I Want to Work for Diddy – Finale!

I started out having no ego. A lot of peole see where I am now and they think it was given to me.
– The Tao of Diddy

Sorry it took a little while for me to get to this. Spent two hours watching Hip Hop Honors. Now I don’t even know why. It was alright but I wasn’t really impressed with the overall show. Now, I can get to the IW2W4D Finale!

Last week was hot because we saw the PA hopefulls flail on their first day at Bad Boy. Poprah got her shit READ by Diddy himself.

Yo. the look on Kim’s face when Diddy hit her with the, “thank you for applying for the position” line was pure confusion. She was flabbergasted. THEN, after she tried to explain herself, she came up with the real reason Diddy cancelled her: She’s overqualified for the position. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay. NOW the personal assistant position is a waste of her time. Poprah/Kim, spare me. You were so gung ho about this position ALL season long. Now that you’ve gotten the boot, working for Diddy is bullshit? I can’t believe how some people can convince themselves of anything. Overqualified?

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 9

There is a method to the madness
-The Tao of Diddy™

You lettin' these fools handle my showcase?

The four remaining hopefuls learn that they’ll be spending their first day at Bad Boy soon and being as such, they need to preserve their sexy. Mr. Combs doesn’t like ugly people around him at Bad Boy, so you know, keep it tight. The four get sent to a salon to get styled, shaved and waxed. Poprah even lets them handle that upper lip hair. Go on girl. Next, they all get to cop new gear. Stefanie and Suzanne are sent to H&M (O Really Puff?), Poprah gets to roll dolo to Lane Bryant (Well, I guess so) and Mike heads to the Sean John store (seems like he got the best deal).

The new mission is to put together a showcase for Janelle Monae (who is the hotness). The show really hammers home the point that a showcase is super important to an artist’s success. It can make or break him/her. Knowing the gravity of the situation, we know somebody’s going to fall HOARD. Kim steps out ahead as the leader because, according to her, she’s done that before.

The thing that stops people from being successful most of the time is their egos; how they gonna look to they friends or they feel something is beneath them. You know I started out I would go clean toilets at a Mexican restaurant and I would be a bus boy. At the end of the day, getting the job done and working hard is extremely important.
– The Tao of Diddy™

The Four hook up with Diddy’s current assistants to get the real on what they need to do today: Whatever Diddy Wants! This is more complicated than you think because Diddy truly expects each person to be in several places at once. Tasks pile on to each one and before they can even get started on one, BOOM, there’s another.

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 8

Money, money, money. I like making a lot of it.
– The Tao of Diddy™

Last week, Steph almost got the boot (and would have if Capricorn had her way) because she couldn’t make a decent Ciroc and Lemonade. At least that’s what it amounted to in my opinion. Red bounced since his so-called club promotion experience left the team with a big fat L.

This week, it was All About The Benjamins: The Money Hustle. I love the way the show started with Diddy appearing in the middle of the night to wake up the wannabes. Dude is sitting over Mike, eating Doritos. Then he wakes up Kendra and says, “I wish I could sleep” (chomp chomp chomp). BWAHHAHAHA. It kind of reminded me of the Burger King King when he’s in the bed with folks.

To see who is really going to be able to make money and hustle, Diddy breaks up the teams and puts everyone out there on their own. (Aside: Does your personal assistant really have to be able to make money for you? End Aside) Well, sort of alone. Each person will be judged alone, but they have to do work in pairs. $500 goes to each team to get busy.

I Want to Work for Diddy-Mission 5

Mission 5 – HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD: Assist Diddy’s Family

“Bad Boy Entertainment to me, it’s not just a company. We are an army. You seen the movie 300. It’s a small unit of us but we’re lethal. We are the best at what we do, you know. We take no prisoners. No mercy.”
-The Tao of Diddy

I can’t get into the blow by blow tonight. All I need to say is that these people suck. I would SO make a better personal assistant for Diddy. Granted, I might quit super fast, but I’d be able to make the cut before all of those jokers. Where’d they get these morons? Maybe it’s because they have to work in groups, I don’t know. I think if you didn’t have to deal with so many competing minds, you’d get more done quickly. They do have to keep the drama for television though I suppose.

To begin, and it’s no surprise, Poprah had a plan – Pimp LaVerne. See, Uptown Team was told that they’d have the option of selecting a member from Downtown Team. Kim set her sights on LaVerne. Her rationale: Diddy wouldn’t really hire anyone like LaVerne anyway. Damn.

This episode was filmed at the time when Diddy got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Time for the potential PAs to “handle” Diddy’s Mom and on/off girlfriend Kim Porter. Keeping the women in his life happy was key. Honestly, I’d be trying to snatch that tacky blonde bullshit off of Ms. Combs’ head.
Uptown gets Mama. Downtown got Babymama.

I’m convinced Kim/Poprah will get her own show from this. SOMETHING. She’s dropping tears. She’s orchestrating the fall of Red and other teammates. She’s pulling the strings and it’s horrible and fabulous at the same time. She’s clearly the one you love to hate.

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 4

Briefly, last night’s episode was about Diddy.com. The Diddster wanted the potential assistants to make viral videos for the site. Apparently, Diddy’s been making viral vids for a minute and they’re all the rage – an assertion that was strange to me because I’ve never seen, nor heard, of any of them… and I’m ALWAYS online.

Anyway, once they got started you know Poprah had some expertise to contribute. Let her tell it, she’s a expert in everything. She says she has video production experience but pushes Brianna into the leadership/producer position. I don’t know why Brianna couldn’t see it, but she was clearly being set up for the okey doke. Poprah’s smart because she’s going to make her teammates eliminate themselves one by one. Her Uptown team comes up with the idea of “What would you do for Diddy?” and sets about filming average folks doing dumbass shit (writing “no bitchassness” on their heads, eating a frozen fishstick, etc).

Meanwhile, Downtown Team starts out trying to exploit Laverne’s sexual orientation for laughs. Way to move the movement. She was acting all peeved about it (to which she’s entitled), but decides to take one for the team if it means winning. Laverne’s no fool, let’s face it – Trannies are funny. Still, the calls from her team to “Tranny it up!” and “Go Tranny on ’em!” were a bit much. *Dials GLAAD* Finally, Downtown settles on an idea mocking Diddy’s love for organic Mott’s Applesauce by using Boris as the “Applesauce Bandit.” Boris (the originator of that idea) was on board at first, but then he started to feel like he would be degrading himself. Why? Because he’s fat. Now I find it odd that he’d be all for exploiting Laverne, but feels some kind of way about wearing a tight outfit. DUDE… we know you’re fat in your everyday clothes! There’s no difference if you put on a costume!

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 3

Working for me is like a rollercoaster ride, or if you woke up and thrown into the middle of an action movie. You have to be ready to be dropped in the middle of the jungle. You have to be prepared for anything.
– The Tao of Diddy™

If they pull something out this beautiful and amazing, I will be shocked and RuPauled.
– Laverne

Oh damn. Talk about unfair. Only about a few of the contestants get called down by the RED PHONE (calls from which must be answered immediately) to pack their toiletries and get in the car. Once inside, they find out they’re headed to Paris, France! Pretty cool. Laverne, Boris, Kim and Suzanne head to Europe while the others chill back in NYC. I guess they can take solace in the fact that there will be no time for sightseeing or crepes. Just haulin’ ass for Diddy.

When they arrived, their assignment is to find a model, convince her to come to NYC and do a photoshoot. Oh, by 4pm. The NYC folks have to plan a “sexy, original” print ad for Sean John eyewear (hmm, I’m in the market for some new glasses).

In a city they don’t know, with a language no one can speak, my girl Laverne has enough Vogue, House of Ninja and Sashay Chante in her to set up a meeting with the model’s agent at a bakery. See, that’s why you need a Rainbow Coalition member on the team. Boris was just straight hating though. He really can’t get over his problems with Laverne being a transgendered woman.

I don’t care if I gotta walk to Zimbabwe, cut down some trees in a forest and jump on the back of a giraffe, but naked, with no money. If that’s my mission, I’mma come back successful.
– The Tao of Diddy

I Want to Work for Diddy – Mission 2

“If you can’t see the forest through the trees, you gotta chop them motherfuckers down.”
– The Tao of Diddy™

Last week Ms. Busty got the boot leaving Kim, aka Poprah, to gloat and scream another day. Ok, I’m sure Boris won’t win the show. Why? Because he couldn’t tell that Laverne was a transsexual. LOSER. Then again, my gaydar failed because I didn’t know Rob was gay before he said so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that © Seinfeld.

Of course, you can’t have a reality elimination show without some military/boot camp element. Before they even get started doing ANYTHING, Kim starts coughing all crazy. She claimed to be having allergies. Then she said something about asthmatic reaction to high pollen. Ok. Could be the case. Not a big loss anyway, the team decided, because she can’t run that well and is known to break down any teamwork whatsoever.

Trash TV – YES!

I was in trash TV heaven last night. Thank you VH1 and your “celebreality” nonsense. Thank you very much.

9pm: I Want to Work for Diddy – I was anticipating this tomfoolery

for weeks because it’s mainly Diddy’s antics in front of the camera that brings me back to shows like Making the Band. Make no mistake Danity Kane, Da Band and Day 26, the show is about Sean Combs. ALL about Sean Combs. (Aside: hmm, I just noticed they all start with “D”. Hey DIDDY, is this some weird subliminal way to keep your name in our heads?).

Anyway, the premise of the show is that 13 hopefuls will compete for a coveted position as Diddy’s personal assistant. They’ll endure crazy challenges to see if they can meet the demanding mogul’s expectations. The show did not disappoint. Not much Diddy, but enough crazy “characters” to tide me over until he starts making more frequent appearances. As Diddy’s former manager Phil Robinson said, the hopefuls have a long way to go before meeting Diddy, let alone working for him.