uncle wit

I had the dumbest conversation a couple days ago. I was sitting here with my uncle and my step-dad (who is only my step-dad because saying “my sister’s father” is so cumbersome) enjoying the night breeze, drinking Guiness and Heineken (my uncle opted for Steel Reserve. SMH), and blowing it down (cuz that’s what the kids are calling it).

Anyway, my step-dad, who has been broken up with my mom for years now, was talking to us about all of his female troubles. He’s a single dad with two girls under 15 in the house, one in college, and two boys who visit every other weekend. He just got out of a relationship with the mother of the boys. They were together for 10 years but had a falling out and he says he’s no longer in love with her. So we’re here, chilling, and he’s telling us about the women he’s been dating.

First, he has a “booty call” (his words, not mine). This woman supposedly knew she was just on booty call status from jump, but ended up catching feelings. He’s toying around with dumping her altogether to eliminate the stress, but still “values” her company. Next there’s the woman he met around town who has a lot of baggage. She has three bad kids, is a white woman with a fetish for Jamaican men (he’s Jamaican), and she’s trying to be all chummy with his daughters. She basically invited herself and her kids over one day, stayed the night and left some shit at the crib so she can keep coming over and picking it up piece by piece. Wow. Finally, there was the woman he met online who he has never met in person. He’s attracted to her and likes her personality but there’s one thing he cannot get over… she’s 5’2.

The step-dad is 6’4 and is adamant about not dating a short woman. After all of the outlandish conversation we three were having, this little piece of information was too much for my uncle to swallow. He basically put the brakes on the whole thing and was like “whoa whoa, when did you get so picky?” See, you gotta understand that my uncle would date anyone. He said straight up that his only two qualifications for a woman are breathing and AIDS-free. So much for standards. I was laughing so much at this part of the conversation that I had to jot down little notes on my cell phone to remember the tidbits of “advice” my uncle was laying down. Some selections:

• Extreme examples. I don’t know why, but my uncle is constantly dealing in extreme examples, which I hate. For example, when telling my step-dad how much he didn’t care about superficial things like height, he said, “I don’t care if a bitch (yep) is 1 inch or 7 billion feet tall. If she fine, I’m gettin’ with her!” Like really? You don’t care if she’s 1inch tall? I guess Thumbelina could be my next auntie then.
• When the step-dad talked about how the sex had gotten wack with his last girl (the boys’ mom) as time went on, my uncle tried to explain that it wasn’t that the sex had gotten worse. It was just that the more you get to know a woman, the less sexy she becomes. To make his point clearer he offered, “How you still gonna be attracted after you know she get shit on her hand after wiping her ass?” To which my step-dad replied, “Nah, nah. Why you even sayin that? Use another example!” My uncle contined to explain that getting to know someone and their habits “changes their sexy.” “It’s like, I don’t even wanna fuck her cuz she don’t say excuse me when she burps! Women just need to try harder to stay sexy cuz when your girl bend over with a thong up her ass, you forget how she took a shit on the floor!”
• Finally, after becoming totally fed up with the fact that the step-dad keeps finding things wrong with perfectly good women (in the uncle’s opinion) my uncle left us with some wise words: “You gotta stop throwin out good bitches. Recycle em. Recyc-Ho. You gotta Recyc-Ho. Otherwise, you throwin out a Rolls Royce just because it gotta dent!”

Yes. This is the family I come from. These are the people responsible for influencing my childhood. It’s a miracle I turned out half as well as I did!

I don’t have anything against tattoos

But really, you’ve just made a decision that will likely snuff out any hope of a future, girlie.

Photo: Crunk & Disorderly

I have a tattoo on my lower back (womp womp, “tramp stamp” whatever) that I got when I was a freshman in college. It’s just my name and some other shit around it so nothing too bad. Still, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have gotten it. Not because I have anything against tats, I just would have gotten something better. It really is hard to decide what you want to have permanently etched into your skin.

People say tats are addictive. I’ve only had one for about ten years and although I do want another, I’m being super picky about what to get. As one should. I’m sure homegirl in the pic had friends who told her that was going to be a hot tattoo. But word to the wise, don’t get a tat as a message to the proverbial haters out there. That’s dumb. I mean really… is she going to rock mocknecks her entire life?

I know a few people with questionable tattoos which make me think (however wrong I may be) that they won’t go very far in life. Like if you have a tat that says “Murderer” on the side of you neck, you’re likely limited to the following careers: Athlete, rapper, mover, reformed gang counselor, garbage man, dishwasher, or… MURDERER. Maybe I’m wrong. I just know that I’m not going to visit Dr. ____ if he/she has Murderer peeking out from under that white coat, ya dig?

AYDMF: The stupidity continues

Remember this dumb guy who got himself impaled on an iron fence while trying to run from the Philadelphia Police? His momma was all on the news talking about police brutality, claiming it was the officers’ fault that her son got stuck on the fence. She also claimed that her son was a good kid and that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just scared. Yeahhhhh. Listen mom, there still might be time to retract those statements.

This fool, Tony Burrell, is currently being held on a 5 MILLION Dollar bond for attempting to shoot two police officers. This unlucky bastard, while running from the cops, fired at one and tried to fire at another when his .45 caliber glock jammed. Ha!

What’s pretty hilarious is that the officers are being praised for their restraint and for not shooting back. Sure, they didn’t pop a cap in his ass, but I’m pretty sure they beat him something terrible. Cops don’t really like being shot at and we all know the street rule right: If you pull a gun on somebody you better kill them. I’d bet my good dancing foot that the entire Philly PD turned a blind eye to the whooping that boy got.

What was that boy’s momma talking about anyway? Good kid? Police said Burrell has 17 prior arrests dating back to when he was 13-years-old! I don’t think he’s coming home anytime soon, though. Back when he was stuck on that fence, he got out on $500 bail.  Mommy dearest can’t even put up her house to meet the new $5 million bail. News reports say Burrell may face a mandatory 20-year sentence under a new law targeting suspects who fire on police. Like five cops have been killed this year in Philly. For sure homeboy is a goner.

What kind of idiot tries to shoot at the cops and has his gun jam? The same kind of idiot who crashes his ATV into a police car, runs and lands on an iron spike.

AYDMF!

Source: Fox News Philadelphia

Anything but the laptop!

As I get ready to spend my weekend taking an exam (for which 72 hours are allotted) in professional responsibility/legal ethics, I can’t help but laugh and identify with the law student in the following story. Courtesy of the ABA Journal –

Surprised to find an intruder with a softball bat demanding his wallet when he awakened one night earlier this month at his Tempe, Ariz., apartment, 23-year-old Alex Botsios reportedly did his best to find his money.

But when the intruder tried to take the laptop computer containing all of Botsios’ work as a first-year law student at Arizona State University, Botsios protested … and then decided to make a fight of it, according to the Dallas Morning News Crime Blog.

“I was like, ‘Dude, no—please, no!’ ” Botsios tells KPHO 5, a local CBS affiliate in Arizona. “I have all my case notes … that’s four months of work!”

Botsios, who hails from Keller, Texas, says he was initially frightened, but rushed the intruder and eventually realized he was armed only with the bat, the newspaper blog reports.

The alleged intruder was Gabriel Saucedo, 23, who was overpowered by the angry law student.

Saucedo needed stitches before he was charged with armed robbery and kidnapping, reports KPHO. “Other than a bruised knuckle and a few scratches, Botsios was unharmed.”

Sometimes it really feels that serious. You could work around money. You could even get another laptop. But those notes… all of that work? Man, I’d be depressed for sure. You can’t make up for that. You can’t go back and it doesn’t even help if you get someone else’s notes. All the work that I did 1L year just lost? I guess if he felt like he could take the guy, more power to him.

Pretty silly thief to ROB someone’s HOME armed with nothing but a baseball bat.

Dirty Dancing

I’d like to introduce to you The Official Twerkteam if you haven’t already made their acquaintance. See for yourself, NSFW. In advance, I’m all kinds of sorry to even be posting it, but you won’t know what I’m talking about unless you’ve seen it. I feel like I’m contributing to the madness a lil bit, but hell, they already got over 18,000 subscribers and 770,000 channel views. This one was a random choice from their 29 vids:

Child Abuse

I wonder when we’re going to start holding people accountable for child abuse for shit like this:

I’m not a skinny person but I really think we need to quit making excuses and accommodations for obese people. There’s a hefty amount of responsibility that goes into being that large. For kids, however, they don’t have the presence of mind, maturity or ability to control themselves when presented with all kinds of treats and fatty foods. It’s clearly ALL on the parents. Surely a five year old child can’t be held responsible for being over 200lbs. I’m a 27 year old woman and I’m not even 200lbs! If you were a parent who did drugs or alcohol while pregnant, you’d be vilified for harming your child’s health and future life prospects. You cannot tell me that this child’s parents have not harmed her (is that a her?) health and future.

I would fucking kill my mom. When I got 7 years old (and presumably another 100lbs larger) I’d sit on her chest while she slept.

Am I wrong?

Harvard-Schmarvard

Swiped from the ABA Journal, idiot in search of “simpler life” burns his degree from Harvard Law School:

“Jack,” a Washington, D.C., a 30-something lawyer who announced on his blog in June that he is giving up his $300,000-plus annual salary and opting for a simpler life.

In Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity, Jack blogs about his excesses and exit strategies. Then on Oct. 27, he took a key symbolic step in that direction. He burned his Harvard law degree and posted a video on YouTube for all the world to bear witness.

“I’ve been thinking about doing this, in one way or another, for a while now. But I was never really sure if I would be doing it for the right reasons. Not to mention how silly it sounded whenever I brought it up to people. But this weekend it all came together: the weather was beautiful, the trails were inviting and freedom seemed just around the corner. So I went for it,” Jack writes.

“This is NOT a knock against Harvard. Or a calculated criticism of legal education. Or even a rejection of elitism, per se. Sometimes you just need to say goodbye to your past in order to move forward.”

In the end, he concludes, “it was just a piece of paper.”

That’s some privilege for you… burning up your degree means nothing. “Just a piece of paper,” is right. Nobody ever asks to SEE your degree. They can care less. It’s basically a big piece of vanity. A pat on your back. Mine hangs in my living room. When I get my JD, I’m sure I’ll put it in my office but that’s not necessary. If “Jack” ever wants to get another $300,000 gig, all he has to do is turn in his resume with Harvard, send in a transcript from Harvard or even say “Harvard” and he’s back. This is like Bill Gates burning $100,000. So the fuck what?

Rest assured, however, that I will NOT be burning my shit. All the blood, sweat and tears (literally. that’s not just a cliche) I put into these past three years will go into a nice little frame so everyone can see it and I can pat myself on the back.

Bridget Jones, grow a pair.

I’m watching Bridget Jones Edge of Reason and it sucks bawlz. Who liked this movie? Why did Rene Zellweger get chubbo TWICE to play this knuckleheaded chick? It was probably the reported 3.2 million dollar bonus on top of the 15 million for the movie itself, but that’s beside the point.

She’s sooooo annoying. The writers of this flick are trying to convince me that insecurity is endearing. It’s not. They also want me to think that this woman, who finds value in her life only when there’s a man involved, is cute. No. She’s so tragic.

THe only reason I’m still watching is because I haven’t motivated my ass to move from the sofa to my bed. IF anything, this is a cautionary tale on how not to act. I’ve certainly learned something. Watching Bridget get up from bed wrapped in a sheet after a night of sex simply because she didn’t want her boyfriend to see her “wobbly bits” was painful. I wanted to give her one of those shoulda had a V8 knocks on the head. It also reminded me that 9/10, if he wanted to screw you all night, he ain’t really thinking about your wobbly bits in the morning. He more than likely was all about those bits when yall was bumpin and grindin.

Cocoon of self-pity and ice cream

Then she proceeds to sabotage the relationship she lives and breathes for (a six week relationship, btw) by letting her insecurities get in the way. Listen, if you keep telling a man about all of the reasons he shouldn’t be with you, he might start to listen.

To top it all off, I just generally dislike Rene in anything. In this shit, in that shit with Tom Cruise and as herself in real life.

This movie blows. I do not want to see a lonely, crying, self-deprecating, co-dependent white broad boo-hooing after some mediocre English guy.
To all the people who paid to see it, read the books and (oh God) bought the DVD: GET HELP NOW. I’m turning it off.

Dear Guy Dressed in Really Big Clothing,

You look stupid.

Let me preface this with some background. On the bus last night, I saw a dude who was wearing the biggest “shirt” I’ve ever seen in my entire 26.9 years on this planet. This shirt was so huge he could have, and probably did at some point, tripped on it. There was nothing attractive about that outfit at all. It had to be a 10XL and that’s a modest estimation. The arm holes alone could have made a loose skirt for a big-hipped woman! Where the hell did he buy that shirt? It was clearly made for those uber obese people who need cranes to remove them from their homes. Under this shirt/dress he wore some dark baggy jeans. On his feet, homeboy wore some fake Air Force Ones screen-printed with $100 bills all over them. I wish I could have taken a picture. If you need a visual, think of the Chipmunks.

This is not a blanket dis to the young kids out there. Sometimes I’m amused and appreciative of the creative ways in which these kids are putting together their outfits. The colors, the accessories. Fitted hat setting off the laces in your kicks, accenting the colors in your shirt, and so on. If you’re young and stylish, that might be totally appropriate.

I’m just calling out those clowns walking down the street. Old people, too. C’mon gramps. Your ass is 62 and you’re wearing baggy shorts, a jersey and dunks… and it’s not game day.

WHO THINKS THIS IS ATTRACTIVE?

That guy with the shirt/dress got dressed that morning and thought he looked cool. That’s such poor judgment or just indicative of a mental deficiency. Brother was deprived a few Flintstones Vitamins in the past, I guess.

So yeah, you… dressed like Jared in his “before” pants…

You look stupid.

I’m Never Drinking Again

Sike. I hate when people say that. Unless you’re an alcoholic, there’s no reason to go so far and proclaim abstinence from liquor altogether!

But I’ll be damned if I sure didn’t feel like that today. I had the worst hangover of my LIFE. I am still recovering. I won’t go into the whole story because it’s scary and at one point kind of disgusting. I’m just glad I’m okay and that I had a good friend to look out for me. Too bad the weather was so nice today (yesterday at this point) because I was stuck in bed the entire time. By midnight I was finally able to keep some food down. Thanks Alka-Seltzer.

Oh, and in case you ever wondered, you can indeed vomit through your nose.

:(