focusing on healthy relationships

Today is “Taking it to the Streets” day for Strong Start, an organization dedicated to educating young people about healthy relationships and ending teen dating violence. Eleven organizations in Atlanta,, Austin, Boston, Bridgeport, the Bronx, Idaho, Indianapolis, Los Angeles, Oakland, Providence, and Wichita will be helping spread the message about healthy relationships. According to the website, Start Strong is also encouraging people to join the conversation online – “We are asking for your best thinking, your best advice, your best observations to get this country learning about healthy relationships, how to have them, build them, keep them and ensure that violence and abuse are never tolerated.”

It’s great that Start Strong is doing this work and even greater that they’re taking it to the streets today during Domestic Violence Awareness Month to help people see that teen dating violence is truly related to domestic violence overall. A lot of the time we focus on the negative when trying to create awareness by telling people what they should NOT be doing or by showing them how jacked up their lives and relationships are. This campaign builds off of what many advocates know already and what President Obama said in his official National Domestic Violence month proclamation on Oct. 1:

During this month, we rededicate ourselves to breaking the cycle of violence. By providing young people with education about healthy relationships, and by changing attitudes that support violence, we recognize that domestic violence can be prevented. We must build the capacity of our Nation’s victim service providers to reach and serve those in need. We urge community leaders to raise awareness and bring attention to this quiet crisis. Together, we must ensure that, in America, no victim of domestic violence ever struggles alone.

Even amidst all this positivity, I’m kind of saddened. As a soon-to-be 28 year old woman (Nov 1!), I realize that neither I nor many of my peers know how to articulate the characteristics of a healthy relationship. So few of us have seen them or been in them. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll see that this is a true statement. How can we be mentors and teachers to young people starting out? Start Strong’s target audience is 11-14 year old boys and girls. Good, it’s not too early. Clearly we all needed some help learning how to love ourselves and one another in a supportive, encouraging, uplifting and healthy way.  I’m going to keep an eye on this organization and I hope that you do too. Try following Start Strong on Twitter.

Here are ways that YOU can participate ONLINE on October 22nd.  It’s easy and will only take a few minutes of your time:

1. Give Start Strong your relationship feedback. They need to know what you know. Click Here to give your feedback!
2. Post a conversation starter to your Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/yfxr7yl) or Twitter profile. This will have a major impact.
   • For example:
     • (insert name) how do you start strong? Join the conversation http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets
     • (insert name) is on a mission to define a healthy relationship. Join the conversation http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets
     • (insert name) is wondering how do you define a healthy relationship. Tell us how to Start Strong before it ends wrong http://tinyurl.com/tothestreets

DV Awareness: Remember My Name

As posted to the Domestic Violence Awareness: Making Advocacy Accessible Facebook Cause (to which I am a contributor).

As human beings we are blessed with the ability to express ourselves through language and, by extension, the written word. From the beginning of time, words have been used to capture the mundane details of life, identify objects, show the way to hidden places, record history, and foretell the future. There is also power in words where they allow us to share our innermost thoughts, feelings and ideas. Writing let’s us harness our energy, both positive and negative, and our words will bear witness to our lives. While we all have the ability to write ourselves into diaries, essays, blogs, journals, articles and poems, there comes a time when an individual will so accurately capture the essence of a movement with their words. Over a decade ago in 1995, Kimberly A. Collins wrote Remember My Name, a poem that has been used by Domestic Violence Awareness Month [DVAM] observances to memorialize victims that have lost their lives to domestic violence (take a moment to view the names of homicide victims across the U.S.).
For DVAM 2009, we share this poem with you in the hope that through written words we will never forget the names of those lost to domestic violence and that we should all heal through our shared connections and experience. You can read more about the author after the jump below.

Remember My Name

When you remember my walk upon this earth
Look not into my steps with pity.
When you taste the tears of my journey
Notice how they fill my foot prints
Not my spirit
For that remains with me.

My story must be told
Must remain in conscious memory
So my daughters won’t cry my tears
Or follow my tortured legacy.
Lovin’
is a tricky thing
If it doesn’t come
from a healthy place,
If Lovin’
Doesn’t FIRST practice
on self
it will act like a stray bullet
not caring what it hits

You may say:
Maybe I should’ve loved him a little less
Maybe I should’ve loved me a little more,
Maybe I should’ve not believed he’d never hit me again.
All those maybes will not bring me back – not right his wrong.
My life was not his to take.

As your eyes glance my name
Understand once I breathed
Walked
Loved
just like you.
I wish for all who glance my name
To know love turned fear – kept me there
Loved twisted to fear,
Kept me in a chokehold
Cut off my air
Blurred my vision
I couldn’t see how to break free.

I shoulda, told my family
I shoulda told my friends
I shoulda got that CPO
Before the police let him go
But all those shoulda’s can’t bring me back
when I lied so well
To cover the shame
To hide the signs.

If my death had to show
what love isn’t
If my death had to show
that love shouldn’t hurt
If my death had to make sure
another woman told a friend
instead of holding it in
If my death reminds you
how beautiful
how worthy
you really are
If my death reminds you
to honor all you are
daily
Then remember my name
Shout it
from the center of your soul
Wake me
in my grave
Let ME know
My LIVING was not in vain.

Copyright 1995 Kimberly A. Collins, Washington, D.C., reprinted with permission.

Spotlight: SaltPepperGarlic

SaltPepperGarlic is a nonprofit catering company run by a sister/brother team, Jasmine & Nathaniel Baker, to raise funds to cover Nathaniel’s tuition at the Culinary Institute of America.  Like many other families, the Bakers are struggling in this economy and have had to get creative to fund their education. According to their FB site, Nathaniel is the #1 junior chef in Delaware, and #14 in the country! This man wants to cook and deserves that CIA education!

I stumbled upon SaltPepperGarlic via a Facebook pal’s profile. Working on my second post-grad degree, I know all about trying to pay for school. I’m also from Poughkeepsie, NY and the Culinary Institute (although in Hyde Park) is part of my neighborhood, about 15 min from where I grew up. I know it’s a great place to go to school.

It’s great that this family has come together with a unique idea – Utilize Nathaniel’s talent. Cater some corporate lunches and other meals. Use the money to pay for the semester. The goal is to raise at least $2,500 to start the semester on September 29th and then to raise up to an additional $8,500 for the remainder of the semester.

When I start working at my new gig, I’m going to suggest that we order lunches from SaltPepperGarlic. For those of you who currently work in the NYC area, check out the menu of soul food favorites. You and your coworkers have got to eat anyway, right? At present, the Bakers are focused on office lunches in Manhattan & Brooklyn from 12pm – 6pm. If you’d like to arrange something outside of that time/location, contact them (spg.catering@gmail.com) and see what you can work out.

DV Awareness: Start with YOUR Constituency

As posted on the Domestic Violence Awareness: Making Advocacy Accessible Facebook Cause (to which I am a contributor).

Start with YOUR Constituency

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is commonly known among advocates and allies who work to eliminate violence in relationships and families. Unfortunately, it may not be as well known among the general public. Many an advocate has spent hours creating a well designed, well planned public awareness event for October, only to find themselves “singing to the choir” or speaking to their existing constituency.

Raising awareness among people who do not know much about domestic violence is challenging but not impossible. The issue is getting them to the table. A good place to start is with your existing constituency – family members, friends, co-workers, social networking groups, your faith-based or spiritual community – and using them as a conduit to reach more people.

Listed below are some ideas to branch out and help more people understand and care about domestic violence during October and through the year.

Guest Post: Maia’s Descent Is No Laughing Matter

I’m late getting this post up due to my long Labor Day weekend without computer access but last week, actress Maia Campbell’s name lit up the Twitterverse. Where the majority of people were quick to barbecue Campbell and speculate on her behavior (drugs, mental illness, etc) I tried to stay on the periphery and avoid making light of what could be a serious situation. Additionally, I find little comedy in actual drug addiction. Therefore, I was glad that my good friend D.L. Chandler (twitter: @dlc123) was able to put into words what I couldn’t/wouldn’t express. I considered not posting this because the buzz around Campbell has died down but whatever she’s dealing with is not over and the message in D.L.’s post remains relevant.

Maia’s Descent Is No Laughing Matter – D.L. Chandler

Like many young men in the 1990s, I found actress Maia Campbell to be one of the more attractive young black starlets on television. Early on, I discovered that she hailed from the Greater Washington Metropolitan area just as I did and that factoid endeared me to her as well. Of late Maia Campbell has fallen out of the public eye, and has been unfairly ridiculed by her poor life choices fueled by her bout with Schizophrenia. The daughter of late bestselling author Bebe Moore Campbell, Maia found fame on the LL Cool J vehicle In The House. For 3 seasons, the show enjoyed some mild success and Maia Campbell was a prominent fixture of the sitcom. Once the show ended, Maia worked bit parts in television and small movies, but nothing more.

I am not going to play reporter here and try to guess what happened beyond that point. What I do know is that in the last three years, nude photos of an obviously inebriated Campbell and a very recent video of the actress has appeared on the Internet. The gossip blogs, Twitter, message boards and news outlets (such as The Examiner) have all had their say to the inner workings of Ms. Campbell’s fall. We don’t know what’s leading her down this path nor do we know if she’s ever had adequate help – at least as far as what’s been released publicly. However, what is quite telling is how much of my Twitter feed was filled with hurtful jokes about her condition. The blogs and their comment fields were also filled with the same insensitive and lame commentary found in the linked Examiner piece above.

See & Say

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words but I feel like a picture of just a few words can say as much or more. That’s why back in my Philly apartment, I framed some passages, phrases, quotes, etc that resonated with me in one way or another. I’m also obsessed with those WallWords where you can get a stock quote or create your own and apply it to your wall like a big sticker. I’d rather the words be the picture.

That’s why I love browsing the I Can Read blog. They post up images with words/images made of words. Inspirational, sad, romantic, whatever. I can’t pick a favorite, but I can share some I like a lot.

my thoughts exactly

When you don’t have a job, you tend to spend hours online looking for work and after that you spend more hours Googling random crap or wasting away on social networking sites. One of my fave finds from those late night internet binges are blogs written by law grads who have either taken and failed the bar or have never elected to take it in the first place. Some of the blogs focus on gearing back up to take the bar while others talk about the gift and the curse of possessing a juris doctorate. As I am one of those law grads without a license to practice, I am amused to no end by the stories. More than anything, I think I like the fact that others out there have gone through similar things. It’s something how when life’s got you in a tight spot you think this has only ever happened to you. How selfish and small huh? In a way, these blogs are like my support group, except instead of standing up and saying Hi, My name is Kia and I have a JD (Hi, Kia!), I can click and read from the comfort of my own home aunt’s apartment.

One of my recent finds is Waitress, JD.  Unfortunately for me many of these blogs haven’t been updated in quite some time. Hmm, wait. Maybe I should look at that as a good thing for me. They’re not updating because they finally passed the bar or they finally got that job they were looking for. They spilled all their dissatisfaction, dissapointment, confusion, angst, and pride onto blogger or wordpress then they moved on. Maybe I’m on to something here? Ok, back to Waitress, JD. Apparently she failed the Colorado bar then spent some 7 months looking for work while returning to waiting tables. Eventually she did some paralegal stuff while preparing to tackle the bar again, which she passed. :) I used to wait tables and I’ve only been riding the unemployment train for two months but I feel like I can identify with Mrs. Waitress. Peep this entry after the jump in which she took the words right out of my mouth. 

Spotlight: StopNReflect

LOL @ this blog StopNReflect. I remember last summer when I was working downtown in Philly I was taking all kinds of covert camera phone pictures of fashion failures. Folks were getting on me saying it was mean and whatnot but damn they came out like that! Now I’ve found a kindred spirit whose camphone captures folks who should have stopped and reflected on what they were doing before leaving the crib… or at the very least should stop and look at their reflection between closet and the streets of NYC. Apparently the blog author is a law student so I wonder what that says about people in our profession? Hmm…

Some personal WTF faves below but be sure to check the site yourself.

 

Tights

Less than a week in Tokyo and one thing I’ve observed is that females here LOVE to rock tights. Patterened tights, colored tights, whatever. I guess it allows them to wear those super short skirts in the winter. I know I love tights.  They can brighten up your wardrobe and help transition your wardrobe between seasons. Seeing all these tights made me think of a blog post my boy KH posted over at his blog Pulled from the Water. Check out this excerpt and then check out his spot when you get a chance. Funny dude.

SHIT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE IN 2009!

1. TIGHTS- Look sweetie . . . I understand that you need something to keep ya legs warm under ya long ass shirt cute lil freak ‘um dress or whatever you wanna call it . . . but seriously . . . no . . . look at me when I’m typing at you! SERIOUSLY-Tights are not jeans! Okay . . . once or twice every two weeks is cool . . . But if you got on tights in every nightlife flick you took for the last month . . . and had them on more than three times last week when went out the house – hang urself! –

I’m even going to give you instructions on how to hang urself . . .

all you need to do is:

1. take some of them tights – the ones you wear the most – yea the ones you think are jeans – yea they prolly not shiny no more like they supposed to be . . . yea dem ones!
2. tie them around the ceiling fan . . . if you a short join and can’t reach the fan, make the tights into a lasso like a cowboy . . . you make an outfit out of them, so I know you can make a lasso out of ‘em.
3. climb in a chair – the same way you climbed on this dick in the bed after ya nasty ass took off them tights you was wearing as jeans all last week to all the New Year’s Parties . . .
4. tie the tights around ur neck – don’t make any funny faces when you put those nasty ass tights on neither. Yea . . . they stink . . . I know they do . . . unless you washed the tights ten times last week . . . I see why Beyonce said a “Diva is the female version of a hustler” because y’all rock these tights the same way West Philly niggas used to rock Dickie suits . . . every god-damn day! – Triflin tricks!
5. jump out the chair – as much as y’all wear these damn tights I know they won’t tear! And if they do . . . the mission is accomplished YA DIRTY ASS CAN’T WEAR THOSE F’N TIGHTS ANYMORE!

As much as I like seeing y’all no panty wearing – booty like Judy- flusies rock them tights (but only in the house) PLEASE LET THEM DIE FOR 2009!

Whew. Sure am glad that I don’t over-rock my tights. BTW ladies, you CAN wash them jawns!

Spotlight: the heartbroke daily

I’m not just here to toot my own blog horn. I’m here to put you good people up on to some other good people out there with computers. Enter the heartbroke daily, a literary blog in which a serial lover named Knox Dupree relates the story of a different woman who broke his heart. Every day. Although a fictional character, Knox chronicles his “persistent lovesickness” with the hope that his escapades will shed some light on the “perplexing condition of humanity.”  Here’s one entry that I think illustrates the sad and funny nature of not only Knox Dupree’s life, but of Love itself.