You better work!

By now, I assume most of you have seen the card RuPaul did in Obama style. If not, see Exhibit A.

I’m not really going to go on about the photo except to say that I think RuPaul looks freakin’ fabulous as Michelle and pretty damn sharp as Barack too. Seeing the photo made me think of RuPaul who has been off of the radar for a minute. I thought about how cool she was and was inspired to blog about it.

RuPaul was doing her thing in the 90’s, no doubt about it. It’s weird because I feel like all kinds of people were accepting of RuPaul then or at least enjoyed her for the entertainment value. She was the world’s favorite drag queen. This short clip basically sums it all up:

I Want to Work for Diddy – Finale!

I started out having no ego. A lot of peole see where I am now and they think it was given to me.
– The Tao of Diddy

Sorry it took a little while for me to get to this. Spent two hours watching Hip Hop Honors. Now I don’t even know why. It was alright but I wasn’t really impressed with the overall show. Now, I can get to the IW2W4D Finale!

Last week was hot because we saw the PA hopefulls flail on their first day at Bad Boy. Poprah got her shit READ by Diddy himself.

Yo. the look on Kim’s face when Diddy hit her with the, “thank you for applying for the position” line was pure confusion. She was flabbergasted. THEN, after she tried to explain herself, she came up with the real reason Diddy cancelled her: She’s overqualified for the position. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay. NOW the personal assistant position is a waste of her time. Poprah/Kim, spare me. You were so gung ho about this position ALL season long. Now that you’ve gotten the boot, working for Diddy is bullshit? I can’t believe how some people can convince themselves of anything. Overqualified?

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 9

There is a method to the madness
-The Tao of Diddy™

You lettin' these fools handle my showcase?

The four remaining hopefuls learn that they’ll be spending their first day at Bad Boy soon and being as such, they need to preserve their sexy. Mr. Combs doesn’t like ugly people around him at Bad Boy, so you know, keep it tight. The four get sent to a salon to get styled, shaved and waxed. Poprah even lets them handle that upper lip hair. Go on girl. Next, they all get to cop new gear. Stefanie and Suzanne are sent to H&M (O Really Puff?), Poprah gets to roll dolo to Lane Bryant (Well, I guess so) and Mike heads to the Sean John store (seems like he got the best deal).

The new mission is to put together a showcase for Janelle Monae (who is the hotness). The show really hammers home the point that a showcase is super important to an artist’s success. It can make or break him/her. Knowing the gravity of the situation, we know somebody’s going to fall HOARD. Kim steps out ahead as the leader because, according to her, she’s done that before.

The thing that stops people from being successful most of the time is their egos; how they gonna look to they friends or they feel something is beneath them. You know I started out I would go clean toilets at a Mexican restaurant and I would be a bus boy. At the end of the day, getting the job done and working hard is extremely important.
– The Tao of Diddy™

The Four hook up with Diddy’s current assistants to get the real on what they need to do today: Whatever Diddy Wants! This is more complicated than you think because Diddy truly expects each person to be in several places at once. Tasks pile on to each one and before they can even get started on one, BOOM, there’s another.

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 8

Money, money, money. I like making a lot of it.
– The Tao of Diddy™

Last week, Steph almost got the boot (and would have if Capricorn had her way) because she couldn’t make a decent Ciroc and Lemonade. At least that’s what it amounted to in my opinion. Red bounced since his so-called club promotion experience left the team with a big fat L.

This week, it was All About The Benjamins: The Money Hustle. I love the way the show started with Diddy appearing in the middle of the night to wake up the wannabes. Dude is sitting over Mike, eating Doritos. Then he wakes up Kendra and says, “I wish I could sleep” (chomp chomp chomp). BWAHHAHAHA. It kind of reminded me of the Burger King King when he’s in the bed with folks.

To see who is really going to be able to make money and hustle, Diddy breaks up the teams and puts everyone out there on their own. (Aside: Does your personal assistant really have to be able to make money for you? End Aside) Well, sort of alone. Each person will be judged alone, but they have to do work in pairs. $500 goes to each team to get busy.

I Want to Work for Diddy: Mission 7

Mission 7 - The Art of Celebration

We have a job to do when we throw a party, that people have to leave saying that they had one of the best times of their lives. It’s important to me that everybody is catered to that everybody is VIP. My team is gonna have to be on top of that.
– The Tao of Diddy

I’m sure I could be Diddy’s assistant. Not that I’d really want to, because his personality and mine would be sure to clash on more than one occasion, but I’m sure I could do it. Looking at these buffoons run around like nuts makes me confident. The types of things they’re asked to do, these “challenges” are silly and I really don’t think Mr. Combs’ assistant would have to do half of what these folks are made to do. True, it’s television but sheesh.

One job that does seem like it could come under the scope of Personal Assistant to a “Mogul” would be planning a party. Diddy is famous for his star-studded, anyone who’s anyone shindigs. I could imagine there would come a time or 70 when you’d be asked to handle the details for those huge parties. This week’s ep finds Uptown and Downtown trying to do just that.

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 6

Mission 6 – The Unforgivable Hustle

I feel like I’m a definition of a hustler. Certain people are blessed with that common sense, go-getter, hustler type of attitude. If you can combine those forces, they’re the type of people I want on my team.
– The Tao of Diddy

Yo, last week was crazy, right? Boris straight up called Kendra OUT! This week didn’t let me down, either. We started off with Mike and Poprah getting into it. Thank you Diddy for continuing to bring the drama!

The craziest thing about this week’s ep was the booting of LAVERNE! Yes, child. LAVERNE! I don’t know if she really should have gone. Maybe this was just a way to get rid of her early, because honestly… would the Diddster roll with a Transsexual assistant? We’ll never know, now. I liked LaVerne a lot. I thought she was pretty level headed and together.

Brief recap, the teams’ challenge was to go to Sephora and sell as many bottles of Sean John Unforgivable as they can. They also had to make promotional T-shirts.

Downtown started off with a bang, so to speak. Mike’s idea for a shirt: “Now Smell This”. His explanation: “Women always think they coochie smell good. C’mon, Keep it funky!” The team hated on it, but I thought it was kind of clever. Not the coochie part, but overall.

Once again, the team was trying to exploit LaVerne’s identity as a trans person. She shoulda kirked the fuck out about it, she was certainly entitled at that point. Ever the lady, LaVerne kept herself in check.

Unfortunately, it seems like LaVerne’s identity is working against her in this challenge. People aren’t responding well to this tall, deep-voiced, Black woman who pretty obviously was born a man. Sex sells and many of the people in Sephora aren’t interested in sex with LaVerne. She wasn’t able to connect with the customers and didn’t close a deal.

I Want to Work for Diddy-Mission 5

Mission 5 – HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD: Assist Diddy’s Family

“Bad Boy Entertainment to me, it’s not just a company. We are an army. You seen the movie 300. It’s a small unit of us but we’re lethal. We are the best at what we do, you know. We take no prisoners. No mercy.”
-The Tao of Diddy

I can’t get into the blow by blow tonight. All I need to say is that these people suck. I would SO make a better personal assistant for Diddy. Granted, I might quit super fast, but I’d be able to make the cut before all of those jokers. Where’d they get these morons? Maybe it’s because they have to work in groups, I don’t know. I think if you didn’t have to deal with so many competing minds, you’d get more done quickly. They do have to keep the drama for television though I suppose.

To begin, and it’s no surprise, Poprah had a plan – Pimp LaVerne. See, Uptown Team was told that they’d have the option of selecting a member from Downtown Team. Kim set her sights on LaVerne. Her rationale: Diddy wouldn’t really hire anyone like LaVerne anyway. Damn.

This episode was filmed at the time when Diddy got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Time for the potential PAs to “handle” Diddy’s Mom and on/off girlfriend Kim Porter. Keeping the women in his life happy was key. Honestly, I’d be trying to snatch that tacky blonde bullshit off of Ms. Combs’ head.
Uptown gets Mama. Downtown got Babymama.

I’m convinced Kim/Poprah will get her own show from this. SOMETHING. She’s dropping tears. She’s orchestrating the fall of Red and other teammates. She’s pulling the strings and it’s horrible and fabulous at the same time. She’s clearly the one you love to hate.

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 4

Briefly, last night’s episode was about Diddy.com. The Diddster wanted the potential assistants to make viral videos for the site. Apparently, Diddy’s been making viral vids for a minute and they’re all the rage – an assertion that was strange to me because I’ve never seen, nor heard, of any of them… and I’m ALWAYS online.

Anyway, once they got started you know Poprah had some expertise to contribute. Let her tell it, she’s a expert in everything. She says she has video production experience but pushes Brianna into the leadership/producer position. I don’t know why Brianna couldn’t see it, but she was clearly being set up for the okey doke. Poprah’s smart because she’s going to make her teammates eliminate themselves one by one. Her Uptown team comes up with the idea of “What would you do for Diddy?” and sets about filming average folks doing dumbass shit (writing “no bitchassness” on their heads, eating a frozen fishstick, etc).

Meanwhile, Downtown Team starts out trying to exploit Laverne’s sexual orientation for laughs. Way to move the movement. She was acting all peeved about it (to which she’s entitled), but decides to take one for the team if it means winning. Laverne’s no fool, let’s face it – Trannies are funny. Still, the calls from her team to “Tranny it up!” and “Go Tranny on ’em!” were a bit much. *Dials GLAAD* Finally, Downtown settles on an idea mocking Diddy’s love for organic Mott’s Applesauce by using Boris as the “Applesauce Bandit.” Boris (the originator of that idea) was on board at first, but then he started to feel like he would be degrading himself. Why? Because he’s fat. Now I find it odd that he’d be all for exploiting Laverne, but feels some kind of way about wearing a tight outfit. DUDE… we know you’re fat in your everyday clothes! There’s no difference if you put on a costume!

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 3

Working for me is like a rollercoaster ride, or if you woke up and thrown into the middle of an action movie. You have to be ready to be dropped in the middle of the jungle. You have to be prepared for anything.
– The Tao of Diddy™

If they pull something out this beautiful and amazing, I will be shocked and RuPauled.
– Laverne

Oh damn. Talk about unfair. Only about a few of the contestants get called down by the RED PHONE (calls from which must be answered immediately) to pack their toiletries and get in the car. Once inside, they find out they’re headed to Paris, France! Pretty cool. Laverne, Boris, Kim and Suzanne head to Europe while the others chill back in NYC. I guess they can take solace in the fact that there will be no time for sightseeing or crepes. Just haulin’ ass for Diddy.

When they arrived, their assignment is to find a model, convince her to come to NYC and do a photoshoot. Oh, by 4pm. The NYC folks have to plan a “sexy, original” print ad for Sean John eyewear (hmm, I’m in the market for some new glasses).

In a city they don’t know, with a language no one can speak, my girl Laverne has enough Vogue, House of Ninja and Sashay Chante in her to set up a meeting with the model’s agent at a bakery. See, that’s why you need a Rainbow Coalition member on the team. Boris was just straight hating though. He really can’t get over his problems with Laverne being a transgendered woman.

I don’t care if I gotta walk to Zimbabwe, cut down some trees in a forest and jump on the back of a giraffe, but naked, with no money. If that’s my mission, I’mma come back successful.
– The Tao of Diddy

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 2

“If you can’t see the forest through the trees, you gotta chop them motherfuckers down.”
– The Tao of Diddy™

Last week Ms. Busty got the boot leaving Kim, aka Poprah, to gloat and scream another day. Ok, I’m sure Boris won’t win the show. Why? Because he couldn’t tell that Laverne was a transsexual. LOSER. Then again, my gaydar failed because I didn’t know Rob was gay before he said so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that © Seinfeld.

Of course, you can’t have a reality elimination show without some military/boot camp element. Before they even get started doing ANYTHING, Kim starts coughing all crazy. She claimed to be having allergies. Then she said something about asthmatic reaction to high pollen. Ok. Could be the case. Not a big loss anyway, the team decided, because she can’t run that well and is known to break down any teamwork whatsoever.