.”

friendship, interrupted

I was reading an article from Double X by Emily Bazelon about how the recession is wrecking friendships…

Because of the downturn, friendships between two people whose Saturday night spending and overall class status used to calibrate precisely have now turned into trickier relationships between one person who still has money and one person who doesn’t.The rifts between friends created by the recession are a kind of collateral damage.

While I don’t 100% identify with the article, it did make me think of how some of my friendships have changed since my situation has changed. I won’t blame the economy for not staying in touch with friends but I know that since things have been shaky with me on the job front, I’ve intentionally let some friendships slide to the back burner.

You would think that in times of stress, frustration, despair and worry (all feelings one might have when unemployed or otherwise disillusioned), you would surround yourself with people you care about. People who care about you too. You’d want to spend all your time with your pals who can help lift you up, make you laugh and remind you of all the good things in life. Eh, it’s exactly the opposite. While I miss hanging out with my friends and talking to them on the phone or online, I’d just rather not bother. I don’t want to be reminded of the good times because frankly, it just reminds me of the life I used to have. So, I’ve been avoiding folks.

a thought on Tiny & TIP

After dropping T.I. off at the prison, Tiny lays out in the towncar

While watching BET’s Tiny & Toya, I thought to myself, “geez, I hope we don’t spend the rest of the season listening to Tiny whine about T.I. being in jail.” Shortly after having that thought, I started to think about it outside of a reality show context. To me it’s just another “storyline” in a television show I watch occasionally. To her, the head of their family and the love of her life is gone for a year and a day. While she’s trying to maintain a normal life down in Atlanta, GA, T.I. is on ice up in Forest Hills, Arkansas. Normal life might be a bit of a stretch. She’s in front of the cameras on her own reality show. She’s dealing with a father who is steadily losing it due to Alzheimer’s Disease. She’s struggling with resurrecting a singing career. Those things alone would be enough to stress out any one of us. Tiny, though, is shouldering a burden that many women of color carry at some point in their lives… losing a man to prison/jail.

you can’t always go home (a long one)

You can’t always go home. I watched Grosse Pointe Blank all the way through for the first time today and John Cusack said that when he realized his childhood home had been turned into an Ultimart. He was home for his high school reunion (incidentally, I’m on the committee to plan my HS reunion right now) and people were all weird and asking where he’d been. I used to think my reunion would be cool. Now I’m like ugh. I digress…

Who says you can’t always go home? People always say that. Or do they always say you CAN always go home? I don’t know. The former is what I’ve come to realize. This is the most time I’ve spent at “home” since I left at 17. I’ve mostly been away because I was busy. I went to a school 5 states away, sight unseen, without a single soul I knew for miles. After that, I moved around then went to school again, this time closer to home but far enough away to make visiting inconvenient. Then I left the country. Even when I was geographically far from home, that wasn’t the only reason I stayed away. I just didn’t see much of a reason to return. My family is small and not very close-knit. There were no holiday celebrations to return to. No one calling and nagging because I never come visit. There weren’t any cool or interesting things to do in my little city anyway, so why go back? Visits were spaced months apart and mostly lasted for a couple of days.

Now I’ve been here about a month. I think I’m dying inside.
Sure, that sounds like I’m being way overdramatic and maybe I am. I bet my insides are just fine. What I do know, and this is no exaggeration, one of my life goals from here on out will be to never spend a significant amount of time here ever again.

What’s so bad, huh? I guess the problem is two-fold: my family and the city itself.
I have nothing in common with my family other than the fact that we share DNA and we lived together (off and on) for the first 17 years of my life. While that’s a lot and enough to bind most people for a lifetime, I have found that it is not enough for me. You know how they say you can love your family but not like them? Yep, I’m there. I don’t care how much “history” we have together because history is ALL that we have. Let’s examine my family that lives in the area (this is to the exclusion of my father’s side and my family outside of this city):

uncle wit

I had the dumbest conversation a couple days ago. I was sitting here with my uncle and my step-dad (who is only my step-dad because saying “my sister’s father” is so cumbersome) enjoying the night breeze, drinking Guiness and Heineken (my uncle opted for Steel Reserve. SMH), and blowing it down (cuz that’s what the kids are calling it).

Anyway, my step-dad, who has been broken up with my mom for years now, was talking to us about all of his female troubles. He’s a single dad with two girls under 15 in the house, one in college, and two boys who visit every other weekend. He just got out of a relationship with the mother of the boys. They were together for 10 years but had a falling out and he says he’s no longer in love with her. So we’re here, chilling, and he’s telling us about the women he’s been dating.

First, he has a “booty call” (his words, not mine). This woman supposedly knew she was just on booty call status from jump, but ended up catching feelings. He’s toying around with dumping her altogether to eliminate the stress, but still “values” her company. Next there’s the woman he met around town who has a lot of baggage. She has three bad kids, is a white woman with a fetish for Jamaican men (he’s Jamaican), and she’s trying to be all chummy with his daughters. She basically invited herself and her kids over one day, stayed the night and left some shit at the crib so she can keep coming over and picking it up piece by piece. Wow. Finally, there was the woman he met online who he has never met in person. He’s attracted to her and likes her personality but there’s one thing he cannot get over… she’s 5’2.

The step-dad is 6’4 and is adamant about not dating a short woman. After all of the outlandish conversation we three were having, this little piece of information was too much for my uncle to swallow. He basically put the brakes on the whole thing and was like “whoa whoa, when did you get so picky?” See, you gotta understand that my uncle would date anyone. He said straight up that his only two qualifications for a woman are breathing and AIDS-free. So much for standards. I was laughing so much at this part of the conversation that I had to jot down little notes on my cell phone to remember the tidbits of “advice” my uncle was laying down. Some selections:

• Extreme examples. I don’t know why, but my uncle is constantly dealing in extreme examples, which I hate. For example, when telling my step-dad how much he didn’t care about superficial things like height, he said, “I don’t care if a bitch (yep) is 1 inch or 7 billion feet tall. If she fine, I’m gettin’ with her!” Like really? You don’t care if she’s 1inch tall? I guess Thumbelina could be my next auntie then.
• When the step-dad talked about how the sex had gotten wack with his last girl (the boys’ mom) as time went on, my uncle tried to explain that it wasn’t that the sex had gotten worse. It was just that the more you get to know a woman, the less sexy she becomes. To make his point clearer he offered, “How you still gonna be attracted after you know she get shit on her hand after wiping her ass?” To which my step-dad replied, “Nah, nah. Why you even sayin that? Use another example!” My uncle contined to explain that getting to know someone and their habits “changes their sexy.” “It’s like, I don’t even wanna fuck her cuz she don’t say excuse me when she burps! Women just need to try harder to stay sexy cuz when your girl bend over with a thong up her ass, you forget how she took a shit on the floor!”
• Finally, after becoming totally fed up with the fact that the step-dad keeps finding things wrong with perfectly good women (in the uncle’s opinion) my uncle left us with some wise words: “You gotta stop throwin out good bitches. Recycle em. Recyc-Ho. You gotta Recyc-Ho. Otherwise, you throwin out a Rolls Royce just because it gotta dent!”

Yes. This is the family I come from. These are the people responsible for influencing my childhood. It’s a miracle I turned out half as well as I did!

MESSAGE!

I waited a long time to post up anything about this Chris Brown/Rihanna (Robyn Fenty) situation. I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t post anything about it at all on my blog but you know, hard to get away from.

I’ve tried to stay out of conversations because people talking about shit they don’t know about infuriates me to no end. There are so many commonly held misconceptions about the realities of domestic violence that it not only makes me angry, it makes me sad and a little afraid. Therefore I have spoken very little about CB/RF. I’m still not going to go into it because I feel like there’s too much to say as the problem is bigger than those two individuals. Plus I don’t want to make myself upset. So I’m just going to post this recent press release from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Let them make it clear and succinct for you:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Stands With Rihanna:

“She is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against her.”

Washington, DC — When singer Chris Brown reportedly assaulted his girlfriend, fellow singer Rihanna, following an argument on Sunday, February 8th, there was an immediate public outcry of support for Rihanna.

Visibly battered and bruised, Rihanna has joined the ranks of millions of women, becoming part of a horrifying statistic of 1 in 4 women who will be beaten by their intimate partners during their lifetimes.[1]

By Wednesday, February 11^th, however, the tune had changed. With new information alleging that Rihanna had begun the argument herself, public support began to waver. Some implied, and others firmly stated, that because Rihanna may have started the argument, she deserved the subsequent abuse she suffered. Now as stories circulate about the couple’s reunion, support for Rihanna seems to be waning even more.

This is unacceptable.

The idea that someone “deserves” to be beaten is intolerable and appalling. Choosing to use violence in response to conflict—and we emphasize that violence is a choice—is the sole responsibility of the abuser. Regardless of the circumstances or other factors of the situation, violence and abuse is never an acceptable response. Rihanna, or any other victim of violence, is not responsible for the violence perpetrated against them, plain and simple.

Rihanna’s rumored reunion with Chris Brown does not in any way mean she “wants to be abused.” Reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive relationship are more complex than a statement about the victim’s strength of character. For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is one of the most difficult we will ever make. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end.[2] Also, it is extremely common for battered women to return to their abuser multiple times before she leaves for good. Gaining strength, relinquishing hope, or letting go of someone we love is very hard and takes time even when violence is not present. Supporting victims of domestic violence in their process and understanding the dynamics of domestic violence is vital to their success and survival. To learn more about domestic violence, please visit these links:

Domestic Violence Facts
Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?
Men and Domestic Violence

We hope that Rihanna finds the resources she needs to heal and regain her sense of security and self and encourage everyone to support her in her process. We also hope that Chris Brown is held accountable for his actions and receives support to learn alternatives to violence as a way to deal with conflict in his life.

[…]

[1] Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, (2000).

[2] What You Should Know About Domestic Violence. Retrieved March 4, 2009, from http://www.caring-unlimited.org/what-you-should-know.html

Oh, and please quit using “Chris Brown” or any derivative of his name as a euphemism for beating anyone up or the like. It’s stupid and diminishes the gravity of the situation. kthxbye.

Can we talk?

While listening to my roomie’s iPod on shuffle just a little while ago, I immediately I thought of one of my very first boyfriends. Let’s call him Aaron. Quick story: I first met Aaron through his cousin who was one of my best friends. We were all at one of those school concerts in middle school. You know, the ones where the band plays some lame songs and the chorus sings some lame songs all dressed in white tops and dark bottoms? I played the clarinet, by the way. Anyway, my girl (calling her Kira) was there and her family came to see her sing in the chorus. When it was all over we milled about near the school entrance.

I think how it happened was that Kira brought Aaron over to meet our other girlfriend (calling her Nia) who played the flute in the band with me. Standing there next to Nia, I was all googly eyed over Aaron. At that moment, “Can We Talk” started blaring from some nearby car and I thought, oh, this is too crazy right now! It never worked out with Aaron and Nia, not even for a little bit. Aaron and I, however, ended up dating (or “going together” as we preferred to call it) for a little while. After a while we broke up. I think it had something to do with him hanging out with older people and me not having sex with him. Who knows. What I DO know is that he went on to date like two more of Kira’s friends. It was no big deal. He would always ask about me. I’m pretty sure he even tried to marry me after he became Muslim. LOL. We may not have married bliss but we sure do have a song.

It’s such a good fucking song!

Stop judging. Kthxbye.

Does having three children by three different men, none of whom were your husband, make you a “ho”? This is kind of rehashing old news but since folks in the blogosphere are bringing it back up, so will I. Erykah Badu recently gave birth to her third child, a babygirl named Mars. As an unapologetic stan for Badu, I was happy to be receiving the Twitter updates from mom and dad during the birth process. It follows that I was peeved after reading several blogs asserting that Badu was exhibiting ho tendencies and just barely escaping that designation because of her fame. Ugh. Kill me now.

I can’t believe how quick people are to judge. When it comes to women and sexuality, people become unexpectedly puritan in their views, giving very little leeway to women to exercise their freedom of choice when it comes to partners, lifestyle and parenting. Not to be on some “anything you can do, I can do” shit, but we don’t crucify men for fathering children out of wedlock. We merely talk a good game about them.

When news broke that Badu was pregnant by rapper Jay Electronica, talk started floating around about her being preggers yet again. Of course the talk made its way to message boards like Okayplayer which Badu often frequents. In response to all of the negative comments and speculation about her character and choices, Badu responded with the following (excerpted in relevant part):