ANTM: It’s all about Nigel

"Whatever you liiiiiiiiike"

After winning an Emmy for best informative talk show and showing her real hair to the world, Tyra Banks is back with another season cycle of America’s Next Top Model. The show is more of the same (silly modeling challenges, cliched casting, tragic backstory, girlfights and overacting from Tyra and Miss Jay) but with a small twist – the models are petite. Aren’t they always petite except for a couple of token “plus” chicks? Yeah, but THIS cycle, the hopefuls are all under 5’7. I applaud Tyra for trying to tinker with the show’s formula and “break barriers’ in the fashion industry but um, I don’t believe it. Sure, I want the fashion industry to better reflect the realities of women’s bodies and to support rather than destroy body image ideals but I have little confidence that a plus woman or a short woman can make it in high fashion. Print and TV? Sure. Runways for top designers? No. This cycle promises to be like the rest so I won’t go into the episode. My focus is on something else entirely right now… Nigel.

After a couple of tweets with the fabulous Thembi (@thembithembi; What Would Thembi Do?), I had to share my appreciation for the wonderful ANTM judge and “noted” photographer Nigel Barker. I would add Nigel to my LIST* with the quickness but he doesn’t quite meet the requirements. Nigel is half Sri Lankan so he is “colored” enough to lust after openly and guilt-free, LOL. But really, he’s an even-handed judge, a good photographer, appears to be a good husband. has a British accent, and is much needed masculine eye-candy between Mr and Miss Jay. So yeah, this is a totally gratuitous, lustful post objectifying Nigel Barker. So what?!

*Referring to the List of White Men I’d Do if I Were Into White Men which at present includes the likes of Jason Stackhouse/Ryan Kwanten, and James Purefoy.

I obviously spend too much time in school

“I’m building memories on things we have not said” – Fiona Apple

While here in JPN, most of my classes have an international focus. When discussing international law and the hierarchy of authorities, treaties are right at the top. They’re like the supreme agreement between States. The thing about treaties, and it’s somewhat obvious, they cannot be unilateral. They have to be an agreement between two or more nations. A unilateral treaty is really just one nation’s forced will upon everyone else. You know, kind of like how Britain did to everyone else in the world with colonialism? After going to class for about a week, all of this international law is floating around in my head.

Couple that with what happened just the other night. Sitting around talking with the ladies, someone said that it was possible to fall in love with somebody all by yourself. Then last night, I fell asleep to the sounds of my iPod on shuffle and Fiona Apple delivering the line quoted above. What does any of that have to do with the other? Probably not much, but in my random-assed mind, it all came together like wow, it’s totally possible to have a unilateral relationship where you’re the only one involved.

Who loves you, baby?

Saw this over at It’s like I’m … mmmagic! and thought it was too cute. I’ve had some of these happen in relationships, still waiting on others.

Then He Loves You

If he always gives you the last bite of his sandwich or the first lick of his ice cream cone, then he loves you.

If he’s seen your high school yearbook photo and says he still loves you, then he loves you.

If he’s counted all your freckles,- even the ones behind your knees, then he loves you.

If, right before sleep, he leans in, buries his nose in your hair and inhales, and when you ask what he’s doing, he smiles a smile that reminds you of a secret and says ‘nothing’, then he loves you.

If he tells you that you make chickenpox sexy, then he loves you. He’s lying, but he loves you.

If he’s laid beside you in a too small bed, in a too dark room and listened as you told him all the ways you feel like you are failing, then he loves you.

If he remembers the name of your arch enemy from the sixth grade and hates her because he knows all about how she started the rumor that you only used boys deodorant, when you didn’t– then he loves you. And he hates her. But he loves you.

You ain’t gotta put a ring on it, but…

I thought of this when I saw a Tweet from Skinny Black Girl posing the question, “Do grown folks really need to “go together?” is it just me or are options still open until you’re engaged???”

Even before the ring, I know she wasn't cosigning no extra-Beyonce activities!

One of the lies women AND men tell ourselves is that we have no claim on the person we’re spending time with because there’s no ring on anyone’s finger (peace Bey). I mean, essentially that is true. If you are not promised/betrothed/engaged/sold (jk) to someone, well then what can you say? They’re still single, at least that’s how Uncle Sam sees it. No one wants to come off as the clingy one. The person who is trying to make more out of the relationship than the other. Know why? Well if you are the clingy one, you can end up pushing him/her away or making them feel claustrophobic. Plus when you let him/her know that you feel some type of way about exclusivity, you’ve basically laid down your cards and shown your hand. Power has likely shifted at that point and you open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. Vulnerability is difficult for the majority of us. So we just minimize it all. “If you really want to see other people, I mean, that’s cool. Not like we’re married or anything.” Yeah, okay.

You’re straight up lying to yourself. Of course it’s different when things between the two of you are young, fresh and new (Hi Phonte!). That’s another story. But when things have been going on for a while and you’re spending time and energy, you are most assuredly entitled to feel like exclusivity is warranted. At the very least, you have to admit to yourself and him/her that you would feel some kind of way about them seeing other people. I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s nothing to you if your boo of like two years just up and decides to start dating someone while seeing you. Yall aren’t married. Not even engaged. So you don’t have any call to say whether they should be seeing other people? GTFOOH!

You’re really just doing a disservice to yourself in the end. So in answer to SBG’s inquiry, yes… grown ups still need to “go together” (although I wouldn’t call it that). You ain’t gotta put a ring on it but at some point, there are expectations and both parties need to be held accountable.

Lowered expectations/just grow up/catching up with old friends

I’m wondering if some of us are looking for something in relationships that is just plain unrealistic and which does not exist? Maybe we need to get real and lower the bar a little. But how do you do that without feeling like you’re settling?

I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend tonight. My girl called me up and we talked for over 3 hours. We’ve known each other since 6th grade, but we became friends in 7th grade after she got into some fight with another chick who was beefing with me. She’s been married for about three years now. As we were catching up, the conversation got around to who I was seeing and all that. I said no one and we started talking about dating since my last relationship (which was nearly two years ago). All of that led to a discussion about what’s more important and what to look for in a partner.

I was telling my girl about a couple of really good guys that I know. These guys are what you would call the practical choice. They’re smart, independent, doing well in their respective careers, family-oriented, funny, sweet, and most importantly, they deal with my crazy ass. On paper, they stack up pretty well and if you were hiring for a husband, well you’d definitely invite them in for a second and third interview. Still, there is something holding me back from seriously trying to build anything with them. There’s a piece missing. I always say it’s a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess I mean there’s no spark. Isn’t there supposed to be a spark?

By that I mean isn’t there supposed to be some kind of passion there? I was having a similar talk with another close girl friend who was telling me about a guy she knows who just gets under her skin every time. He’s totally in her system. The problem is, he really ain’t shit. That’s when I realized that that is the way it always seems to go. I can definitely identify. I’ve met men who, just the thought of them, could get me excited, make me smile and make me think back to… well, shared moments. Usually, it’s the guys who really get you going (usually for some reason you can’t even explain) are the ones who lack all of those other practical qualities one would want in a partner. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to combine those men together? Can’t you have a man with all of those practical, stable, desirable qualities who you also can’t stop thinking about for a single day? A man that gets under your skin? A man that makes you feel silly and giddy and girly?

360 Waves

I might be in the minority of women when I say this, but I do not think 360 waves on men is cute. I say minority because I imagine someone must like it or else dudes wouldn’t put so much effort into doing it. Unless they do it for each other and not for us, which would be pretty ghey, right? For the uninitiated, here are some examples of 360 waves:

The name obvy comes from the fact that the waves are continuous around the head. Using a brush, some type of pomade and a stocking cap/doo rag, dudes are “spinning” with these pronounced waves in their head. Now, I can appreciate a nice haircut. I think taking care of your hair as a man is important. I’m not even hating on waves altogether. It’s just those EXTRA ass waves that get me. How much time are dudes putting into that? How much vanity is involved? I’ll tell you, so much so that they have a whole message board and books devoted to this mess! Wild, right? I can’t take them seriously and have never dated a guy who rocked that look. The whole thing makes me seasick! LOL

Peep this “tutorial” then save a youth:

Never show your hand?

A guy friend of mine told me not too long ago that it was a bad idea to let a man know that you’re feeling him. I told him that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. Why play games? We are adults and if adults like each other they should say so. I thought people hated it when women played games. Now here I was being advised to play my hand close and hide how I really feel. Huh?

Today on the Mike & Juliet Show some “relationship expert” was saying the same thing. He said that a woman shouldn’t approach a man and discuss their relationship… EVER. He said it makes you look weak. The man will know he already won and will no longer want you. He said that all you need to do is look to a man’s actions to determine how he feels about you. Well I don’t know about that. Lack of words and lack of action can make you go crazy. Why can’t you just straight up ask what’s going on without coming off like a clingy broad? Ugh! That is so frustrating!

This is why I balk when people say that women are crazy in relationships. I say men are crazy because they’re setting all these rules – rules designed for them to have their cake and eat it too without ever having to lay down their cards. People say they want honesty when it comes to relationships but they’re lying, I guess. If you’re honest, you’re likely going to get hung out to dry and find yourself by yourself. If you lie and play games, you’re good to go. Nice and cozy in a relationship built on bullshit. Lose-lose.

What do you think?

Real quick: He say/She say

This photo says it all:

This comes from a UK survey (a la Fabulous Mag) of men and women. The sizes in the picture are UK sizes. The US equivalents are as follows: Anna, Size 10, Tillie, Size 6 and Caroline, Size 14. Do you think this is reflective of men’s and women’s ideals in the US as well? If men are the ones who have traditionally controlled the media (which idealizes Tillie’s size), but their true ideal body type is more like Anna’s, where are the wires getting crossed? Aside: I don’t like how Anna is photographed. That post somehow makes her look bigger than Caroline. I’m curious as to why Tillie seems most prominently featured too.

On a separate but sort of related note: I made an observation today and I want to know if others have noticed this too… The higher a man’s stature in society (based on his education, career, accomplishments, etc), the thinner he likes his women. Go the other way on the spectrum of “success” and “status” and men date thicker women all the way to downright portly. If this is true, this means I need to drop a couple of sizes to climb the dating ladder, right? Aw fooey!

Swiped: Weapons of Mass Seduction

50 Things Men Wish Women Knew (yeah right)

So Men’s Health Magazine put out these 50 things. Not like Men’s Health is, in my opinion, an authority on anything except abs and tanning. Still, I thought it’d be fun to go through some of them  (you didn’t think I’d hit all 50!) and drop my two cents.
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1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you’re wrong.
Oh really? Seems like men get exasperated and squeemish if we express ourselves sometimes. So you mean to tell me that when you’re ignoring everything I’m saying, you’re really just beaming with pride?

4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you’re not in the car.
That offers me no comfort, especially because you’re probably speeding in MY car.

5. If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
And if you’re truly interested in us, don’t act like you can’t tell us. You’re not less of a man if you say, “I like you.”

7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me–once.
Nope, you can’t have it that easy. When I screw up, I’m going to tell you. As many times as it takes, okay?

8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I’m inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
Funny, most men will use the bathroom with the door open and will STILL talk to you.

9. I’m hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
We don’t believe you, you need more people. Nah, you might not want to do it to them, but you have certainly noticed whether they’re hot or not.

10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
Your guy friends are my best sign that you have a heart of gold. Only a saint would entertain the mentally challenged on a regular basis.

“Your stretch marks are roadmaps to your best parts”*

Oh word?

Peep Deelishis. (I’m a grown ass woman, dawg. Why I gotta call some other woman DEELISHIS?) Better yet, peep her midsection. Okay. Got it? Let’s move on.

I checked my boy D’s blog and he had this pic of Deelishis up and the subsequent clip from Katt Williams.