Tag Archives: women

You ain’t gotta put a ring on it, but…

I thought of this when I saw a Tweet from Skinny Black Girl posing the question, “Do grown folks really need to “go together?” is it just me or are options still open until you’re engaged???”

Even before the ring, I know she wasn't cosigning no extra-Beyonce activities!

One of the lies women AND men tell ourselves is that we have no claim on the person we’re spending time with because there’s no ring on anyone’s finger (peace Bey). I mean, essentially that is true. If you are not promised/betrothed/engaged/sold (jk) to someone, well then what can you say? They’re still single, at least that’s how Uncle Sam sees it. No one wants to come off as the clingy one. The person who is trying to make more out of the relationship than the other. Know why? Well if you are the clingy one, you can end up pushing him/her away or making them feel claustrophobic. Plus when you let him/her know that you feel some type of way about exclusivity, you’ve basically laid down your cards and shown your hand. Power has likely shifted at that point and you open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. Vulnerability is difficult for the majority of us. So we just minimize it all. “If you really want to see other people, I mean, that’s cool. Not like we’re married or anything.” Yeah, okay.

You’re straight up lying to yourself. Of course it’s different when things between the two of you are young, fresh and new (Hi Phonte!). That’s another story. But when things have been going on for a while and you’re spending time and energy, you are most assuredly entitled to feel like exclusivity is warranted. At the very least, you have to admit to yourself and him/her that you would feel some kind of way about them seeing other people. I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s nothing to you if your boo of like two years just up and decides to start dating someone while seeing you. Yall aren’t married. Not even engaged. So you don’t have any call to say whether they should be seeing other people? GTFOOH!

You’re really just doing a disservice to yourself in the end. So in answer to SBG’s inquiry, yes… grown ups still need to “go together” (although I wouldn’t call it that). You ain’t gotta put a ring on it but at some point, there are expectations and both parties need to be held accountable.

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Filed under relationships, Routine Ramblings

Lowered expectations/just grow up/catching up with old friends

I’m wondering if some of us are looking for something in relationships that is just plain unrealistic and which does not exist? Maybe we need to get real and lower the bar a little. But how do you do that without feeling like you’re settling?

I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend tonight. My girl called me up and we talked for over 3 hours. We’ve known each other since 6th grade, but we became friends in 7th grade after she got into some fight with another chick who was beefing with me. She’s been married for about three years now. As we were catching up, the conversation got around to who I was seeing and all that. I said no one and we started talking about dating since my last relationship (which was nearly two years ago). All of that led to a discussion about what’s more important and what to look for in a partner.

I was telling my girl about a couple of really good guys that I know. These guys are what you would call the practical choice. They’re smart, independent, doing well in their respective careers, family-oriented, funny, sweet, and most importantly, they deal with my crazy ass. On paper, they stack up pretty well and if you were hiring for a husband, well you’d definitely invite them in for a second and third interview. Still, there is something holding me back from seriously trying to build anything with them. There’s a piece missing. I always say it’s a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess I mean there’s no spark. Isn’t there supposed to be a spark?

By that I mean isn’t there supposed to be some kind of passion there? I was having a similar talk with another close girl friend who was telling me about a guy she knows who just gets under her skin every time. He’s totally in her system. The problem is, he really ain’t shit. That’s when I realized that that is the way it always seems to go. I can definitely identify. I’ve met men who, just the thought of them, could get me excited, make me smile and make me think back to… well, shared moments. Usually, it’s the guys who really get you going (usually for some reason you can’t even explain) are the ones who lack all of those other practical qualities one would want in a partner. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to combine those men together? Can’t you have a man with all of those practical, stable, desirable qualities who you also can’t stop thinking about for a single day? A man that gets under your skin? A man that makes you feel silly and giddy and girly? Continue reading

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Filed under My Life, relationships, Routine Ramblings

BHurt On: Hip Hop. Manhood. Anti-Sexism.

Y’all know Byron Hurt? I’m late on homeboy, but he’s a filmmaker and an anti-sexist activist speaking out on gender violence prevention and helping to examine our ideas surrounding manhood – particularly Black manhood.

If you read my blog regularly, you probably know that I have an interest in this type of stuff (gender roles, gender violence, yadda yadda). Peep these clips from Hurt’s documentaries. The first one is pretty straight forward, an intro to Beyond Beats and Rhymes. The second is interesting because it “contrast[s] styles of manhood exhibited by Barack Obama and Rapper/Mogul Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent.”

I don’t really know how I feel about 50 being used as an example of how Black manhood is commonly viewed. I mean, I can see it, but it’s hard since a lot of my friends generally take 50 for a joke. However, I’m sure a lot of people out there do see him as the kind of guy who would run up in your crib and steal all your credit cards. *shrug*

Click for more info on Byron Hurt

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Filed under Pay Attention!

Dirty Dancing

I’d like to introduce to you The Official Twerkteam if you haven’t already made their acquaintance. See for yourself, NSFW. In advance, I’m all kinds of sorry to even be posting it, but you won’t know what I’m talking about unless you’ve seen it. I feel like I’m contributing to the madness a lil bit, but hell, they already got over 18,000 subscribers and 770,000 channel views. This one was a random choice from their 29 vids: nsfw vid and more ranting after the jump

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Filed under I'm Judging You (reviews & criticism), Now I'm pissed, Um, ew, What kind of fuckery?

Michelle isn’t losing anything

Reposting from Michelle Obama Watch where Gina points out Michelle Obama’s somewhat different, not lesser, role as First Lady.

We have another in a growing list of laments that somehow the fact that Michelle Obama will not be working for someone else and will be free to fill her time with the activities of her choosing is somehow a great tragedy and a setback for women. This time its Rebecca Traister in The National Post in an article called “Not Such a Long Way Baby

Americans may be ready for a black president, but not, apparently, for a career-minded First Lady averse to the traditional domesticity of her role…In all the worrying about how Sasha and Malia will adjust to having their lives turned upside down, in all the fretting about how Barack Obama will move his Chicagostyle shop to Washington, why is there so little curiosity about how Michelle will adjust to the loss of her own private, very successful, very high-profile and very independent identity? How will Michelle Obama feel as she becomes what she has long resisted — an extension of her husband? The National Post

Can somebody show me a survey of Americans to support this statement about Americans rejecting the idea of “career-minded” women? Didn’t Lynne Chaney keep her job for the past four years and write a couple of books as well? Weren’t there concerns during the campaign about the role Todd Palin played in Alaska government?

Now during the campaign, I was annoyed with the “Michelle Obama Needs a Makeover” meme that the New York Times pushed tirelessly. I didn’t see anything wrong with her that needed to be made over. All of that “First Mom” business got started to combat the “She’s too STRONG” meme. I reject them both. I reject the notion that MOMs are somehow weak and powerless. HA! You haven’t met my Mama.

Second, I reject the notion that accomplished women are inherently “STRONG” ( good or bad). I know plenty of accomplished, “driven” people who are miserable and crazy. I think both sides of this Mom vs Career argumant are equally annoying because they assume that each is mutually exclusive and one is inferior to the other. It assumes that Michelle’s brain will suddenly stop functioning and she will place all of her talents in a box and hide them away for four or eight years. Continue reading

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Filed under Good Reads, Swiped

Women be shoppin’!

At least that’s what Milton Bradley and other game manufacturers must think. I was in Toys R Us earlier this week looking around. Brought back a lot of memories going down the aisles and looking at all the new toys they have. I had to go by the board games and check out the wares. This is what I found…

They will sell our girls the same old regular shit with a coat of pink paint and make money hand over fist! Worst part about it, if I was a pre-teen, I’d be DYING for that pink Ouija Board! SMH @ gender roles/stereotypes.

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Filed under I'm Judging You (reviews & criticism), Routine Ramblings, What kind of fuckery?

Mittelschmerz

A bit of TMI here:

What’s mittelschmerz? It’s German for “middle pain”. It’s also the pain some women (nearly 20%) feel in their abdomen’s when they’re ovulating, that’s releasing an egg from one of their ovaries. I wanted to post about it, because some people don’t believe me when I say I’m ovulating. I totally know when I’m ovulating because I can feel it. Ouchies. It hurts. Ovulation pain can range from a mild twinge to severe discomfort and usually lasts from minutes to hours. In some cases, a small amount of vaginal bleeding or discharge may occur. Some women also experience nausea during painful ovulation, especially if the pain is severe. Thank goodness I’m not THAT bad. I’d be pissed to high hell if I bled or vomited every time I ovulated!

According to Wikipedia:

Mittelschmerz is believed to have a variety of causes:

* Follicular swelling: The swelling of follicles in the ovaries prior to ovulation. While only one or two eggs mature to the point of being released, a number of follicles grow during the follicular phase of the menstrual cycle (non-dominant follicles atrophy prior to ovulation). Because follicles develop on both sides, this theory explains mittelschmerz that occurs simultaneously on both sides of the abdomen.

* Ovarian wall rupture: The ovaries have no openings; at ovulation the egg breaks through the ovary’s wall. This may make ovulation itself painful for some women.

* Fallopian tube contraction: After ovulation, the fallopian tubes contract (similar to peristalsis of the esophagus), which may cause pain in some women.

* Smooth muscle cell contraction: At ovulation, this pain may be related to smooth muscle cell contraction in the ovary as well as in its ligaments. These contractions occur in response to an increased level of prostaglandin F2-alpha, itself mediated by the surge of leutinizing hormone (LH).

* Irritation: At the time of ovulation, blood or other fluid is released from the ruptured egg follicle. This fluid may cause irritation of the abdominal lining.

Whatever the cause, this shit is not cute. Standing up hurts. Not debilitating pain, but enough to make me pause and say “ho, sit down.” So yeah, maybe the baby shower I went to today got my hormones going and caused my ovarian wall to rupture. Je ne sais pas.

I like the word “mittelschmerz” tho. It sounds like something you should say when giving a toast!

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Filed under Health & Wellness, Routine Ramblings

I guess I’ve made this DV Monday

(see other posts here & here) which is not totally out of left field because a) I have an interest in the subject. b) October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. c) In light of current events affecting Jennifer Hudson’s family, it’s apropos.

You could probably file this entry under “duh,” but although it is seemingly obvious that certain bruises and cuts might be more visible on white/light skin as opposed to black/dark skin, this “discovery” could be important to how investigations are conducted. I’m just going to link this article and let it speak for itself.

Rape injuries harder to spot in dark-skinned women

Sexual-assault injuries may be tougher to detect in darker-skinned women — potentially putting them at a disadvantage in both the health and legal systems, according to researchers.

In a study of women who voluntarily underwent forensic exams after consensual sex, the researchers found that white women were significantly more likely than black women to have injuries to the external genitalia detected.There were no such differences, however, when it came to more internal injuries. Continue reading

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Filed under Health & Wellness, Swiped

Quick note on Joe Biden & VAWA

Like the majority of Americans (and world citizens) I had never heard of Sarah Palin until she was announced as John McCain’s running mate. Never. When Barack Obama announced Joe Biden as his choice for VP, I wasn’t scratching my head thinking, “WHO?” I had heard of Joe Biden. A lot.

In my last full time job before law school, I worked at a domestic violence organization. There, I heard Senator Biden’s name many times in association with legislation and activism against domestic violence. People in my agency would talk about Biden like he was the greatest man ever. Whatever his faults, Biden was known to pay more than lip service when it came to violence against women. I had heard of Joe Biden again as I worked on a research paper for a class in law school. I wrote about the Violence Against Women Act and immigrant battered women. I got an A, by the way.

Peep this video from the Obama campaign highlighting Biden’s contribution to VAWA.

I think the young woman’s story in the video is particularly powerful because it shows how a woman can go for help, after being repeatedly terrorized, and still not be safe. No matter how many times I say it, people always think it’s so easy for a woman to just leave. Maybe coming from a victim/survivor’s mouth, it’ll sound a little different.

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Filed under Pay Attention!, relationships

Be Bold: Women of Color Against Violence

On Thursday, October 30th, join survivors, allies, activists, organizers, bloggers, artists, sisters and friends in speaking out against violence against women of color.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Violence against women of color is a huge problem the world over. Here in the U.S., a newly released study reinforces what many of us already know, Black women in America are victims of crime at rates higher than our counterparts of other races. The Violence Policy Center’s report“When Men Murder Women: An Analysis of 2006 Homicide Data,”stated

The study stated there were 1,818 race-identified females murdered by males. And while white women accounted for the largest total of those killed–1,208–African American women were killed at a rate nearly three times higher.

Of those homicides where a murder weapon could be identified, 305 of the victims were fatally shot and most during the course of an argument. (Source Chicago Defender)

Women of color are hit harder by violence often because they already deal with issues that normally make it difficult to exorcise one’s self from a dangerous situation (i.e. economics, housing, family structure, education, and unemployment). Continue reading

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