I obviously spend too much time in school

“I’m building memories on things we have not said” – Fiona Apple

While here in JPN, most of my classes have an international focus. When discussing international law and the hierarchy of authorities, treaties are right at the top. They’re like the supreme agreement between States. The thing about treaties, and it’s somewhat obvious, they cannot be unilateral. They have to be an agreement between two or more nations. A unilateral treaty is really just one nation’s forced will upon everyone else. You know, kind of like how Britain did to everyone else in the world with colonialism? After going to class for about a week, all of this international law is floating around in my head.

Couple that with what happened just the other night. Sitting around talking with the ladies, someone said that it was possible to fall in love with somebody all by yourself. Then last night, I fell asleep to the sounds of my iPod on shuffle and Fiona Apple delivering the line quoted above. What does any of that have to do with the other? Probably not much, but in my random-assed mind, it all came together like wow, it’s totally possible to have a unilateral relationship where you’re the only one involved.

Who loves you, baby?

Saw this over at It’s like I’m … mmmagic! and thought it was too cute. I’ve had some of these happen in relationships, still waiting on others.

Then He Loves You

If he always gives you the last bite of his sandwich or the first lick of his ice cream cone, then he loves you.

If he’s seen your high school yearbook photo and says he still loves you, then he loves you.

If he’s counted all your freckles,- even the ones behind your knees, then he loves you.

If, right before sleep, he leans in, buries his nose in your hair and inhales, and when you ask what he’s doing, he smiles a smile that reminds you of a secret and says ‘nothing’, then he loves you.

If he tells you that you make chickenpox sexy, then he loves you. He’s lying, but he loves you.

If he’s laid beside you in a too small bed, in a too dark room and listened as you told him all the ways you feel like you are failing, then he loves you.

If he remembers the name of your arch enemy from the sixth grade and hates her because he knows all about how she started the rumor that you only used boys deodorant, when you didn’t– then he loves you. And he hates her. But he loves you.

Spotlight: the heartbroke daily

I’m not just here to toot my own blog horn. I’m here to put you good people up on to some other good people out there with computers. Enter the heartbroke daily, a literary blog in which a serial lover named Knox Dupree relates the story of a different woman who broke his heart. Every day. Although a fictional character, Knox chronicles his “persistent lovesickness” with the hope that his escapades will shed some light on the “perplexing condition of humanity.”  Here’s one entry that I think illustrates the sad and funny nature of not only Knox Dupree’s life, but of Love itself.

You ain’t gotta put a ring on it, but…

I thought of this when I saw a Tweet from Skinny Black Girl posing the question, “Do grown folks really need to “go together?” is it just me or are options still open until you’re engaged???”

Even before the ring, I know she wasn't cosigning no extra-Beyonce activities!

One of the lies women AND men tell ourselves is that we have no claim on the person we’re spending time with because there’s no ring on anyone’s finger (peace Bey). I mean, essentially that is true. If you are not promised/betrothed/engaged/sold (jk) to someone, well then what can you say? They’re still single, at least that’s how Uncle Sam sees it. No one wants to come off as the clingy one. The person who is trying to make more out of the relationship than the other. Know why? Well if you are the clingy one, you can end up pushing him/her away or making them feel claustrophobic. Plus when you let him/her know that you feel some type of way about exclusivity, you’ve basically laid down your cards and shown your hand. Power has likely shifted at that point and you open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. Vulnerability is difficult for the majority of us. So we just minimize it all. “If you really want to see other people, I mean, that’s cool. Not like we’re married or anything.” Yeah, okay.

You’re straight up lying to yourself. Of course it’s different when things between the two of you are young, fresh and new (Hi Phonte!). That’s another story. But when things have been going on for a while and you’re spending time and energy, you are most assuredly entitled to feel like exclusivity is warranted. At the very least, you have to admit to yourself and him/her that you would feel some kind of way about them seeing other people. I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s nothing to you if your boo of like two years just up and decides to start dating someone while seeing you. Yall aren’t married. Not even engaged. So you don’t have any call to say whether they should be seeing other people? GTFOOH!

You’re really just doing a disservice to yourself in the end. So in answer to SBG’s inquiry, yes… grown ups still need to “go together” (although I wouldn’t call it that). You ain’t gotta put a ring on it but at some point, there are expectations and both parties need to be held accountable.

Lowered expectations/just grow up/catching up with old friends

I’m wondering if some of us are looking for something in relationships that is just plain unrealistic and which does not exist? Maybe we need to get real and lower the bar a little. But how do you do that without feeling like you’re settling?

I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend tonight. My girl called me up and we talked for over 3 hours. We’ve known each other since 6th grade, but we became friends in 7th grade after she got into some fight with another chick who was beefing with me. She’s been married for about three years now. As we were catching up, the conversation got around to who I was seeing and all that. I said no one and we started talking about dating since my last relationship (which was nearly two years ago). All of that led to a discussion about what’s more important and what to look for in a partner.

I was telling my girl about a couple of really good guys that I know. These guys are what you would call the practical choice. They’re smart, independent, doing well in their respective careers, family-oriented, funny, sweet, and most importantly, they deal with my crazy ass. On paper, they stack up pretty well and if you were hiring for a husband, well you’d definitely invite them in for a second and third interview. Still, there is something holding me back from seriously trying to build anything with them. There’s a piece missing. I always say it’s a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess I mean there’s no spark. Isn’t there supposed to be a spark?

By that I mean isn’t there supposed to be some kind of passion there? I was having a similar talk with another close girl friend who was telling me about a guy she knows who just gets under her skin every time. He’s totally in her system. The problem is, he really ain’t shit. That’s when I realized that that is the way it always seems to go. I can definitely identify. I’ve met men who, just the thought of them, could get me excited, make me smile and make me think back to… well, shared moments. Usually, it’s the guys who really get you going (usually for some reason you can’t even explain) are the ones who lack all of those other practical qualities one would want in a partner. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to combine those men together? Can’t you have a man with all of those practical, stable, desirable qualities who you also can’t stop thinking about for a single day? A man that gets under your skin? A man that makes you feel silly and giddy and girly?

Never show your hand?

A guy friend of mine told me not too long ago that it was a bad idea to let a man know that you’re feeling him. I told him that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. Why play games? We are adults and if adults like each other they should say so. I thought people hated it when women played games. Now here I was being advised to play my hand close and hide how I really feel. Huh?

Today on the Mike & Juliet Show some “relationship expert” was saying the same thing. He said that a woman shouldn’t approach a man and discuss their relationship… EVER. He said it makes you look weak. The man will know he already won and will no longer want you. He said that all you need to do is look to a man’s actions to determine how he feels about you. Well I don’t know about that. Lack of words and lack of action can make you go crazy. Why can’t you just straight up ask what’s going on without coming off like a clingy broad? Ugh! That is so frustrating!

This is why I balk when people say that women are crazy in relationships. I say men are crazy because they’re setting all these rules – rules designed for them to have their cake and eat it too without ever having to lay down their cards. People say they want honesty when it comes to relationships but they’re lying, I guess. If you’re honest, you’re likely going to get hung out to dry and find yourself by yourself. If you lie and play games, you’re good to go. Nice and cozy in a relationship built on bullshit. Lose-lose.

What do you think?

High School Confidential

After a few requests, I am going to post a few entries from the journal I kept as a teenager over 10 years ago. I am so embarrassed. I have no idea why I am even going to post these. Reading them makes me laugh at myself in an uncomfortable way. I feel as if I do not know the girl who wrote this stuff. It all sounds so… silly and cheesy and dumb. What was I thinking?! I hope that I do not look at these blog entries years from now with the same thoughts. Don’t judge me, yo. All of the emphasis, spelling and punctuation is in the original, by the way:

Oct. 30: I haven’t written lately, I’ve been busy. Saturday’s my birthday! 16. Everything has been fine, except my mother and my uncle. First of all, he’s moved in, thirty-something years old and he’s back at home. PATHETIC! Mother is such an ass. She’s selfish, and inconsiderate. Well, gotta go, it’s time for Bio.

Nov. 2: I turned 16 last night (yesterday)!! I can’t wait to drive!! everyone called to say happy birthday. Last night I went out w/Georgette and Lynnece (aka Lynneye), we drank a little (Quanisha got some from the bootlegger) and we chilled at the party at Morgan. It was raining all night on + off. Me and Lynneye went up to Smith St. to see if rick was there but we only saw Collin and Terrance (yuck). Tuesday I have to escort the superintendent’s son around school. (we’ll see about that). – Peace –