I have magical powers

At least some cultures would believe that I can do more than the rest of you mere mortals. Why? Because I have a Preauricular Sinus. WTF, you say? In laymen’s terms I have a hole in my ear. No, silly. Not the hole that you stuff with cotton-tipped sticks to nearly assault your eardrum. No, not the hole you got after letting someone with a high school education approach your head with a pressurized “gun.” It’s a benign congenital malformation.

Basically, just a tiny little hole that you can miss if you’re not looking right at the spot where the top of my ear meets my head. Preauricular Sinus.

This thing serves absolutely no purpose. It’s just a genetic thing. I’ve noticed one on my mom. I noticed one on my boy just this weekend. Truthfully, sometimes the darn thing itches. Still, I’m better off than some folks with holes in their ears. Preauricular Sinuses can become infected and cause pain all the way down to your jaw. Ouch.

Dirty Dancing

I’d like to introduce to you The Official Twerkteam if you haven’t already made their acquaintance. See for yourself, NSFW. In advance, I’m all kinds of sorry to even be posting it, but you won’t know what I’m talking about unless you’ve seen it. I feel like I’m contributing to the madness a lil bit, but hell, they already got over 18,000 subscribers and 770,000 channel views. This one was a random choice from their 29 vids:

Child Abuse

I wonder when we’re going to start holding people accountable for child abuse for shit like this:

I’m not a skinny person but I really think we need to quit making excuses and accommodations for obese people. There’s a hefty amount of responsibility that goes into being that large. For kids, however, they don’t have the presence of mind, maturity or ability to control themselves when presented with all kinds of treats and fatty foods. It’s clearly ALL on the parents. Surely a five year old child can’t be held responsible for being over 200lbs. I’m a 27 year old woman and I’m not even 200lbs! If you were a parent who did drugs or alcohol while pregnant, you’d be vilified for harming your child’s health and future life prospects. You cannot tell me that this child’s parents have not harmed her (is that a her?) health and future.

I would fucking kill my mom. When I got 7 years old (and presumably another 100lbs larger) I’d sit on her chest while she slept.

Am I wrong?

Dear LIT,

I hate you. I think you’re the worst drink ever. Before last night, I hadn’t drank a Long Island Iced Tea in years. Really, I think I had my last one in Chapel Hill around 2004. You know what happened? I was at a bar called The Library and they were charging a lot for top shelf liquor. So I said “fine” and let them make me a LIT with Well liquor. FAIL. My boy ended up holding my purse while I yakked up my guts in an alley on Franklin Street. That was also the same night I almost vomited on a cop’s shoes, but that’s another tale, isn’t it?

Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, sour mix and a splash of coke. It really doesn’t taste that good and you’re likely to get shit-faced pretty quickly. I guess that’s what some people want, but I don’t know. The LIT screams immature drinker to me. I see someone order that and I immediately judge. Clearly they just don’t know what else to drink because if they had any bar knowledge whatsoever, they’d choose something way better. I put LIT orderers in the same box as people who still drink Amaretto Sours nonstop. Now, I can make a little room for people who just like those drinks a lot. I have a friend whose go to drink is the LIT. I wouldn’t say he’s 100% lame, but I will say that I don’t fully respect his drinking game.

Last night, I stopped to get a drink before going to catch a movie. I ordered a dirty martini, my boy ordered a LIT. He finished it and ordered another, but realized that he was already feeling some kind of way from the first one so he passed me the LIT to finish. Normally, I’d say no. But since it was my birthday, you kind of have to drink poured liquor. Besides, I was way more sober than I’ve ever been on my bday, so I drank it. Chugged it actually. I was trying to make a movie! I should note that homegirl who made the drink FILLED the glass up with liquor, leaving only about an inch of space in the glass for the sour mix and coke.

Let me tell you how that shit was disgusting. I can’t remember why I EVER drank that shit other than the fact that freshman year (when I drank them quite often), I didn’t know better. Didn’t know what ELSE to drink. Ugh. It was hella nasty. Anyway, here’s the tragedy – Seeing as I only ate one meal that day and was still exhausted from my Halloween partying, that martini and LIT hit my like a ton of bricks. Long story short, I had to pull the car over and regurgitate out of the door. Sexy, right? I fucking hate Long Island Iced Teas.

Now that my system is free of LIT residue, a few bullets about the wknd:

I’m Never Drinking Again

Sike. I hate when people say that. Unless you’re an alcoholic, there’s no reason to go so far and proclaim abstinence from liquor altogether!

But I’ll be damned if I sure didn’t feel like that today. I had the worst hangover of my LIFE. I am still recovering. I won’t go into the whole story because it’s scary and at one point kind of disgusting. I’m just glad I’m okay and that I had a good friend to look out for me. Too bad the weather was so nice today (yesterday at this point) because I was stuck in bed the entire time. By midnight I was finally able to keep some food down. Thanks Alka-Seltzer.

Oh, and in case you ever wondered, you can indeed vomit through your nose.

:(

Crashing Rights – “The Conscience Exception”

Americans tend to take their rights pretty seriously. Right to free speech, assembly, bearing arms, voting, privacy, religion, etc; we love that shit. People from all walks of life and every belief on the spectrum clings to one or many of those rights at some point in time. What happens, though, when my right to do something comes up against your right to do something? Who’s holding the big joker?

This may have slipped under your radar, depending on how up on public policy you are, but the US Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) is proposing new regulations which basically says medical professionals/facilities receiving Federal funds do not have to perform abortions or like procedures if those acts would conflict with the professional’s/facility’s religious or moral belief.

Alright, well depending on where you stand this might not sound so bad. I can see why someone would think this was a good idea. If I were a conservative person or practiced a religion that taught me abortions were dead wrong, well then I would support the regulation. Perhaps instead of going to law school I wanted to be an Obstetrician (I really did consider this path once in my life, Ob-Gyn). I should be able to choose the kind of job I want without being forced to do things that go against my personal convictions, right?

Where’s PETA with their red paint?

First, let me say that I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals but I do not condone some activists throwing paint on someone’s fur coat. That does NOT get your message across and will only guarantee an ass whooping gift wrapped from me to you (although I would not wear a fur coat to begin with).

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, pop open a figurative can of paint for this damned doggie bag.
Thanks to Clutch via Kanye’s blog, I peeped the Louis Vuitton Dog Bag.

I get how this is supposed to be funny and/or irreverant. People carry their dogbabies in designer purses all the time. Why not just carry the dog as the purse? What I don’t understand is why the damned dog is so ugly? Aren’t the lap dogs usually cutesy lil’ thangs? This bag looks disgusting because it reminds me of a taxidermy/stuffed dog. Yuks. The idea of a zipper down its back in which you stuff your lipgloss, iPhone and condoms (better do it!) is kind of sick. WTF are those eyes made of? I’d have trouble shaking the feeling that they were staring into my soul. *shudders* Not to mention that I think the monogram bags are kind of over anyway.

Are you rocking this? Will it scare your dog? Can you carry a dog in your dog? What will children think?

Fashion… I swear.

spotted on the subway

Posting this from my phone because I didn’t want to forget about it. Well, I DO want to forget about it because I’m disgusted, but not before I share with you all.
On the subway today (southbound broad street line), I’m minding my business. Car is packed so I’m pretty much lucky to have a seat, or so I thought, until I noticed the guy directly perpendicular to me.
First, he stood up and took off his shirt. Then, he adjusted his belt. Put his shirt back on. Sat down. Cleared his throat LOUDLY several times. Takes a plastic bag out of thin air and opens the carton of ice cream inside. Bedins spooning MASSIVE quantities of vanilla bean into his mouth. Big ass scoops. Stops midway and reaches into his back pocket for a comb. Combs his hair, in my direction, for at least 20 strokes. Puts comb away and resumes ice cream eating. Finished ice cream and reaches back into magic plastic bag for what first appeared to be a snack pack of Cheeze-Its, but wasn’t. He pulled out rolling papers. Now, I’ve seen a negro straight up gut a blunt and roll a fat ass L on the train before. I was hoping this grown ass man (looked about 43-48) wasn’t about to do the same. Well he didn’t, he proceeded to roll his own tobacco cigarette.
Damn! Is there anything people won’t do on the sub while sandwiched between other people who would like a pleasant and uneventful ride?
I had to hold my breath mad times. I don’t know about you, but I cease all breathing when someone who has the potential for stankass is near. This dude removed his shirt! He combed nis nasty hair! Ew.
Lord, save me from public transpo!!!

Happy Saturday!!