Claus, Santa: fwding address not found

As if you needed another reason to hate child molesters (and you probably don’t).

Black Santa... because you know, why not?

Pervs are now screwing with Christmas! It’s not breaking news or anything, but kids who write letters to Santa may not get an answer from his North Pole address. Instead, it appears that the Claus family is having their mail forwarded to other places this season and will be responding to the naughty and the nice from there.

Operation Santa Claus is a volunteer program that answers needy children’s letters to Santa. Cute, right? Now, I was the kind of kid who didn’t believe in that Santa Claus mess as soon as I was old enough to read One Fish, Two Fish. We had no chimney. White people didn’t really come through my neighborhood. I saw my grandmother wrapping gifts sometimes (though I could never figure out where she hid them). We don’t just let cookies sit out in my family. LOL. Still, I think for kids who still want to believe in that jolly old dude bringing them fun new toys, the program is great.

While the US Postal Service runs the Operation out of many post offices around the country, the popular location was in the small town of North Pole, Alaska for obvious reasons. The town, with a population of just 2,100 folks, has basically built an identity and industry around Christmas. North Pole’s “light posts are curved and striped like candy canes and streets have names such as Kris Kringle Drive and Santa Claus Lane. Volunteers in the letter program even sign the response letters as Santa’s elves and helpers… Huge tourist attractions here include an everything-Christmas store, Santa Claus House, and the post office, where visitors can get a hand-stamped postmark on their postcards and packages if they ask for it.” Those people live Christmas all year round (Groundhog day anyone?).

So why no more North Pole, AK for X-mas? Last year, it was discovered that one of “Santa’s Helpers” was a registered sex offender. This set off a scare that pretty much got the program there shut down after the USPS decided to tighten up the procedures nationwide. That’s commendable, no doubt. You don’t want sex offenders having the names , addresses and wishes of children around the world. I bet Christmas is already a holiday (duh) for pedophiles everywhere, what with all that lap-sitting and such. So no, I can’t blame the postal service for making sure things are in tip top shape. Smartly, they’ve redacted the last names from letters, instead, using numbered codes to match names with addresses.

Two big lumps of coal for yuletide pervs and a big plate of cookies and milk to the folks up in North Pole.

Source: AP

Dear Chinese-Americans,

Thank you for keeping your Americanized Chinese takeout restaurants open AND delivering on Christmas. You have provided many a Christmas dinner for folks like me.

Since it is a holiday, I expect you to put TWO fortune cookies in my bag. I hope that I won’t be disappointed.

Very Truly Yours,

Order #56

And although it’s terribly offensive (apologies), who doesn’t remember this apropos scene from A Christmas Story?

Missile Toe

Don’t worry. I KNOW it’s Mistletoe. Isn’t that a funny word though? Sounds like an aggravated case of Hammer Toe or an infectious type of Camel Toe.

I’ve never stood underneath some mistletoe and had a kiss. Truthfully, I think that might be a good thing since on TV, folks always end up standing under the mistletoe with someone they’d rather not kiss or their grandma. Besides, the plant is poisonous, causing “acute gastrointestinal problems including stomach pain, and diarrhea along with low pulse.”

Looks like Norse mythology deserves the credit/blame for mistletoe kissing. I found the same story in diff places around the web (about.com, christmas festivals and customs blog). Here’s the about.com version of the myth of Baldur:

Baldur’s mother was the Norse goddess, Frigga. When Baldur was born, Frigga made each and every plant, animal and inanimate object promise not to harm Baldur. But Frigga overlooked the mistletoe plant — and the mischievous god of the Norse myths, Loki, took advantage of this oversight. Ever the prankster, Loki tricked one of the other gods into killing Baldur with a spear fashioned from mistletoe. The demise of Baldur, a vegetation deity in the Norse myths, brought winter into the world, although the gods did eventually restore Baldur to life. After which Frigga pronounced the mistletoe sacred, ordering that from now on it should bring love rather than death into the world. Happily complying with Frigga’s wishes, any two people passing under the plant from now on would celebrate Baldur’s resurrection by kissing under the mistletoe.

There are other origin tales too, like the Scandanavian story about mistletoe being the plant of peace. According to wikipedia, “If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day.”

Whatever. All I know is we shouldn’t be having all these poisonous plants hanging around our families (and pets!). Mistletoe, holly and poinsettia. Sheesh! Tis the season to be vomitting. Mylanta should totally take advantage of the holiday season to get the scoop on Pepto.

Christmas Past

These trying financial times coupled with the holiday season made me wonder how my family was able to make Christmas so good for me as a child. At any given point in time, there was usually only one person in the household with a full-time job. I can barely feed and clothe myself right now on this student budget I’ve got. How in the hell did my grandmother and ‘nem put so many gifts under the tree and food on the table? As a good friend recently said, clearly people were making sacrifices. I guess the baby gotta have a Crimmus!

I lived on the second floor in a duplex apartment so there wasn’t any fireplace. There was barely room for the freakin’ tree. I’ve never had a real Christmas tree in my life. Growing up, we had one of those artificial trees you put together by sticking the color tipped branches into the color coded holes on a stand. Then we’d decorate it in multi-colored lights, bulbs, candy canes and tinsel, complete with a peaceful Black angel at the top. My grandmother would hang up my stocking by tacking it to the wood-paneled wall. Other Christmas touches included a wreath on the door and lights on the balcony.

I knew there was no Santa Claus. I don’t know when I knew, but it was pretty early. No one had to tell me. I was the kind of child who figured things out very quickly by putting things into logical order. Clearly grandma was buying things and hiding them. Besides, that whole Santa story didn’t fit into my life at all. There was no chimney! Right then and there I knew that was a wrap. Oh, and presents would be under the tree days before Christmas. So… what was left for Santa to do?

Before going to bed, I’d slip into my footie pajamas. Oh, let me speak on those footsie jammies for a second. You had to be kinda cautious when putting them on, yo. Don’t get overzealous and think you’re going to zip them up with the quickness! That zipper starts at your ankle and has to travel up your leg and torso to stop at the collar bone. Without the proper care, you are bound to catch some skin in the zipper. OUCH! I learned that lesson a couple of times as a youngin’. Other than footie pajamas, I’d always have a long nightgown with ruffles on the end, sort of like this. I loved those things. You think my sexy would suffer if I brought ’em back today?

Happy Holidays or what?

Happy Holidays! Season’s Greetings! Merry Christmas?

I guess it’s a slow news week because they were rehashing the whole Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas debate on the local news last night. Really? What’s the big deal? According to a poll done by the folks over at Rasmussen Reports, 68% of Americans prefer “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays.” Whereas only 25% favor “Happy Holidays.” You can check out the report to see them break it down by gender, age and even political party if you care.

I don’t really see the big deal. I mean, I’ve been telling people to have a good holiday for the past week or so. I ask people what they’re doing for the holidays, not what they’re doing for Christmas. I don’t think I straight up say “Happy Holidays” and I know for sure I do not say Season’s Greetings unless I’m reading a Hallmark card. I guess it’s because I don’t really feel like it’s Christmas and Christmas is not that big on my mind. It might also be because I can recognize and respect that many people do not celebrate and/or make a big deal out of Christmas. I might as well as about the holiday because I really mean their entire vacation, Christmas and New Year’s.